One for the record books!
Somebody pour me a drink or ten. This has been a LONG week! WOW!
But, I made it! I'm alive, and I didn't melt into the puddle I thought I was going to, and I went to counseling and I have plans for the weekend!
So, Sunday, I did the laundry. Go me. Over the course of Saturday and Sunday I had a CLEAN ALL THE THINGS! rampage. When the air conditioning went out Sunday afternoon, it killed the rampage and left me fighting off heat exhaustion every night. Thank the gods who inspired the creation of Gatorade. Gatorade and freezers, so I had ice in the house!
The air came back on yesterday evening and thanks to a surprise thunderstorm in the area, the house cooled off before bedtime. I don't think I had anything close to consciousness until this morning. I'm spoiled, I admit it, but I just can't survive well in 90-some degree heat anymore.
I made it out to the counseling appointment on Wednesday. The counselor says I'm making progress. Apparently the melt down on Saturday morning was needed. I've felt better since. Still sad, still unhappy with things as they are, still heartbroken, but I'm starting to consider "the future."
I used to have a life. When my ex-husband and I split up, I had the kids with me most of the time. Every other weekend though, the kids were gone. On those weekends, I learned to get out and live! I went hiking and had picnics with my friends. One of my friends and I often went roller blading. I took long bike rides and walks, just because I could. When I didn't have someone to go with me when I wanted to do something, I went by myself. I went to midnight movie showings. I took walks through a nearby park at all hours of the night. I sketched. I wrote. I did poetry readings and had some of my work published.
So, I started looking at these things I used to do and thought about what I might like to do now. I mean, as nice as it sounds to an introvert like me, staying in my apartment the rest of my life just isn't what I want to do. Yes, going to a church or some sort of community thing is a good idea, but the things I remember most were the poetry readings I did.
I got online and looked up open mic poetry readings in the area. I found quite a few that just happened, dang it. None of the groups seemed to have anything scheduled in the future though. (Or if they did, they really need someone to redo their websites. Those sites were horrible to navigate!) I found out that a place I know of downtown hosts readings though, so I decided to check out their site. The link to their site took me to a surprise. I can rent out a studio for an art show for all of $200!
I started thinking back in January about doing an art show. I need a LOT more work done. My plan for the year has been derailed thus far. I was going to complete one work per month. I can do that easily if I put my mind to it. I've completed one and started laying out the second. Oh well, so much for that goal? Anyway, I have to have 10 pieces to send digital images of to the gallery, along with an application. Then I wait until they have a space for me and it's all set. So, while I'm not ready now, I know where to go when I AM ready! The piece I'm laying out will be for sale. I realized after the last piece was completed, I can't keep all my artwork. My walls are already getting full! It is kinda cool though, to have all original artworks on my walls. Not all by me, but still. It's neat. I like.
I wish I could say I feel truly excited about looking at the future. I don't really. It's still very hard to do. Yet, despite that, I am doing it. Cautiously, almost shyly peeking ahead again, but I'm doing it. The counselor says that these are wonderful signs. He says this is the beginning of the stage of new beginnings, and the fact that I recognize them as necessary is almost more promising than if I were just charging headfirst into them as that might mean I was frantically trying to find something to do to drown the pain.
No, activities are not what I'm thinking of doing to drown the pain. I don't have the cajones to do what I'd like to do to drown the pain. I'd like to go find myself a series of one night stands.
I won't. It's just completely counter to who I am to do that. Even if I were to try to do that, I wouldn't succeed. I'd get just so far and bail. I've tried the casual relationship thing in the past, I got hurt badly, both times. Both times, I broke the rules and fell for the guy. (Damn guys, turning out to be real people instead of just bodies!) Neither time was the guy interested in being with me like that. Both times I ended up regretting it. Not going there again, thanks. I think about it, mostly thinking about how to ease the loneliness. I just want to be held and loved.
What I really want most isn't sex. That's the real clencher. There was a friend once who, after I'd tried going after a guy and been rejected, actually did that for me. We went to another friend's house. We ended up laying on the couch together, watching a movie. I fell asleep and he just held me while I drooled all over his arm. (Give me a break, I had a cold and couldn't breathe through my nose!) When the movie was over, he woke me up. He didn't seem to even mind about his arm being soggy. That's what I need, to be super honest about things. Someone who isn't and wasn't involved in all that mess to just hold me and let me sleep. There is something deeply restorative about being held while sleeping when the world seems upside down. I doubt I could find that though, so, onward, right?
Today I took a giant leap. No one burst into flames. I didn't drop over dead in an instant. It went really well, in fact. I have a coworker that I seem to get along well with. I'll call her SM. We've talked a few times, and the talks always have a very natural flow. She had invited me in the past to join her for some adult classes she's found in the area that aren't expensive. So, I decided, what the heck, I'd ask her about going to a church thing with me. She was pretty hesitant about it. She was apparently raised in a very religious household (yet another thing we have in common). But, she agreed to go with me. YAY! Then she started talking about new classes she's found that are coming up and asked again if I'd like to go with her. YAY! The next one up she wants to do is calligraphy. I've done calligraphy in the past, but never had any real training for it. A class in it sounds awesome! The plan is that we'll do the church thing on Sunday and we'll come back to my place and plan out classes together. She looked as excited as I felt about the idea of having someone to do things with.
I told my little sister. Smartass says "Aww, sissy made a new fwiend!" *lol* I love that brat.
So, we'll see how the weekend goes. I've also been invited to a cookout tomorrow. I'm hesitant about going. It's the family of the non-involved roomie. While he wasn't involved in the mess, he did do his share of continuing the drama after we all moved apart. We don't hang out often, but his sister has adopted me, so has his mother, so I suppose I should go. I have few enough friends here, I should keep an eye out for those that I do have, and for those who are continuing to make overtures of friendship to me.
I did talk to J today, on the phone. I had questions I needed answers to. Whatever the answer was going to be. I asked if he'd be willing to talk to me and answer them. He said he would, and so I called him on my lunch break today. I asked my questions, and got my answers. I actually got a little more than my answers. After I was done with my few questions, I asked if he had any questions for me. His response was, "No, you've told me quite a lot." His tone made it clear he's pretty angry with me about the things I've said to him. I haven't been cruel, insulting or mean. I've been honest. I've called him on his shit. He's apparently still not liking that I did that. Through the afternoon though, I realized something.
I realized that while I love J, still, and yes admit that I would do just about anything to have our relationship restored, I don't actually want to be with him *right now.* He still doesn't want to take any real responsibility for what he did there. He said something about how the drama was too much and he was exhausted from the constant battering from it. That every night one of us had some complaint and it was too much for him. He doesn't want to admit though, that he fed that drama. He told us both about how horrid the other was being. He made out like he didn't want to be with the other. Heck, he flat out told me he didn't want to be with T, and told her he didn't really want to be with me anymore. Was there drama? Yes. His lies, deceptions, and refusals to take any responsibility for the environment he created, was the primary source of drama, for me and T both.
I don't want to be with anyone who can't own their shit. Fine, he screwed up. So did I. I know where I did. I've admitted it and apologized and tried to make amends for it. He's still refusing to admit what he did. If we were to even talk about getting back together (and we didn't talk about it today), it'd just start all the nightmare all over again.
It's a really sad realization. This strange, almost duality of desire to be with J, and recognition that I don't want to be with J, that it'd just be more of the same. The conversation ended almost sadly. I told him I still love him, he said he loves me and that won't ever change. Then he said not to give up, that he still has a good feeling about the future, and that while he doesn't know what'll happen, he knows it'll all work out ok.
I needed that conversation though, and I'm glad that he was willing to have it with me. I'm glad to know that angry or not, he's still concerned about me and does want good things for me. I'm glad to know he's there if I need him. I'm glad he knows I'm here if he needs me. I still wish that I could just curl up in his arms and sleep for a night. I'm just glad for a sense of closure on questions that wouldn't leave me alone.
For tonight, I have made no plans. While I sit here typing this out, I've thought about going out for coffee, but I just don't feel like going back out. Maybe this is the night to curl up with my book and read and let the ferrets continue their roaming. Maybe I should just take a break and let my mind and heart have some rest. I think that sounds like a good idea. It has been a long week!
But, I made it! I'm alive, and I didn't melt into the puddle I thought I was going to, and I went to counseling and I have plans for the weekend!
So, Sunday, I did the laundry. Go me. Over the course of Saturday and Sunday I had a CLEAN ALL THE THINGS! rampage. When the air conditioning went out Sunday afternoon, it killed the rampage and left me fighting off heat exhaustion every night. Thank the gods who inspired the creation of Gatorade. Gatorade and freezers, so I had ice in the house!
The air came back on yesterday evening and thanks to a surprise thunderstorm in the area, the house cooled off before bedtime. I don't think I had anything close to consciousness until this morning. I'm spoiled, I admit it, but I just can't survive well in 90-some degree heat anymore.
I made it out to the counseling appointment on Wednesday. The counselor says I'm making progress. Apparently the melt down on Saturday morning was needed. I've felt better since. Still sad, still unhappy with things as they are, still heartbroken, but I'm starting to consider "the future."
I used to have a life. When my ex-husband and I split up, I had the kids with me most of the time. Every other weekend though, the kids were gone. On those weekends, I learned to get out and live! I went hiking and had picnics with my friends. One of my friends and I often went roller blading. I took long bike rides and walks, just because I could. When I didn't have someone to go with me when I wanted to do something, I went by myself. I went to midnight movie showings. I took walks through a nearby park at all hours of the night. I sketched. I wrote. I did poetry readings and had some of my work published.
So, I started looking at these things I used to do and thought about what I might like to do now. I mean, as nice as it sounds to an introvert like me, staying in my apartment the rest of my life just isn't what I want to do. Yes, going to a church or some sort of community thing is a good idea, but the things I remember most were the poetry readings I did.
I got online and looked up open mic poetry readings in the area. I found quite a few that just happened, dang it. None of the groups seemed to have anything scheduled in the future though. (Or if they did, they really need someone to redo their websites. Those sites were horrible to navigate!) I found out that a place I know of downtown hosts readings though, so I decided to check out their site. The link to their site took me to a surprise. I can rent out a studio for an art show for all of $200!
I started thinking back in January about doing an art show. I need a LOT more work done. My plan for the year has been derailed thus far. I was going to complete one work per month. I can do that easily if I put my mind to it. I've completed one and started laying out the second. Oh well, so much for that goal? Anyway, I have to have 10 pieces to send digital images of to the gallery, along with an application. Then I wait until they have a space for me and it's all set. So, while I'm not ready now, I know where to go when I AM ready! The piece I'm laying out will be for sale. I realized after the last piece was completed, I can't keep all my artwork. My walls are already getting full! It is kinda cool though, to have all original artworks on my walls. Not all by me, but still. It's neat. I like.
I wish I could say I feel truly excited about looking at the future. I don't really. It's still very hard to do. Yet, despite that, I am doing it. Cautiously, almost shyly peeking ahead again, but I'm doing it. The counselor says that these are wonderful signs. He says this is the beginning of the stage of new beginnings, and the fact that I recognize them as necessary is almost more promising than if I were just charging headfirst into them as that might mean I was frantically trying to find something to do to drown the pain.
No, activities are not what I'm thinking of doing to drown the pain. I don't have the cajones to do what I'd like to do to drown the pain. I'd like to go find myself a series of one night stands.
I won't. It's just completely counter to who I am to do that. Even if I were to try to do that, I wouldn't succeed. I'd get just so far and bail. I've tried the casual relationship thing in the past, I got hurt badly, both times. Both times, I broke the rules and fell for the guy. (Damn guys, turning out to be real people instead of just bodies!) Neither time was the guy interested in being with me like that. Both times I ended up regretting it. Not going there again, thanks. I think about it, mostly thinking about how to ease the loneliness. I just want to be held and loved.
What I really want most isn't sex. That's the real clencher. There was a friend once who, after I'd tried going after a guy and been rejected, actually did that for me. We went to another friend's house. We ended up laying on the couch together, watching a movie. I fell asleep and he just held me while I drooled all over his arm. (Give me a break, I had a cold and couldn't breathe through my nose!) When the movie was over, he woke me up. He didn't seem to even mind about his arm being soggy. That's what I need, to be super honest about things. Someone who isn't and wasn't involved in all that mess to just hold me and let me sleep. There is something deeply restorative about being held while sleeping when the world seems upside down. I doubt I could find that though, so, onward, right?
Today I took a giant leap. No one burst into flames. I didn't drop over dead in an instant. It went really well, in fact. I have a coworker that I seem to get along well with. I'll call her SM. We've talked a few times, and the talks always have a very natural flow. She had invited me in the past to join her for some adult classes she's found in the area that aren't expensive. So, I decided, what the heck, I'd ask her about going to a church thing with me. She was pretty hesitant about it. She was apparently raised in a very religious household (yet another thing we have in common). But, she agreed to go with me. YAY! Then she started talking about new classes she's found that are coming up and asked again if I'd like to go with her. YAY! The next one up she wants to do is calligraphy. I've done calligraphy in the past, but never had any real training for it. A class in it sounds awesome! The plan is that we'll do the church thing on Sunday and we'll come back to my place and plan out classes together. She looked as excited as I felt about the idea of having someone to do things with.
I told my little sister. Smartass says "Aww, sissy made a new fwiend!" *lol* I love that brat.
So, we'll see how the weekend goes. I've also been invited to a cookout tomorrow. I'm hesitant about going. It's the family of the non-involved roomie. While he wasn't involved in the mess, he did do his share of continuing the drama after we all moved apart. We don't hang out often, but his sister has adopted me, so has his mother, so I suppose I should go. I have few enough friends here, I should keep an eye out for those that I do have, and for those who are continuing to make overtures of friendship to me.
I did talk to J today, on the phone. I had questions I needed answers to. Whatever the answer was going to be. I asked if he'd be willing to talk to me and answer them. He said he would, and so I called him on my lunch break today. I asked my questions, and got my answers. I actually got a little more than my answers. After I was done with my few questions, I asked if he had any questions for me. His response was, "No, you've told me quite a lot." His tone made it clear he's pretty angry with me about the things I've said to him. I haven't been cruel, insulting or mean. I've been honest. I've called him on his shit. He's apparently still not liking that I did that. Through the afternoon though, I realized something.
I realized that while I love J, still, and yes admit that I would do just about anything to have our relationship restored, I don't actually want to be with him *right now.* He still doesn't want to take any real responsibility for what he did there. He said something about how the drama was too much and he was exhausted from the constant battering from it. That every night one of us had some complaint and it was too much for him. He doesn't want to admit though, that he fed that drama. He told us both about how horrid the other was being. He made out like he didn't want to be with the other. Heck, he flat out told me he didn't want to be with T, and told her he didn't really want to be with me anymore. Was there drama? Yes. His lies, deceptions, and refusals to take any responsibility for the environment he created, was the primary source of drama, for me and T both.
I don't want to be with anyone who can't own their shit. Fine, he screwed up. So did I. I know where I did. I've admitted it and apologized and tried to make amends for it. He's still refusing to admit what he did. If we were to even talk about getting back together (and we didn't talk about it today), it'd just start all the nightmare all over again.
It's a really sad realization. This strange, almost duality of desire to be with J, and recognition that I don't want to be with J, that it'd just be more of the same. The conversation ended almost sadly. I told him I still love him, he said he loves me and that won't ever change. Then he said not to give up, that he still has a good feeling about the future, and that while he doesn't know what'll happen, he knows it'll all work out ok.
I needed that conversation though, and I'm glad that he was willing to have it with me. I'm glad to know that angry or not, he's still concerned about me and does want good things for me. I'm glad to know he's there if I need him. I'm glad he knows I'm here if he needs me. I still wish that I could just curl up in his arms and sleep for a night. I'm just glad for a sense of closure on questions that wouldn't leave me alone.
For tonight, I have made no plans. While I sit here typing this out, I've thought about going out for coffee, but I just don't feel like going back out. Maybe this is the night to curl up with my book and read and let the ferrets continue their roaming. Maybe I should just take a break and let my mind and heart have some rest. I think that sounds like a good idea. It has been a long week!