Quote round-up
"If you drive 40 they act like you're destroying the progress of Western Civilization." My Dad explaining the technical speed limit and the recommended actual speed on Douglas Pike, during the rush hour when all the people late for work at Fidelity and other yuppie Smithfield places of business are trying to get to work. He was telling Madeleine how to pick him up from work.
"So this is the perfect marriage of Queer as Folk and CSI?" Ethan's one-line review of Six Feet Under
"At 45 days since my last period, I was beginning to flip out. But don't worry, my good friends at First Response have decided that my urine is only worth one pink line." Anonymous to protect the innocence of this Virgin Mary.
"Can't Dave Navarro afford a whole shirt? I'm pretty sure he can for all that eyebrow sculpting." punkbrister59 on Rockstar Supernova
"My mum's favorite expression was 'If all of your friends joined the circus, would you?' Which was a really bad example because yes, yes I would. That would be the best sleepover ever." missmai_chan in a thread about our parents' expressions
"It's not a myth when in the Constitution, motherfucker!!!" helpimarock responding to a quote from a community-values leader discussing "the myth of separation of church in state in America."
"I'm sure you're all sitting around watching the footage of the Mars landers get torn apart by Martians>" jackshoegazer when I told him that I am secretive about my job due to the fact that I spend so many hours working on perpetuating the moon landing hoax.
"Saint Canard is where Darkwing Duck lived." blozor here
Now, for an overheard conversation round-up...
Fat girl: So I think I lost my favorite jeans.
Friend: What jeans?
Fat girl: You know, the ones that make my ass look small.
Friend: Honey, you can't lose something that doesn't exist.
--Union Square
Girl #1: Did you see that Italian lady offer me her seat on the subway?
Girl #2: Yeah, so?
Girl #1: So, it's the shirt. This fucking expensive shirt makes me look pregnant.
Girl #2: So don't wear it anymore.
Girl #1: No, it was expensive. I'd rather look like a well-dressed, knocked-up slut than a single girl with sub-par taste in clothing.
--AOL Time Warner Center, Columbus Circle
Fat girl, to friend: That tan girl looks better in my bikini than I do.
Random guy walking by: Yeah, she does.
--Traverse City, Michigan
Tourist man: Pardon me, officer, can you tell us where Orchard Street is?
Cop: See that naked Chinese guy?
Tourist man: Ummm...Yeah.
Cop: Walk down to him and make a left.
Tourist man: Um, thanks.
Cop: No problem.
--Delancey & Allen
Unless It's a Pleather Cow
*A teen girl punches her father repeatedly in the arm.*
Older sister: You know he can't feel that, right? He's wearing a leather jacket.
Teen girl: What?
Older sister: Yeah, that's why motorcyclists wear leather, so they don't get their skin scraped off when they go sliding across the pavement.
Teen girl: Oh! So if I punch a cow, it can't feel it?
Black woman: You know that girl you bumped into? She was handicapped. And you didn't say, "Excuse me."
White boy: Um, she bumped into me.
Black woman: So, she's handicapped. Is it her fault?
White boy: Shut the fuck up and go pick up your welfare check, you entitlement-addicted bitch.
--53rd & 5th
Girl #1: I hate gushing blood. Gross.
Girl #2: Yeah, and retarded people
Girl #3: Yeah, retarded people scare me
Girl #2: 'Cause you'll never know what they're gonna do, 'cause they're retarded.
--KFC, King's Highway, Brooklyn
Girl: Check out that guy's package.
Guy: What?
Girl: Look at the guy in the Speedo.
Guy: No.
Girl: Just look. He's huge.
Guy: Damn. You're right. I'm embarrassed now. And I feel a little gay. I'm going to the bathroom.
--Tobay Beach, Long Island, New York
Meathead #1: I was so wasted last night.
Meathead #2: Yeah?
Meathead #1: My girlfriend showed me pictures of me making out with a dude.
Meathead #2: Yeah, I think that was me.
--Revere Beach, Massachusetts
Guy #1: So I think I'm going to ask Catherine* to marry me next weekend.
Guy #2: Where you going to get married?
Guy #1: Does a man who's about to jump off a building worry about where they'll bury the body?
Late-20's professional #1: Aw, I miss being a ho-bag.
Late-20's professional #2: I know, me too. And I was so good at it!
--Starbucks, Broadway & Barclay
Girl #1: So, I just got my HIV test done for the Peace Corps.
Girl #2: Yeah, you wouldn't want to bring AIDS to Africa or anything.
--52nd St
Southern woman on cell: Have fun with the kids. Oh? He died? Joe's son died? Why'd he die so young? Vicodin overdose? Oh, I will be careful. Well, that's what happens when you take too much Vicodin. You die.
-- CVS, 54th & Lex
Woman holding baby: Excuse me, what did you say?
Woman with clipboard: I asked you if you would like to join the Democratic Party.
Woman holding baby: No, I'm not poor!
--Washington Square Park
Woman: She thinks she's so special cause she's pregnant. Try being 35 and not pregnant! That's harder to do!
--81st & Amsterdam
Old veteran: Have a Happy Father's Day!
Dad: Happy Father's Day to you, too.
Old veteran: Me? Oh no, not me. Well, maybe in Saigon.
--58th St & 37th Ave
Middle-Aged man: I think vampires are kind of stupid. They seem to care an awful lot about how they look and what others think. It's like, who cares? You're six hundred years old and on your way to hell, hello?
Girl: Do you want to go get some coffee?
Queer: No way! I don't want to feel like a fat whore.
Hobo lady: Can any of y'all help me? I need some food!
Rider lady: Would you like this?
Hobo lady: What the hell is that?
Rider lady: It's a kiwi.
Hobo lady: Bitch! I said I need some food!
Girl: I accidentally got on at the wrong station and my card says "just used." Could you let me through?
MTA employee: You broke the rules. Do you think it's okay to break the rules where you work?
Girl: I'm sorry?
MTA employee: Oh, you must think you're special. Guess what? You're not.
Girl: My mom says I'm special.
--Bergen St. subway, Brooklyn
Girl #1: How are you so fucking skinny!? All I see you do is eat, eat, and eat some fucking more! We just came from Dunkin fucking Donuts where you had a bagel and a fucking muffin! Now you're eating fucking chocolate! How are you so fucking skinny!? You're a fucking freak of nature!
Girl #2: Yo, shut the fuck up or I'll vomit all over your fat ass!
--Q88 bus
Himself... And Six Million Pissed-Off Ghosts
Drunk white man: Hey, sir. "Knish" is spelled wrong.
Indian cashier: What?
Drunk white man: The food behind the case here. You spelled "knish" wrong, and I've told you guys before and it still hasn't been fixed. Look, buddy, I've come in here ten times in the last week. I've told three other employees that the spelling is wrong, and next time I come in here it better be spelled right or the Jews are gonna come kill you.
Drunk white man storms out.
Indian cashier: That man is fucking crazy. It's knish. Is it even spelled wrong?
Woman: No. He just forgot to take his meds and now the Jews are gonna come and kill you. And by "the Jews" he means himself.
Girl: But can't the police seize it if it's a crime scene?
Logistical genius: If the police could seize a crime scene, no one in Brooklyn would have a house.
--Backyard barbeque, Fort Greene
Transparent guy: That's why gay guys are the best.
The straight man: How so?
Transparent guy: Gay guys are just bags of hormones. If they want sex, they just ask for it. Girls are like, "Let's all play coy and innocent!"
The straight man: I never thought of it like that.
Transparent guy: Gay guys are like, "Put your balls into my butt" kinda thing.
The straight man, laughing: Yeah, if I was gay I'd probably have sex all the time.
Transparent guy: Me too...Like just go out...find some gay dude... and touch his balls.
The straight man: Dude, what are you on?
--Tribeca
Girl: So, like, that Mary was too nice. I swear, if some angel came down and told me I was pregnant with God's kid, I'd abort it. No immaculate conceptions for me.
--Santa Cruz, California
Small child, trying a Sprite: I don't like it.
Dad: If you don't like the taste, just spit it out.
Mom: I've heard that one before.
--33rd & 7th
"So this is the perfect marriage of Queer as Folk and CSI?" Ethan's one-line review of Six Feet Under
"At 45 days since my last period, I was beginning to flip out. But don't worry, my good friends at First Response have decided that my urine is only worth one pink line." Anonymous to protect the innocence of this Virgin Mary.
"Can't Dave Navarro afford a whole shirt? I'm pretty sure he can for all that eyebrow sculpting." punkbrister59 on Rockstar Supernova
"My mum's favorite expression was 'If all of your friends joined the circus, would you?' Which was a really bad example because yes, yes I would. That would be the best sleepover ever." missmai_chan in a thread about our parents' expressions
"It's not a myth when in the Constitution, motherfucker!!!" helpimarock responding to a quote from a community-values leader discussing "the myth of separation of church in state in America."
"I'm sure you're all sitting around watching the footage of the Mars landers get torn apart by Martians>" jackshoegazer when I told him that I am secretive about my job due to the fact that I spend so many hours working on perpetuating the moon landing hoax.
"Saint Canard is where Darkwing Duck lived." blozor here
Now, for an overheard conversation round-up...
Fat girl: So I think I lost my favorite jeans.
Friend: What jeans?
Fat girl: You know, the ones that make my ass look small.
Friend: Honey, you can't lose something that doesn't exist.
--Union Square
Girl #1: Did you see that Italian lady offer me her seat on the subway?
Girl #2: Yeah, so?
Girl #1: So, it's the shirt. This fucking expensive shirt makes me look pregnant.
Girl #2: So don't wear it anymore.
Girl #1: No, it was expensive. I'd rather look like a well-dressed, knocked-up slut than a single girl with sub-par taste in clothing.
--AOL Time Warner Center, Columbus Circle
Fat girl, to friend: That tan girl looks better in my bikini than I do.
Random guy walking by: Yeah, she does.
--Traverse City, Michigan
Tourist man: Pardon me, officer, can you tell us where Orchard Street is?
Cop: See that naked Chinese guy?
Tourist man: Ummm...Yeah.
Cop: Walk down to him and make a left.
Tourist man: Um, thanks.
Cop: No problem.
--Delancey & Allen
Unless It's a Pleather Cow
*A teen girl punches her father repeatedly in the arm.*
Older sister: You know he can't feel that, right? He's wearing a leather jacket.
Teen girl: What?
Older sister: Yeah, that's why motorcyclists wear leather, so they don't get their skin scraped off when they go sliding across the pavement.
Teen girl: Oh! So if I punch a cow, it can't feel it?
Black woman: You know that girl you bumped into? She was handicapped. And you didn't say, "Excuse me."
White boy: Um, she bumped into me.
Black woman: So, she's handicapped. Is it her fault?
White boy: Shut the fuck up and go pick up your welfare check, you entitlement-addicted bitch.
--53rd & 5th
Girl #1: I hate gushing blood. Gross.
Girl #2: Yeah, and retarded people
Girl #3: Yeah, retarded people scare me
Girl #2: 'Cause you'll never know what they're gonna do, 'cause they're retarded.
--KFC, King's Highway, Brooklyn
Girl: Check out that guy's package.
Guy: What?
Girl: Look at the guy in the Speedo.
Guy: No.
Girl: Just look. He's huge.
Guy: Damn. You're right. I'm embarrassed now. And I feel a little gay. I'm going to the bathroom.
--Tobay Beach, Long Island, New York
Meathead #1: I was so wasted last night.
Meathead #2: Yeah?
Meathead #1: My girlfriend showed me pictures of me making out with a dude.
Meathead #2: Yeah, I think that was me.
--Revere Beach, Massachusetts
Guy #1: So I think I'm going to ask Catherine* to marry me next weekend.
Guy #2: Where you going to get married?
Guy #1: Does a man who's about to jump off a building worry about where they'll bury the body?
Late-20's professional #1: Aw, I miss being a ho-bag.
Late-20's professional #2: I know, me too. And I was so good at it!
--Starbucks, Broadway & Barclay
Girl #1: So, I just got my HIV test done for the Peace Corps.
Girl #2: Yeah, you wouldn't want to bring AIDS to Africa or anything.
--52nd St
Southern woman on cell: Have fun with the kids. Oh? He died? Joe's son died? Why'd he die so young? Vicodin overdose? Oh, I will be careful. Well, that's what happens when you take too much Vicodin. You die.
-- CVS, 54th & Lex
Woman holding baby: Excuse me, what did you say?
Woman with clipboard: I asked you if you would like to join the Democratic Party.
Woman holding baby: No, I'm not poor!
--Washington Square Park
Woman: She thinks she's so special cause she's pregnant. Try being 35 and not pregnant! That's harder to do!
--81st & Amsterdam
Old veteran: Have a Happy Father's Day!
Dad: Happy Father's Day to you, too.
Old veteran: Me? Oh no, not me. Well, maybe in Saigon.
--58th St & 37th Ave
Middle-Aged man: I think vampires are kind of stupid. They seem to care an awful lot about how they look and what others think. It's like, who cares? You're six hundred years old and on your way to hell, hello?
Girl: Do you want to go get some coffee?
Queer: No way! I don't want to feel like a fat whore.
Hobo lady: Can any of y'all help me? I need some food!
Rider lady: Would you like this?
Hobo lady: What the hell is that?
Rider lady: It's a kiwi.
Hobo lady: Bitch! I said I need some food!
Girl: I accidentally got on at the wrong station and my card says "just used." Could you let me through?
MTA employee: You broke the rules. Do you think it's okay to break the rules where you work?
Girl: I'm sorry?
MTA employee: Oh, you must think you're special. Guess what? You're not.
Girl: My mom says I'm special.
--Bergen St. subway, Brooklyn
Girl #1: How are you so fucking skinny!? All I see you do is eat, eat, and eat some fucking more! We just came from Dunkin fucking Donuts where you had a bagel and a fucking muffin! Now you're eating fucking chocolate! How are you so fucking skinny!? You're a fucking freak of nature!
Girl #2: Yo, shut the fuck up or I'll vomit all over your fat ass!
--Q88 bus
Himself... And Six Million Pissed-Off Ghosts
Drunk white man: Hey, sir. "Knish" is spelled wrong.
Indian cashier: What?
Drunk white man: The food behind the case here. You spelled "knish" wrong, and I've told you guys before and it still hasn't been fixed. Look, buddy, I've come in here ten times in the last week. I've told three other employees that the spelling is wrong, and next time I come in here it better be spelled right or the Jews are gonna come kill you.
Drunk white man storms out.
Indian cashier: That man is fucking crazy. It's knish. Is it even spelled wrong?
Woman: No. He just forgot to take his meds and now the Jews are gonna come and kill you. And by "the Jews" he means himself.
Girl: But can't the police seize it if it's a crime scene?
Logistical genius: If the police could seize a crime scene, no one in Brooklyn would have a house.
--Backyard barbeque, Fort Greene
Transparent guy: That's why gay guys are the best.
The straight man: How so?
Transparent guy: Gay guys are just bags of hormones. If they want sex, they just ask for it. Girls are like, "Let's all play coy and innocent!"
The straight man: I never thought of it like that.
Transparent guy: Gay guys are like, "Put your balls into my butt" kinda thing.
The straight man, laughing: Yeah, if I was gay I'd probably have sex all the time.
Transparent guy: Me too...Like just go out...find some gay dude... and touch his balls.
The straight man: Dude, what are you on?
--Tribeca
Girl: So, like, that Mary was too nice. I swear, if some angel came down and told me I was pregnant with God's kid, I'd abort it. No immaculate conceptions for me.
--Santa Cruz, California
Small child, trying a Sprite: I don't like it.
Dad: If you don't like the taste, just spit it out.
Mom: I've heard that one before.
--33rd & 7th