back at the carnival
my meds have been decreased.
this is cause for joy for a number of reasons: 1)the cost of meds is thru the fuckin roof and i don't yet have insurance 2)meds make me fat 3)its a sign i could possibly be a little more stable than i was 4)i can feel life a little bit more - be less anestesized (sp).
however......
what allows me to feel more of my ups, also allows me to feel more of my downs AND allows for more flucuations in the cycle.
though just a few mg away on 2 of the meds and one less med than before, i can feel slightly more umpf in the cycles.... i go a little higher and get a litter clearer as well as fall a little lower and slightly harder. once my doc and i are able to determine whats real for me vs whats part of withdrawal and adjustment, i will know if i need to go back up a smidge or if i can stay here in more alert land.
so perhaps now i will have more energy to work out and diet right and clean my place and run errands BUT ALSO will possibly have more anger when i fail or get overwhelemed with the work that needs to be done.
there is comfort in hiding behind the fog of drugs - street or pharmacy kind.
but there is also a pathetic syntheticness that itches and burns much more than the stings of real life. only in a few areas though, but just the same, it hurts.
now i have the desire to try to live my life my way but also i now run the risk of falling down very hard on my face.
which is the real me, i wonder?
the me that gets to live BECAUSE of the meds or the me that comes out when the meds go away?
people say things like that - that its not them, its the disease....
so does that mean i am more me when i feel less like a ME and more like an IT?
is that my goal in life? to be robot-functioning rather than firework-living?
either way, i guess we shall see what rides takes us where
at the carnival.
this is cause for joy for a number of reasons: 1)the cost of meds is thru the fuckin roof and i don't yet have insurance 2)meds make me fat 3)its a sign i could possibly be a little more stable than i was 4)i can feel life a little bit more - be less anestesized (sp).
however......
what allows me to feel more of my ups, also allows me to feel more of my downs AND allows for more flucuations in the cycle.
though just a few mg away on 2 of the meds and one less med than before, i can feel slightly more umpf in the cycles.... i go a little higher and get a litter clearer as well as fall a little lower and slightly harder. once my doc and i are able to determine whats real for me vs whats part of withdrawal and adjustment, i will know if i need to go back up a smidge or if i can stay here in more alert land.
so perhaps now i will have more energy to work out and diet right and clean my place and run errands BUT ALSO will possibly have more anger when i fail or get overwhelemed with the work that needs to be done.
there is comfort in hiding behind the fog of drugs - street or pharmacy kind.
but there is also a pathetic syntheticness that itches and burns much more than the stings of real life. only in a few areas though, but just the same, it hurts.
now i have the desire to try to live my life my way but also i now run the risk of falling down very hard on my face.
which is the real me, i wonder?
the me that gets to live BECAUSE of the meds or the me that comes out when the meds go away?
people say things like that - that its not them, its the disease....
so does that mean i am more me when i feel less like a ME and more like an IT?
is that my goal in life? to be robot-functioning rather than firework-living?
either way, i guess we shall see what rides takes us where
at the carnival.