Another One of Those Unexplained Things
I went into one of my "depressed, antisocial, don't know what's going on" thing again. I really have no idea what brings them on. But when I have one I can't talk, I haven't a clue what to say. It hurts mentality and emotionally not being able to talk about it. I just seem to get so unhappy and cry and I don't know why. And because of it, I push Ryan away and now I have no idea what to do to rectify that situation which is making me depressed and I can feel another "episode" coming on. I'm trying to fight it but I feel so secluded. I don't know what to do. I just want to scream.
Sometimes I forget that I am not really apart of this family...I mean I am but I'm not. I'm still just his girlfriend and I forget. I mean when I was "Russ's daughter" there was a different role I played, but now...I don't know. Maybe it's all in my head and they don't care that I'm always around, but sometimes I just feel like Ryan's girlfriend and that I shouldn't be around all the time.
I wish I was more vocal about the important things. I seem to be able to talk and talk about anything of no importance, but as soon as it's serious or important I seem to shut down. With everyone....not just Ryan. Family, friends...everyone.
I'm so scared all the time that he'll leave me, even though he's given no indication of wanting too, I still feel it in the back of my mind that I'm not good enough and I won't have him forever. This causes me to cling to him more and then realize that if its gonna happen it's gonna happen and there's nothing I can do about it, which then just depresses me.
Again I wish I could talk about the important things...
Sometimes I forget that I am not really apart of this family...I mean I am but I'm not. I'm still just his girlfriend and I forget. I mean when I was "Russ's daughter" there was a different role I played, but now...I don't know. Maybe it's all in my head and they don't care that I'm always around, but sometimes I just feel like Ryan's girlfriend and that I shouldn't be around all the time.
I wish I was more vocal about the important things. I seem to be able to talk and talk about anything of no importance, but as soon as it's serious or important I seem to shut down. With everyone....not just Ryan. Family, friends...everyone.
I'm so scared all the time that he'll leave me, even though he's given no indication of wanting too, I still feel it in the back of my mind that I'm not good enough and I won't have him forever. This causes me to cling to him more and then realize that if its gonna happen it's gonna happen and there's nothing I can do about it, which then just depresses me.
Again I wish I could talk about the important things...