Six months later
Six months ago, on July 14th, I bundled up what little courage I had and took myself to meet two people from an internet forum. I had, in some fumbling attempt to move forward, suggested that we meet up. I expected absolutely nothing except to be able to say that I'd met and talked with people I didn't know. I didn't even expect that there would be contact after meeting... not did I expect that there would not be. I went and was unattached to the outcome.
Being unattached to the outcome was easy. I was utterly terrified. He had sent me a picture of the two of them. He was so hot my jaw hit the ground and I couldn't breathe right. She was just oozing sexiness. I almost panicked and backed out of meeting them. Meeting new people is anxiety enough. Meeting new people and having them see that I was drooling all over them would have been mortifying!
I went though, and apparently played off the undeniable physical attraction I was feeling towards them, as well as much of the nervousness. I just kept telling myself that this was only happening because I needed to prove that I could go forward alone and make a life for myself. I kept telling myself that as long as I kept breathing and remembered to shut up and let them talk, it'd be alright. I kept telling myself if I got too stressed I could escape and go home.
I had one of the best evenings of my life. I gushed for days to anyone who would listen, about how amazing these two people were, how much I wanted to see us being friends, how incredible I found the conversation and the comfort levels to be. I got the message from them that they had enjoyed the evening as well and I was walking on air. I had not only succeeded, but I had hope of friendship, or at least people I could have conversations with!
That one step taken in courage, that one insistence that I move my life forward from the depression and grief I was caught in, has paid off more than any other single act in my life. Now, he and I are together, and in love. Now, she and I are friends, and growing to be closer and closer friends all the time. Now we talk of plans together that would throw our lives in together for a long-term relationship. Now, I feel as if I've found the family I was looking for.
Rarely in my life have I been so happy. Never have I been so completely content and at ease in a relationship. Often I find myself thinking that if finding the pain I went through at the start of the year, the devastation of losing J and the death of all those dreams, hopes, and all the faith I had in him and our relationship... if going through all that was the price to pay to find Cw and Nw... I will never regret a single tear I shed.
For every tear shed,
I have found a smile.
For every break in the heart,
I have found healing compassion, understanding and love.
For every endless night in pain,
I have found days of delight and nights of bliss.
For every shattered dream,
I have found an open, beautiful, and bountiful path laid before me.
Six months has taken me from a place where I was ready to end life, to a place where I wake up each day excited to see what comes next, and where I lay down each night with a smile at the stunning beauty of where I find myself.
Pray the gods it never ends.
And Cw, when you read this... when I say thank you, without an obvious reason... this is what I'm thanking you for. It still doesn't express just how much you mean to me, or how much you've brought to my life. Thank you, for all of this and so much more.
Being unattached to the outcome was easy. I was utterly terrified. He had sent me a picture of the two of them. He was so hot my jaw hit the ground and I couldn't breathe right. She was just oozing sexiness. I almost panicked and backed out of meeting them. Meeting new people is anxiety enough. Meeting new people and having them see that I was drooling all over them would have been mortifying!
I went though, and apparently played off the undeniable physical attraction I was feeling towards them, as well as much of the nervousness. I just kept telling myself that this was only happening because I needed to prove that I could go forward alone and make a life for myself. I kept telling myself that as long as I kept breathing and remembered to shut up and let them talk, it'd be alright. I kept telling myself if I got too stressed I could escape and go home.
I had one of the best evenings of my life. I gushed for days to anyone who would listen, about how amazing these two people were, how much I wanted to see us being friends, how incredible I found the conversation and the comfort levels to be. I got the message from them that they had enjoyed the evening as well and I was walking on air. I had not only succeeded, but I had hope of friendship, or at least people I could have conversations with!
That one step taken in courage, that one insistence that I move my life forward from the depression and grief I was caught in, has paid off more than any other single act in my life. Now, he and I are together, and in love. Now, she and I are friends, and growing to be closer and closer friends all the time. Now we talk of plans together that would throw our lives in together for a long-term relationship. Now, I feel as if I've found the family I was looking for.
Rarely in my life have I been so happy. Never have I been so completely content and at ease in a relationship. Often I find myself thinking that if finding the pain I went through at the start of the year, the devastation of losing J and the death of all those dreams, hopes, and all the faith I had in him and our relationship... if going through all that was the price to pay to find Cw and Nw... I will never regret a single tear I shed.
For every tear shed,
I have found a smile.
For every break in the heart,
I have found healing compassion, understanding and love.
For every endless night in pain,
I have found days of delight and nights of bliss.
For every shattered dream,
I have found an open, beautiful, and bountiful path laid before me.
Six months has taken me from a place where I was ready to end life, to a place where I wake up each day excited to see what comes next, and where I lay down each night with a smile at the stunning beauty of where I find myself.
Pray the gods it never ends.
And Cw, when you read this... when I say thank you, without an obvious reason... this is what I'm thanking you for. It still doesn't express just how much you mean to me, or how much you've brought to my life. Thank you, for all of this and so much more.