Still nothing good...
I have just had a major strip torn off of me by saura_ for not posting at all and apparently worrying everyone about where I've gone. During our talk together at Ring*Con I mentioned to her that I felt no one would be really keen on hearing me bitch and moan about my life when things aren't going well, but she insisted that they do want to know. So, here goes, and feel free to skip if it turns out I was right.
I have recently been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) which is a psychological disorder that I've had my whole life. What it basically means, in my case, is that I have an unreasonable fear of being judged and/or criticised by other people. This makes me want to avoid contact with people unless I feel absolutely certain they approve of me, and avoid doing anything unless I feel absolutely certain that I'll do it perfectly.
It looks quite silly when I see it written down like that, but it's actually quite upsetting to live with. I am really afraid to go outside unless I feel certain about myself, which is almost never. I avoid social gatherings and don't go anywhere I know will have a large number of people present, because I am afraid that there is bound to be someone who sees me and won't approve of me. Learning anything new is a horrible process for me, because as soon as I do anything wrong and someone points this out to me, my self-confidence will shatter and I will feel terrible about it for the rest of the day, if not longer.
I have had my condition under control for a long time, by doing a job that I knew I was good at. Actually, I am quite certain I was perfect at it. It isn't a difficult job at all, and below my capacities, but it made me feel secure, because I knew absolutely that I was good at it, and that I made no mistakes whatsoever.
Then I decided it was time for a career move, get something better, and I made the mistake of taking on a job in a field I had no experience in whatsoever, which meant I had to learn a lot, and I got a boss who had no scruples whatsoever telling me if I made a stupid mistake. This shattered my confidence so spectacularly that after a few months on that job, I woke up terrified each day, couldn't eat anything for breakfast because it was bound to come out again, and I didn't go outside at all because I felt sure everyone would see what a loser I was.
Then when I finally realised I was destroying myself and I decided to quit, my boss decided to do me one better and throw me out before time, and by so doing shattered the last of my self-esteem, because if she wanted me out so badly that she couldn't even wait until the end of month when I would leave by myself, I must really be a major fuckup for her to want to be shot of me asap.
This is what plunged me into a major depression for the last few months, and the worst part is that I couldn't even use my time to apply for another job, because I only saw in my head the potential disasters a new job could bring. With the result that I am now back at my job before last, because that, at least, I know I can do. And yes, the pay sucks and the work's boring as dirt, but at least I don't make any more mistakes.
I am still far from happy at the moment, plus now also extremely low on funds because of the unemployment bout, but I'm struggling back up and am even considering going to see a psychologist to see if I can get my shit under control again.
Oh, and if anyone still remembers Enchantment at all, I am working on it now. I have decided to finish it before continuing to post, though, so you won't have to wait ages and ages for the next chapter to come up while your humble author sits at home feeling sorry for herself.
I have recently been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) which is a psychological disorder that I've had my whole life. What it basically means, in my case, is that I have an unreasonable fear of being judged and/or criticised by other people. This makes me want to avoid contact with people unless I feel absolutely certain they approve of me, and avoid doing anything unless I feel absolutely certain that I'll do it perfectly.
It looks quite silly when I see it written down like that, but it's actually quite upsetting to live with. I am really afraid to go outside unless I feel certain about myself, which is almost never. I avoid social gatherings and don't go anywhere I know will have a large number of people present, because I am afraid that there is bound to be someone who sees me and won't approve of me. Learning anything new is a horrible process for me, because as soon as I do anything wrong and someone points this out to me, my self-confidence will shatter and I will feel terrible about it for the rest of the day, if not longer.
I have had my condition under control for a long time, by doing a job that I knew I was good at. Actually, I am quite certain I was perfect at it. It isn't a difficult job at all, and below my capacities, but it made me feel secure, because I knew absolutely that I was good at it, and that I made no mistakes whatsoever.
Then I decided it was time for a career move, get something better, and I made the mistake of taking on a job in a field I had no experience in whatsoever, which meant I had to learn a lot, and I got a boss who had no scruples whatsoever telling me if I made a stupid mistake. This shattered my confidence so spectacularly that after a few months on that job, I woke up terrified each day, couldn't eat anything for breakfast because it was bound to come out again, and I didn't go outside at all because I felt sure everyone would see what a loser I was.
Then when I finally realised I was destroying myself and I decided to quit, my boss decided to do me one better and throw me out before time, and by so doing shattered the last of my self-esteem, because if she wanted me out so badly that she couldn't even wait until the end of month when I would leave by myself, I must really be a major fuckup for her to want to be shot of me asap.
This is what plunged me into a major depression for the last few months, and the worst part is that I couldn't even use my time to apply for another job, because I only saw in my head the potential disasters a new job could bring. With the result that I am now back at my job before last, because that, at least, I know I can do. And yes, the pay sucks and the work's boring as dirt, but at least I don't make any more mistakes.
I am still far from happy at the moment, plus now also extremely low on funds because of the unemployment bout, but I'm struggling back up and am even considering going to see a psychologist to see if I can get my shit under control again.
Oh, and if anyone still remembers Enchantment at all, I am working on it now. I have decided to finish it before continuing to post, though, so you won't have to wait ages and ages for the next chapter to come up while your humble author sits at home feeling sorry for herself.