595660 internet diary entry for andy and whoever likes reading whatever this is
my company's Board Chairman Mr Odobenidae challenged me to spazz on a keyboard and throw up whatever comes up, and ah forget if he said I could not use th backspace key; but ah'll strategically avoid th backspace key except for correcting typos, although wouldn't that be fun.
Mr Odobenidae says something along th order of, "Please keep typing until your hands fall off, and whatever you do, DO NOT EDIT." Do not read what has gone before. Keep typing until yr bedroom's lamp's bulb must be replaced. What comes to mind in that moment you are sitting there MUST be typed. Wear a hat and goggles. More and more rules keep coming up. If a beautiful actor from a Hollywood movie walks in th room while you are typing you must NOT pause to ask for an autograph. No matter if it is Th Cruise, giving you a thumbs-up and smiling wickedly, saying he believes you. He believes IN you. No matter if it is Monica Vitti circa 1966, wearing a catsuit. GET those FINGERS moving. In response to those who have accused me of propagating or sustaining or strengthening an unapologetic and sophisticated strain of what Laura Mulvey first termed Th Male Gaze, I have this but not only this to say: what other sort of gaze am ah meant to have??
Must I attempt to gaze as a pre-sexual child gazes? This is a real (not a rhetorical) question, as ah appear 2B eternally in love w/ th direct interface between 1979 (age 6) and 2009 (age 36). There goes a bell telling me my fried chicken might be ready. BRB. Well, that chicken was delicious. Dear diary, you didn't miss me while I was gone. To you, all of time is a unity. Yr Page 2 and yr Page 87 are one flip away, and when I put you down to eat th chicken, time stops. Predictably, people who love women's basketball and are concerned for its future cannot stop talking about Candace Nicole Parker's looks. It is a shame that one of th world's most gifted athletes must be so closely scrutinized on a non-athletic level. Is she hot? Or not? It is a shame that th Internet gives every knuckle-dragging fool unlimited venue to weigh in on this important question.
It is a shame that Sparky Schulz is dead and Audrey Hepburn is dead and Emir Kusturica is dead and people on Myspace are alive. Justice is still dead. Emma Goldman is dead; I have no idea whether she was hot or not, thank God. Fred Rogers is dead, which reminds me that I must away to my neighbourhood and my dogwalking any minute now (12:11) and den
return to my laptop anew. BRB. Did you miss me THIS time?
"Yes, I missssed you," said Kevin Shields. "PSYCH"
My train of thought on th male gaze continued when a girl wearing short shorts w/ th letters U-V-A across th back of them passed by. Oh, do you not want me to read that? It's too late, I read it! I read it two times! U-V-A, look @ how th U and A go up-down-up-down as th V's point points to a mysterious below. Disgusting. Lady, you could cure illiteracy just by walking, one word @ a time--
CALL
ME
ISHMAEL
Let's check Th Dark Knight box office news hmm hmm hmm hmm 158.3M domestic take for th week-end hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm that is approximately 158.3M more than I made this week-end, give or take 80 bucks, 10 of which went to watching DK (matinee tick!) ...! Mr Odobe thought it was fan-tas-tick, Ms Pipes thought it was fan-tas-tique, Mr Cosell never gave his explicit verdict but his face/body language appeared to read: 7 stars. I now give it:
6.5 stars out of a possible 10!!!!
--6.5 being what I habitually think of as
Wes Anderson's Default Score
a.k.a.
"I liked it, but ..."
I liked it--
--but I missed th in-you-face, up-you-bum homosexual overtones of, say, a Spider-Man 3 (6.5) or a Butch Cassidy & th Sundance Kid (10.0)
--but Christian Bale is no Stephen Chow
--but TOO MUCH SPEECHIFYING
--but "This popcorn's a bit on th salty side"; we barely made it through a quarter of a bag
--AND ah LOVED Batman's voice; we couldn't stop laughing
--but I can lick my lips between sentences, too; thet don't make me Best Actor
--AND what a lovely heist sequence @ th beginning !!!!
Ahh, summer! Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week! Life! Ah'll try to type for another hour or so (3:02) and den call it a diary entry. Mr Odobe says he would be interested to read what bursts out my QWERTY keyboard when typing is furious and thinking is miniature. Minimal, rather. My birth name is M____ Z______ A_____ and ah always been squeamish about typing it out loud where Future Employers--
hhaha "Future Employers"--who will hire me now? I am good @ being "poor". And skipping meals. This type of confessioning is dangerous. Ah been practicing leaving my cell phone @ home on accident. And not wearing my seatbelt. And driving around w/ no licence. These things take practice. And smoking half a pack a day but never buying th same brand. You know what I want? I want ALL th brands to kill me all @ once. Den no one thing can be blamed. Marlboro Mediums, you killed me. Marlboro Virginia Blends, you killed me. American Spirits, you killed me. Parliament Spiders, you killed me. Camel Number Nines, you killed me. Camel Number Nine Menthols, you killed me. Newports, you killed me, too. Winstons, you killed me. It sounds like I'm @ mass. Kool, you killed me.
I love th way Candace Parker sweats. You have to join my community about comix (halohalomofoko), Candace Parker. Or my other community about comix
(komix_klatch),
Candace Parker. I cannot type faster, Candace Parker, my hands disallow it. BUT mostly, my ego disallows it. My friends are reading this, Candace Parker, we mustn't allow them to see us w/o makeup. How do you do it? All eyes are on you because you are good-looking, according to some. You are good-looking for a basketball player, according to some others. You are good-looking for a black and I am good-looking for a black, according to
some ladies who all look same. How do you do it? All eyes on you and you don't look nervous. I'm only amongst friends and I get gunshy. Cannot complain. Cannot freestyle. Can be gay, but cannot be str8. It's like summer of 1982 (or whenever that was) all over again, and I'm afraid to show that my best friend's a girl. Except now having a girl BFF is cool, so what? What's scary now? Only things that are scary are worth writing about. Mebbe thet's why Hannah loves horror movies and Jinx Malone loves horror movies and Mike Murder Mystery loves Weird European Sex and Basil loves ... what does Basil love? Horror movies!! Because everything else is avoiding th subject. Why does Mark Leidner write poems that sound gay? And den why does he make them funny? I like only funny movies because I have psychological nightmares that would fit perfect in a horror movie, but that would be a cliché, and clichés are bad, clichés are bad and easy, and it's much more challenging to try to fit a psychological nightmare inside a joke. OR this, all of this is camouflage for being afraid of th dark.
"Th dark? You got t'be kidding me."
"No, Kevin, not that dark. We always live in a basement. That dark is no problem."
"What dark, den."
"Th bigger dark."
LIKE there's something. Just beyond th border of th STORY we keep retelling ourselves. BORN of th Virgin Mary and all that
DIED and WAS BURIED
"Are you talking about th rising from th dead part. Is that what scares you."
"No, no, because that's part of th story, too. That's normal."
THIRD DAY ... ROSE AGAIN ... FORGIVENESS OF SINS
"It's that big chunk in th middle, between being born superheroically and dying superheroically. They skip over that part in th Apostolic Creed, didja notice that?"
"Meow meow meow motherfucker, so what? Mass is short, life of Christ is long."
LOOK:
1. I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.
2. I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord.
3. He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary.
4. He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried.
5. He descended into hell. On the third day he rose again.
6. He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
7. He will come again to judge the living and the dead.
8. I believe in the Holy Spirit,
9. the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints,
10. the forgiveness of sins,
11. the resurrection of the body,
12. and the life everlasting.
Amen.
"Fuckface! Out of those 12 things, I believe only in Number 10."
"Why?"
"I like to think all th critters ah slaughtered in my lifetime got no hard feelings from being slaughtered."
"Yes. That's great. You're loved by mice and little birds. Listen. Between Number 3 and Number 4: NOTHING. Doesn't that terrify you!!"
"..."
"..."
"But that's when I'm turning water into wine. Getting fat on loaves and fishes. Going out, talking to people. Healing th shit out of sick people. Gaining a following. Walking on th waters, yeeeee haw, taste my wake! Actually, you can have th loaves."
"You don't understand, cat. There are no miracles. None of us can ... do ... that. And there is no Jesus. Jesus is just there to be born and die. And welcome us into heaven, how convenient."
"Is there ANY end in sight to this handwringing."
Th end is in sight. Th scariest thing is: NO MIRACLES. Th most frightening thing is: a 12-Step Program whose point is: NOTHING. What I did this summer was: not turn anything into anything else. And what we need is: a model for living who is not Jesus, but who is not any of these other losers, either. Fuck them all. Bill Gates, fuck you. Google and Batman: fuck you, too. O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin el jay: fuck you, too. You can have my Internet diary, O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin hackers. You can have it all. HA HA ah already backed up th whole thing using
http://www.ljbook.com/ljbook.html
Did you know it even saves kommentude?? It's a MIRACLE. Don't give up, there are miracles. Candace Parker is getting married to
I still laugh @ yr jokes. Virginia's sky is sometimes as beautiful as Arizona's sky. And I still don't know what's @ th edge of th story. Wouldn't it be hilarious if it really were Jesus? LIKE out of all th million billion trillion Prince Rilian things it could be, it turns out 2B this rebel Jew in a flowing robe and Tevas. LIKE it's not th subatomic Tachyon travelling continually backward and forward in time; it's not dark matter or whatever a black hole's made of; it's a Jew whose best friend is a girl. Huh wha ?? Emir Kusturica is alive? It's a miracle HURRAH
Mr Odobenidae says something along th order of, "Please keep typing until your hands fall off, and whatever you do, DO NOT EDIT." Do not read what has gone before. Keep typing until yr bedroom's lamp's bulb must be replaced. What comes to mind in that moment you are sitting there MUST be typed. Wear a hat and goggles. More and more rules keep coming up. If a beautiful actor from a Hollywood movie walks in th room while you are typing you must NOT pause to ask for an autograph. No matter if it is Th Cruise, giving you a thumbs-up and smiling wickedly, saying he believes you. He believes IN you. No matter if it is Monica Vitti circa 1966, wearing a catsuit. GET those FINGERS moving. In response to those who have accused me of propagating or sustaining or strengthening an unapologetic and sophisticated strain of what Laura Mulvey first termed Th Male Gaze, I have this but not only this to say: what other sort of gaze am ah meant to have??
Must I attempt to gaze as a pre-sexual child gazes? This is a real (not a rhetorical) question, as ah appear 2B eternally in love w/ th direct interface between 1979 (age 6) and 2009 (age 36). There goes a bell telling me my fried chicken might be ready. BRB. Well, that chicken was delicious. Dear diary, you didn't miss me while I was gone. To you, all of time is a unity. Yr Page 2 and yr Page 87 are one flip away, and when I put you down to eat th chicken, time stops. Predictably, people who love women's basketball and are concerned for its future cannot stop talking about Candace Nicole Parker's looks. It is a shame that one of th world's most gifted athletes must be so closely scrutinized on a non-athletic level. Is she hot? Or not? It is a shame that th Internet gives every knuckle-dragging fool unlimited venue to weigh in on this important question.
It is a shame that Sparky Schulz is dead and Audrey Hepburn is dead and Emir Kusturica is dead and people on Myspace are alive. Justice is still dead. Emma Goldman is dead; I have no idea whether she was hot or not, thank God. Fred Rogers is dead, which reminds me that I must away to my neighbourhood and my dogwalking any minute now (12:11) and den
return to my laptop anew. BRB. Did you miss me THIS time?
"Yes, I missssed you," said Kevin Shields. "PSYCH"
My train of thought on th male gaze continued when a girl wearing short shorts w/ th letters U-V-A across th back of them passed by. Oh, do you not want me to read that? It's too late, I read it! I read it two times! U-V-A, look @ how th U and A go up-down-up-down as th V's point points to a mysterious below. Disgusting. Lady, you could cure illiteracy just by walking, one word @ a time--
CALL
ME
ISHMAEL
Let's check Th Dark Knight box office news hmm hmm hmm hmm 158.3M domestic take for th week-end hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm that is approximately 158.3M more than I made this week-end, give or take 80 bucks, 10 of which went to watching DK (matinee tick!) ...! Mr Odobe thought it was fan-tas-tick, Ms Pipes thought it was fan-tas-tique, Mr Cosell never gave his explicit verdict but his face/body language appeared to read: 7 stars. I now give it:
6.5 stars out of a possible 10!!!!
--6.5 being what I habitually think of as
Wes Anderson's Default Score
a.k.a.
"I liked it, but ..."
I liked it--
--but I missed th in-you-face, up-you-bum homosexual overtones of, say, a Spider-Man 3 (6.5) or a Butch Cassidy & th Sundance Kid (10.0)
--but Christian Bale is no Stephen Chow
--but TOO MUCH SPEECHIFYING
--but "This popcorn's a bit on th salty side"; we barely made it through a quarter of a bag
--AND ah LOVED Batman's voice; we couldn't stop laughing
--but I can lick my lips between sentences, too; thet don't make me Best Actor
--AND what a lovely heist sequence @ th beginning !!!!
Ahh, summer! Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week! Life! Ah'll try to type for another hour or so (3:02) and den call it a diary entry. Mr Odobe says he would be interested to read what bursts out my QWERTY keyboard when typing is furious and thinking is miniature. Minimal, rather. My birth name is M____ Z______ A_____ and ah always been squeamish about typing it out loud where Future Employers--
hhaha "Future Employers"--who will hire me now? I am good @ being "poor". And skipping meals. This type of confessioning is dangerous. Ah been practicing leaving my cell phone @ home on accident. And not wearing my seatbelt. And driving around w/ no licence. These things take practice. And smoking half a pack a day but never buying th same brand. You know what I want? I want ALL th brands to kill me all @ once. Den no one thing can be blamed. Marlboro Mediums, you killed me. Marlboro Virginia Blends, you killed me. American Spirits, you killed me. Parliament Spiders, you killed me. Camel Number Nines, you killed me. Camel Number Nine Menthols, you killed me. Newports, you killed me, too. Winstons, you killed me. It sounds like I'm @ mass. Kool, you killed me.
I love th way Candace Parker sweats. You have to join my community about comix (halohalomofoko), Candace Parker. Or my other community about comix
(komix_klatch),
Candace Parker. I cannot type faster, Candace Parker, my hands disallow it. BUT mostly, my ego disallows it. My friends are reading this, Candace Parker, we mustn't allow them to see us w/o makeup. How do you do it? All eyes are on you because you are good-looking, according to some. You are good-looking for a basketball player, according to some others. You are good-looking for a black and I am good-looking for a black, according to
some ladies who all look same. How do you do it? All eyes on you and you don't look nervous. I'm only amongst friends and I get gunshy. Cannot complain. Cannot freestyle. Can be gay, but cannot be str8. It's like summer of 1982 (or whenever that was) all over again, and I'm afraid to show that my best friend's a girl. Except now having a girl BFF is cool, so what? What's scary now? Only things that are scary are worth writing about. Mebbe thet's why Hannah loves horror movies and Jinx Malone loves horror movies and Mike Murder Mystery loves Weird European Sex and Basil loves ... what does Basil love? Horror movies!! Because everything else is avoiding th subject. Why does Mark Leidner write poems that sound gay? And den why does he make them funny? I like only funny movies because I have psychological nightmares that would fit perfect in a horror movie, but that would be a cliché, and clichés are bad, clichés are bad and easy, and it's much more challenging to try to fit a psychological nightmare inside a joke. OR this, all of this is camouflage for being afraid of th dark.
"Th dark? You got t'be kidding me."
"No, Kevin, not that dark. We always live in a basement. That dark is no problem."
"What dark, den."
"Th bigger dark."
LIKE there's something. Just beyond th border of th STORY we keep retelling ourselves. BORN of th Virgin Mary and all that
DIED and WAS BURIED
"Are you talking about th rising from th dead part. Is that what scares you."
"No, no, because that's part of th story, too. That's normal."
THIRD DAY ... ROSE AGAIN ... FORGIVENESS OF SINS
"It's that big chunk in th middle, between being born superheroically and dying superheroically. They skip over that part in th Apostolic Creed, didja notice that?"
"Meow meow meow motherfucker, so what? Mass is short, life of Christ is long."
LOOK:
1. I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.
2. I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord.
3. He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary.
4. He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried.
5. He descended into hell. On the third day he rose again.
6. He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
7. He will come again to judge the living and the dead.
8. I believe in the Holy Spirit,
9. the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints,
10. the forgiveness of sins,
11. the resurrection of the body,
12. and the life everlasting.
Amen.
"Fuckface! Out of those 12 things, I believe only in Number 10."
"Why?"
"I like to think all th critters ah slaughtered in my lifetime got no hard feelings from being slaughtered."
"Yes. That's great. You're loved by mice and little birds. Listen. Between Number 3 and Number 4: NOTHING. Doesn't that terrify you!!"
"..."
"..."
"But that's when I'm turning water into wine. Getting fat on loaves and fishes. Going out, talking to people. Healing th shit out of sick people. Gaining a following. Walking on th waters, yeeeee haw, taste my wake! Actually, you can have th loaves."
"You don't understand, cat. There are no miracles. None of us can ... do ... that. And there is no Jesus. Jesus is just there to be born and die. And welcome us into heaven, how convenient."
"Is there ANY end in sight to this handwringing."
Th end is in sight. Th scariest thing is: NO MIRACLES. Th most frightening thing is: a 12-Step Program whose point is: NOTHING. What I did this summer was: not turn anything into anything else. And what we need is: a model for living who is not Jesus, but who is not any of these other losers, either. Fuck them all. Bill Gates, fuck you. Google and Batman: fuck you, too. O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin el jay: fuck you, too. You can have my Internet diary, O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin hackers. You can have it all. HA HA ah already backed up th whole thing using
http://www.ljbook.com/ljbook.html
Did you know it even saves kommentude?? It's a MIRACLE. Don't give up, there are miracles. Candace Parker is getting married to
I still laugh @ yr jokes. Virginia's sky is sometimes as beautiful as Arizona's sky. And I still don't know what's @ th edge of th story. Wouldn't it be hilarious if it really were Jesus? LIKE out of all th million billion trillion Prince Rilian things it could be, it turns out 2B this rebel Jew in a flowing robe and Tevas. LIKE it's not th subatomic Tachyon travelling continually backward and forward in time; it's not dark matter or whatever a black hole's made of; it's a Jew whose best friend is a girl. Huh wha ?? Emir Kusturica is alive? It's a miracle HURRAH