笑ないで、my life. 忘れないで、my love. 鳴きないで、my heart. part one.
This livejournal has been only used to twist together the ending strands of dreams into something beautiful.
But today is different.
This post is not a dream. This is real. I am purging. Like a river lets out its water from a dam, I cannot let this stagnate any longer. If I write it all out, perhaps I dwell on it less. Maybe I'll be able to move on.
Part One
I never had anything against love at first sight, even before I moved to Japan. But it did seem ridiculously inaccurate, somehow. The idea of attraction at first sight, on the other hand... that, I could understand and believe in. And then I saw Ken Iwazumi and knew that it wasn't just something from paperback romances or from chick flicks. It was real. It was something, anyway. I'll use the word attraction, but you can think what you like, and you'll probably be just as close to the truth.
It was two years ago, almost. I had just arrived in Japan less than a week prior. My friends and I had joked about my choice to abstain from dating in my senior year of high school; and I promised that I would have a Japanese boyfriend within my first month. I did, in fact, make my deadline with not Kenny but a boy from my church named Yoshi, who I met on September 29, and who I began dating not a week later.
But this story isn't about Yoshi; it's about Kenny.
He stood in front of the audience at the podium wearing an open-breasted haori and introduced himself in such a funny, cute way that everyone immediately liked him and laughed. That kind of charisma. Besides, he was the ideal that a girl who likes Japanese guys creates; he was bishounen; he was even 6 feet tall; had muscles; was on the soccer team and everything. My gaijin dorm mate and I just looked at each other and whispered oh-my-god-who-is-this-guy-squee. Later I would discover that every weeaboo (white person who likes japanese people) at our college basically felt the same.
And I was lucky. He was the first Japanese person to really become my friend.
I met him at an introductory party between dorms. I remembered him, of course, and was nervous to talk to him. Back then I still had that problem with good looking guys - I think that Kenny had a lot to do with helping me through that. He insisted that I drink a little, and even though I had up to that point refused to drink under-age, I accepted. And in a way I’m glad I did, because it loosened me up enough to stop being so timid and allowed me and some of the other guys there to have a really good conversation. He asked me about Texas, and then naturally the next question was about Bush; and I told him that I’d met the man before, and his mother, too. He was surprised to say the least. From that point on, he seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, and that was enough for me; I already knew he had a girlfriend, and from what little I had seen of her, I knew her to be beautiful.
I went to my first dorm party (with dancing) at the end of that week. I saw Kenny there and we danced a little and I drank more than a little, but so did he, so I guess it was okay. He invited me and my friend, Shannon, to come hang out with the guys at the 2nd Men's Dormitory after the party ended. I found out that Kenny was dorm president (and drunkenly, I made the super-goof of attaching 'sama' to his last name that night, so he insisted I use 'chan' instead. As I said, adorable). We played a drinking-game version of foosball and ended up on the same team. He called himself the King of Defense and myself his Queen of Offense. Every time we made a score we would either high five or hug or make silly faces at each other while pointing. At the end of the night - literally, morning - he and his other friend walked me and my friend back to our dorm and we all exchanged phone numbers.
I was eighteen, and too easily obsessed with him. Really, I knew that it was ridiculous, but I let it go on for ages, pining but not really; definitely setting Kenny up in my mind as PERFECT. We hadn’t even had that much conversation yet, not enough to deserve such a treatment from my mind or heart; as I mentioned before, our communication was limited. Although he understood english perfectly, he was too shy to speak in it; and I understood nearly no Japanese but wasn’t afraid to sound stupid. Somehow, the alcohol and the games evened it out and I was happy.
After a few of such parties, one of the seniors from my dormitory pulled aside my friend and I and told us that girls who went to 2MD sometimes had a bad reputation, and we would seem 'loose.' She warned us that the boys of 2MD were crazy. We laughed about it later; it was fun to be crazy, what was wrong with that? And besides, we weren't like the girls who “went upstairs” -- that was the term synonymous to sleeping around with one of the guys -- we were just having fun. But all the same, by November, Shannon stopped coming with me to the after parties (she had had a falling out with one of the dorm members after a failed dating attempt). I kept going. I did it just to see Kenny and be with him, and even though it was only every one to two months, it was enough for me. Or so I told myself. “Enough” was a signifier, a word that I thought I understood but didn’t. With Kenny, it would never be enough until he felt exactly as much for me as I did for him, but I was too young and naive to know that then.
I was dating Yoshi at this point, and had been since the beginning of October, and I was really, truly in love. During November I wrote on my livejournal how being in love (with Yoshi) was so much more incredible than I had previously known - that it made everything else fall away. Even then, I wasn't thinking about everything else. I was thinking about Kenny, and in my mind, I told myself that I was over it.
After Christmas break though, the only thing that I really got over was Yoshi. Throughout the month of January I steadily began falling out of love with him, realizing that he wasn't right for me. But I still continued dating him, and wore the diamond necklace he had given me around my neck. It had a small cross in it (I am a christian) and Kenny noticed at one of the after parties and asked about it. I told him it was from my boyfriend. Flirtily, he asked, "Eeeh? Keshi donna garufrendo?" (Really? Casey, what kind of a girlfriend are you?). And what was I supposed to tell him? I thought to myself, guiltily, "A terrible one - I'm at a party with you!" but said the exact opposite. When I had loved Yoshi, I had been a very good girlfriend; that had been true, anyway.
That night in January was great, though. Around 5 am, we all went drunkenly to the tatami mat room and collapsed on futons. I was in the center of about 5 or 6 boys, sleeping. To my left, Kenny propped himself up on his elbow and put his cheek in his hand. I still remember exactly what he said. "Kyou tanoshikatta. Minna, arigatou." (Today was fun. Thank you everyone). He was so sincere and wonderful - after saying that he collapsed with his arm over his eyes to block out the light of dawn. It was now 6 am, and I stared at him for a long time before falling asleep.
Throughout that semester, I remember that when I biked to class for my first morning period, I would sometimes run into Kenny on his bike. He looked surprised to see me the first few times -who knows why! we both lived on campus, and there ere only a few thousand people after all. At one point - perhaps in February, he and some of the other dorm boys mentioned to me that they noticed how I dress up for parties - I do my hair, wear makeup, fashionable clothes, etc. Or as they put it eloquently, "You look kawaii now, but around campus, you always look very different." After that night I began making efforts not to go to class with my hair unwashed, to wear shirts and jeans if I felt ugly, never again. From then on I decided to be kawaii all the time.
In the beginning of March, I broke up with the boy who I had loved. The spring break was six weeks long, so it was a while until I interacted with 2MD again. At last I saw Kenny at a party, the weekend after my birthday in April. I had been given a tequila shot by some idiot and ended up leaning against the wall in the bar talking to Kenny as best as I could. I couldn't dance though - I ended up sitting on a couch, and was hit on by one guy who wanted to sleep with me. I was rescued by Afro-san, my roommate's ex-boyfriend. He was incredibly kind. We talked for a while, and then I realized that one of my dormmates, Bon, was even more drunk than I was - and my memory was blacking out from second to second. Afro-san helped Bon and I out the door. As soon as I turned around to thank him, I suddenly realized that I was being kissed. I thought it was Afro-san, because he had been helping me all night. It was only months later that I realized that the kiss required me to lean down rather than up. It wasn't Afro-san, it had been my dormmate (not the same one as I had mentioned earlier). And thus begins and ends the history of my lesbian experimentation.
Thinking it had been Afro-san, though, I drunkenly stumbled up the stairs to my dormitory room - and met my ex-roommate on the way. I collapsed against her, drunkenly apologizing (though I wouldn't tell her why). Once I got to the third floor of the dorm, I changed my mind about my destination, and visited Shannon's room down the hall, hoping to share my woeful distress with her. She wasn't there so I called her name brokenly and laid in her bed for about an hour before I was confronted by my ex-roommate, who I guiltily told "Your ex-boyfriend kissed me!!". She was great, though, and merely recommended that I go to my own bed. I didn't. I got out of Shannon's bed and then laid in the hallway for about 7 minutes before realizing that if someone saw me, that would be bad. So I went to my room and instead of sleeping, I set my alarm clock so I could wake up at midnight, the time that Kenny had told me to come over.
I was less drunk by the time I arrived. Thank goodness.
During Spring Break someone had broken the foosball table and so Kenny, me, and two other guys just played Beer Pong together. Again I was on Kenny's team. As the night progressed, we tried to beat each other by any method possible; namely, distraction. I ended up using my 'feminine wiles' (I didn't take off my top or anything, but these are Japanese boys. They really didn't require much, and they were rather confidence inducing. I think both of them buried their heads in the sofa at least once or twice. But they weren't nice or playing fair either, and did some very suggestive stuff. Needless to say it was effective but I tried not to show it.) But what I drunkenly did and didn't realize was that the other two guys in the room were attracted to me, to some degree or another.
One of them tried to put his hand up my skirt that night, but Kenny stopped him, saying, "Casey is a christian. She's not that kind of girl". The other boy was named Yaji.
I didn't know it, but Yaji was in love with me.
That night, Kenny and I sat on the couch for the first time actually talking about our families, backgrounds, etc. My Japanese still wasn't fluent yet, but it was far improved from its meager beginnings - when we had met, I had spoken almost completely in English. I told him about my past, my life in Texas, and how much I missed Mexican food. When he asked if I could cook, I told him, Yes! and that I would cook some Mexican food for him any time that he asked. He did ask. And then, he told me excitedly how he had just gotten, and accepted a job offer with a company in Kyoto. I was sad, but I thought to myself, 'at least we have one more year.' Yaji had fallen asleep next to us, but not before he had asked for us to exchange numbers. I wasn't sure at the time why but it was clear later that week. He texted me some, and chatted with me on facebook increasingly often, and I gathered that he kind of had a crush on me. I didn't think anyone would come of it.
That next week, I had planned to go out for Ramen with a friend, Ryan. It was casual, obviously, as friends; I hadn’t washed my hair that day, was wearing glasses, had an over-sized sweater on, no make up... So much for being kawaii all the time. Anyway, Ryan's dorm was next to 2nd Men's. Ryan was sleeping, so he wasn't going to go. And I had no food in my fridge, so I wanted to go out to eat - and nothing is lamer than eating ramen alone. I texted my dorm mates; they were studying. I went through my list and finally got to Yaji and texted him to see if he was busy and that I was going to get ramen; did he want to come along?
Gaijin mistake number one.
I waited at the dorm for about 20 minutes, even though he said he'd be right out. When he finally DID come out, he was wearing crisp, kakkoi clothing, his hair was freshly washed and styled, and he was wearing cologne. Months later I would discover that the boys at the dorm had been watching me from the windows, and texting each other like girls to say, Yaji is going on a date! With Casey!!!
He asked me where I wanted to go; and truth was I didn't want ramen so I suggested this fast food italian joint. He looked surprised but agreed. I played it casual - I'm good at that, at least - but it was too late; he already thought we had a chance and I was realizing that if I had met him in America, I would've liked him for sure (he was Japanese, decent-looking, nice, and liked me. That was more than enough, then!). But now I was in Japan and had met Kenny and Oh no, this is getting out of control.
So I kindly let Yaji know that I was too busy with studies to really go out again, and to prove it, I skipped out on the next ball- the last one of the year - because I knew if I saw Kenny it would be bad. After all, he still had his girlfriend, and when I saw the pictures on facebook, I knew that they were madly in love with each other.
That was Freshman Year.