In which I fumble and recover.
I didn't go to church today. Rather, I made it to the church but didn't stay.
My friend from work met me at my place and we drove to the church I used to go to with J. I was actually very excited about going. I loved it there. The lessons were wonderful, always full of food for the kind of thinking I enjoy most. The people were wonderful, friendly, and just uplifting to be around. I figured if I could just go the one time, with someone with me, I'd be fine to go on my own from then on.
We pulled into the parking lot and I felt terribly nervous and short of breath. We walked through the gate to the courtyard entry, and I almost fell apart at the seams. I seriously couldn't decide if I should vomit or bawl. It just hit me that hard and that fast. I didn't get away without having to talk to anyone either. J's professor/friend was there and saw me and recognized me. He waved and walked toward me and said "You look like you're looking for the pool and can't figure out where it went." He hugged me and I really did have to fight not to start crying. I said, "I'm sorry, I thought i was ready for this, but I'm ... I guess I'm not." He looked confused and I said "J and I broke up." The look on his face was one of the most understanding I've seen in ages. He hugged me again and said "You do what you need to do for now. We're not going anywhere. Come back when you're ready, ok?"
I agreed to come back, grabbed my friend and fled. Once we were off the street where the church is, I was fine.
Fortunately, SM also went through a bad breakup several years ago, and it took her a good bit of time to recover, and she understood exactly what was going on with me. I didn't even have to say anything until she got us away from there and asked "Feeling better now?"
So what did we do with the morning? We wandered! We did a quick stop at a local drug store for a few things and went for breakfast. Then, because she had foreseen that things may not go according to plan, SM whips out her backup plan. We went to the art history museum, which is free on Sunday mornings apparently, and walked through an exhibit of ancient Central and South American artifacts. It was really nice. I also found out that I can still recall a few Mayan symbols from back in the college days! I went through a stage then where every paper for my Spanish classes were written on Mayan culture. I recognized the format of a name, and a few of the symbols for the rain and corn gods. I was well pleased with myself.
I may wait a week or two and go ahead to try the UU church. That experience this morning was really jarring. Yet, I wasn't alone and the morning was recovered. I was so happy to not be alone for that one. SM understood completely, without me having to explain much. She was the perfect support for that moment. As we agreed, maybe I needed to have that happen so I'd understand that those places aren't for me, for now. Maybe in the future, but for now, that's not somewhere I need to be. I am a little sad that I can't go there. I really did love it there. In fact, I think I was more into that group than J was, by far. If anyone is interested, it's a Science of Mind church. Some things are a little more fluffy than suits my take on reality, but overall, it's a wonderful way of looking at life, yourself and the world.
So that has been my day so far. The rest is going to be boring. I have housework and laundry to get done.
Last night was interesting though. I went to Starbucks, got some iced tea, and settled in on the patio with Atlas Shrugged for my Saturday night "See, I'm out in public alone" thing.
I had just gotten myself settled and a guy came out to the patio. He started fooling with the umbrellas, trying to get himself some shade. We ended up chatting very briefly about how blinding the sun was and that maybe I had the right idea by just sitting with my back to the sun. He ended up picking a seat across the patio and settled in.
Now, I will say, rather smugly, I looked good last night. I had on a pair of jeans that make my lower half look like all sorts of awesomeness, and a cute but simple top that hugs the chest and leaves everything else with a loose cover. Ok, I looked not just good, but sexy. I wasn't really trying to, which I think is what really did it.
So, the guy has his drink and leaves. A little while later, he's back! He comes back to the patio, looks straight at me, I smiled and he fled to a table that was a little closer to me, and sat so that he could glance over at me. I caught him looking at me a couple of times and just smiled a little smile that said "I saw that." He looked flustered both times.
He left. A little while later he came back AGAIN! At this point, I realized what was going on. I looked up when he came out to the patio, smiled as gently as I could, and even took my headphones out of one ear. He froze in his tracks, and picked a table that left only one table between us. He sat there fidgeting for a solid 30 minutes. He finished his drink and didn't leave, he just sat there, glancing over at me and fidgeting.
I swear the sadist in me was eating this up. A guy who was just as shy as me? A guy who apparently hadn't mastered some of the "don't let anyone see how nervous I am" skills? He wasn't bad looking either! My age I'd guess, thinning hair, but not unattractive, no comb-overs or anything like that. He was tall, slender, seemed reasonably fit, too. He had a nice face and gentle demeanor. Yes, I was interested. If he'd talked to me, I'd have stuck around. I also got a good look at his hands, no rings. No tan lines from a ring either.
I eventually decided that he wasn't going to manage saying anything to me, so I gathered up my things, smiled again and wished him a good evening, and left. He looked like I'd just smacked him with a board when I wished him a good evening, which made me chuckle inside. Cute.
I'm not saying I'm ready to go start dating or anything, but I don't think I've ever seen myself as having that much impact on any guy, ever. I'm still preening a little and chuckling over his shyness. And yeah, if I go back and he shows up and works up the nerve to talk to me, I'll talk to him. Why not, right?
My friend from work met me at my place and we drove to the church I used to go to with J. I was actually very excited about going. I loved it there. The lessons were wonderful, always full of food for the kind of thinking I enjoy most. The people were wonderful, friendly, and just uplifting to be around. I figured if I could just go the one time, with someone with me, I'd be fine to go on my own from then on.
We pulled into the parking lot and I felt terribly nervous and short of breath. We walked through the gate to the courtyard entry, and I almost fell apart at the seams. I seriously couldn't decide if I should vomit or bawl. It just hit me that hard and that fast. I didn't get away without having to talk to anyone either. J's professor/friend was there and saw me and recognized me. He waved and walked toward me and said "You look like you're looking for the pool and can't figure out where it went." He hugged me and I really did have to fight not to start crying. I said, "I'm sorry, I thought i was ready for this, but I'm ... I guess I'm not." He looked confused and I said "J and I broke up." The look on his face was one of the most understanding I've seen in ages. He hugged me again and said "You do what you need to do for now. We're not going anywhere. Come back when you're ready, ok?"
I agreed to come back, grabbed my friend and fled. Once we were off the street where the church is, I was fine.
Fortunately, SM also went through a bad breakup several years ago, and it took her a good bit of time to recover, and she understood exactly what was going on with me. I didn't even have to say anything until she got us away from there and asked "Feeling better now?"
So what did we do with the morning? We wandered! We did a quick stop at a local drug store for a few things and went for breakfast. Then, because she had foreseen that things may not go according to plan, SM whips out her backup plan. We went to the art history museum, which is free on Sunday mornings apparently, and walked through an exhibit of ancient Central and South American artifacts. It was really nice. I also found out that I can still recall a few Mayan symbols from back in the college days! I went through a stage then where every paper for my Spanish classes were written on Mayan culture. I recognized the format of a name, and a few of the symbols for the rain and corn gods. I was well pleased with myself.
I may wait a week or two and go ahead to try the UU church. That experience this morning was really jarring. Yet, I wasn't alone and the morning was recovered. I was so happy to not be alone for that one. SM understood completely, without me having to explain much. She was the perfect support for that moment. As we agreed, maybe I needed to have that happen so I'd understand that those places aren't for me, for now. Maybe in the future, but for now, that's not somewhere I need to be. I am a little sad that I can't go there. I really did love it there. In fact, I think I was more into that group than J was, by far. If anyone is interested, it's a Science of Mind church. Some things are a little more fluffy than suits my take on reality, but overall, it's a wonderful way of looking at life, yourself and the world.
So that has been my day so far. The rest is going to be boring. I have housework and laundry to get done.
Last night was interesting though. I went to Starbucks, got some iced tea, and settled in on the patio with Atlas Shrugged for my Saturday night "See, I'm out in public alone" thing.
I had just gotten myself settled and a guy came out to the patio. He started fooling with the umbrellas, trying to get himself some shade. We ended up chatting very briefly about how blinding the sun was and that maybe I had the right idea by just sitting with my back to the sun. He ended up picking a seat across the patio and settled in.
Now, I will say, rather smugly, I looked good last night. I had on a pair of jeans that make my lower half look like all sorts of awesomeness, and a cute but simple top that hugs the chest and leaves everything else with a loose cover. Ok, I looked not just good, but sexy. I wasn't really trying to, which I think is what really did it.
So, the guy has his drink and leaves. A little while later, he's back! He comes back to the patio, looks straight at me, I smiled and he fled to a table that was a little closer to me, and sat so that he could glance over at me. I caught him looking at me a couple of times and just smiled a little smile that said "I saw that." He looked flustered both times.
He left. A little while later he came back AGAIN! At this point, I realized what was going on. I looked up when he came out to the patio, smiled as gently as I could, and even took my headphones out of one ear. He froze in his tracks, and picked a table that left only one table between us. He sat there fidgeting for a solid 30 minutes. He finished his drink and didn't leave, he just sat there, glancing over at me and fidgeting.
I swear the sadist in me was eating this up. A guy who was just as shy as me? A guy who apparently hadn't mastered some of the "don't let anyone see how nervous I am" skills? He wasn't bad looking either! My age I'd guess, thinning hair, but not unattractive, no comb-overs or anything like that. He was tall, slender, seemed reasonably fit, too. He had a nice face and gentle demeanor. Yes, I was interested. If he'd talked to me, I'd have stuck around. I also got a good look at his hands, no rings. No tan lines from a ring either.
I eventually decided that he wasn't going to manage saying anything to me, so I gathered up my things, smiled again and wished him a good evening, and left. He looked like I'd just smacked him with a board when I wished him a good evening, which made me chuckle inside. Cute.
I'm not saying I'm ready to go start dating or anything, but I don't think I've ever seen myself as having that much impact on any guy, ever. I'm still preening a little and chuckling over his shyness. And yeah, if I go back and he shows up and works up the nerve to talk to me, I'll talk to him. Why not, right?