Musings and dreams.
Most nights I have pretty vivid dreams. I don’t remember them all like most people. But I do recall a lot of the emotions tied into them.
Last night I had one that still hours later is hanging with me.
All I can recall from it is I was back in NYC and finishing up my internship. I can’t recall if it was that I was there for a second time or if it was like I was back in my original timeline. Either way it was the last day I was there and I had to pack up my things. I almost get the sense it’s like I was doing a second stent there as I felt like I was thinking back to my first time leaving.
I was going through boxes and packing and organizing. Some things I planned to take. Some were just being tossed. And some left for the next crew.
It was such a mix of things. Some were just clothes and I even found clothes I haven’t had in years but wish I still did.
There was pictures and mementos. Some things were owned by others and I was wondering if I should send it to them.
I really feel it was like I was going through old memories and thoughts in my head but it manifested like this in a dream.
I had things in the dream that were grandmas, some were Aric’s, some were old friends like Kimmie or others. It was so strange.
It ended with me finding presents I had for Alex and trying to hide them so he didn’t find them.
I don’t know what any of it means. Probably nothing. But maybe it was my brain trying to reorganize some things as I do all this shadow work. Unmasking my autism has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I’m not even close to done. I don’t know who I am under all these years of masking and trying to be someone I wasn’t.
Who was the real me? Who is the real me?
Maybe I’ll find that one day.
Am I the girl from high school? Or was it my early 20s and my time in FL?
I know without a doubt by the time I got back to TN that I was lost under a storm of masking and didn’t see anything resembling myself until about 8 years ago. I didn’t know yet I was ripping the mask off but that when it started.
I think coming back to this journal is cause it might help me unravel and unwind these restrictions that have pinned me down inside my own soul.
Time will tell!
Last night I had one that still hours later is hanging with me.
All I can recall from it is I was back in NYC and finishing up my internship. I can’t recall if it was that I was there for a second time or if it was like I was back in my original timeline. Either way it was the last day I was there and I had to pack up my things. I almost get the sense it’s like I was doing a second stent there as I felt like I was thinking back to my first time leaving.
I was going through boxes and packing and organizing. Some things I planned to take. Some were just being tossed. And some left for the next crew.
It was such a mix of things. Some were just clothes and I even found clothes I haven’t had in years but wish I still did.
There was pictures and mementos. Some things were owned by others and I was wondering if I should send it to them.
I really feel it was like I was going through old memories and thoughts in my head but it manifested like this in a dream.
I had things in the dream that were grandmas, some were Aric’s, some were old friends like Kimmie or others. It was so strange.
It ended with me finding presents I had for Alex and trying to hide them so he didn’t find them.
I don’t know what any of it means. Probably nothing. But maybe it was my brain trying to reorganize some things as I do all this shadow work. Unmasking my autism has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I’m not even close to done. I don’t know who I am under all these years of masking and trying to be someone I wasn’t.
Who was the real me? Who is the real me?
Maybe I’ll find that one day.
Am I the girl from high school? Or was it my early 20s and my time in FL?
I know without a doubt by the time I got back to TN that I was lost under a storm of masking and didn’t see anything resembling myself until about 8 years ago. I didn’t know yet I was ripping the mask off but that when it started.
I think coming back to this journal is cause it might help me unravel and unwind these restrictions that have pinned me down inside my own soul.
Time will tell!