(no subject)
I will have weekly meetings with an EWU counselor starting on Monday. It should be good. I started thinking about killing myself again last night...I mentally wrote a suicide note. It scares the shit out of me to think/feel like this. I need to get better. I have to. I can't live like this. If they want me to try pills then I will. All I know for sure is that if I don't get better I will kill myself. I don't mean today or tomorrow, I'll give it months, a year, whatever. But I cannot live like this forever. I cannot be apathetic. I'm not an apathetic person. I'm a fiery, passionate, empathetic person. I don't even care about politics lately. That should say something about my state of mind. I hate myself more each day for feeling like this. It feels like it's closing in. Feels like the periphery of my life is getting darker, as artsy angsty as that sounds. I fucking hate that emo has ridiculed and marginalized depression. I feel stupid being unhappy, I don't want to talk about it for fear of people thinking I'm an attention-seeking whiny loser. =/
My infection is clearing up fairly well. I still hurt, but not as much. The pain med thing they gave me makes me fuzzy, even though it's not really supposed to. It's annoying. The nurse asked the usual list of "Have you experienced any of these" and I said yes to depression (this was on Friday). She talked about it for a minute then moved on. I had to go back in on Monday and she pulled me back into the exam room before I left to ask how I was and to make me promise to not hurt myself. It was sweet, especially after the way the doctor dealt with my exam. She was a bitch because she overheard Dallin and me complaining that we'd been sitting there for over an hour without seeing anyone. She was unnecessarily rough with my exam and it hurt. I'll be sure to get my normal doctor from now on, not her.
I guess it's bedtime. I have a midterm tomorrow that I haven't studied for.
My infection is clearing up fairly well. I still hurt, but not as much. The pain med thing they gave me makes me fuzzy, even though it's not really supposed to. It's annoying. The nurse asked the usual list of "Have you experienced any of these" and I said yes to depression (this was on Friday). She talked about it for a minute then moved on. I had to go back in on Monday and she pulled me back into the exam room before I left to ask how I was and to make me promise to not hurt myself. It was sweet, especially after the way the doctor dealt with my exam. She was a bitch because she overheard Dallin and me complaining that we'd been sitting there for over an hour without seeing anyone. She was unnecessarily rough with my exam and it hurt. I'll be sure to get my normal doctor from now on, not her.
I guess it's bedtime. I have a midterm tomorrow that I haven't studied for.