I need to be needed
I have just found this out about myself. I really do need to be needed. I like helping people and when I no longer feel needed I get very depressed. Maybe that's why I choose people who need to be fixed to have around me. Maybe I like fixing people. And I know that some people can't be fixed, but I certainly like to try. I worry constantly and then everyone should worry too. If I'm no longer needed I feel little to no self worth. This is a very interesting thing to find out about oneself while sitting in a hospital watching your boyfriend sleep.
This is think rolls over into all aspects of my life, friends, family and even strangers. I need to be able to help you. I need to at least feel like you need my input from time to time. And I think this fact maybe why I have stopped talking to some of my friends, it just seems like they no longer need me and worse even, or want me around.
I think I think too much. especially when I'm just sitting in the hospital waiting for the next "i need you" grunt. There's lots of time to think, even with all the annoying beeping going off. I think if I can handle this and yes I can. I think about what kind of future we could have together, could we bring a baby into this world, could I handle it. I am realizing I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. I have dealt with blood, throw up, spit and even urine. Things I never thought I would be able to do, I've done them. I'm extremely proud of myself. That I have been able to stay by his side even at his worse. Rub his back while he throws up or hold his hand when they have to stick him yet again either for bloodwork or an IV, laying with him even though he hasn't showered in a few days (that's what happens when your in a hospital). I actually love staying with him and rubbing his back. Lying next to him and getting him whatever he might need, since the nurses are not able to come in as quickly. I think I already have the "for better or for worse" thing down.
I love hanging out with him on the beach and walking around whatever California town we happen to be at, long drives to nowhere and hitting balls with him at the range. He enjoys wandering bead shops and taking me to places to take pictures. He likes to do things I like to do, or at least he'll try them. And I have fun letting him "teach" me how to golf...haha that was funny. We are amazing together. I've never felt this way about anyone. And I don't think I could ask for his parents to be any better. They are amazing. This situation may not be ideal, but it works for us.
I just wish everyone could be happy for me.
This is think rolls over into all aspects of my life, friends, family and even strangers. I need to be able to help you. I need to at least feel like you need my input from time to time. And I think this fact maybe why I have stopped talking to some of my friends, it just seems like they no longer need me and worse even, or want me around.
I think I think too much. especially when I'm just sitting in the hospital waiting for the next "i need you" grunt. There's lots of time to think, even with all the annoying beeping going off. I think if I can handle this and yes I can. I think about what kind of future we could have together, could we bring a baby into this world, could I handle it. I am realizing I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. I have dealt with blood, throw up, spit and even urine. Things I never thought I would be able to do, I've done them. I'm extremely proud of myself. That I have been able to stay by his side even at his worse. Rub his back while he throws up or hold his hand when they have to stick him yet again either for bloodwork or an IV, laying with him even though he hasn't showered in a few days (that's what happens when your in a hospital). I actually love staying with him and rubbing his back. Lying next to him and getting him whatever he might need, since the nurses are not able to come in as quickly. I think I already have the "for better or for worse" thing down.
I love hanging out with him on the beach and walking around whatever California town we happen to be at, long drives to nowhere and hitting balls with him at the range. He enjoys wandering bead shops and taking me to places to take pictures. He likes to do things I like to do, or at least he'll try them. And I have fun letting him "teach" me how to golf...haha that was funny. We are amazing together. I've never felt this way about anyone. And I don't think I could ask for his parents to be any better. They are amazing. This situation may not be ideal, but it works for us.
I just wish everyone could be happy for me.