happy happy
I am finally back on the happy end of the mood spectrum, and it's a nice feeling. These days dont' come around nearly as often as they ought. It used to be that if I wasn't happy (which was never, by the way), then I was awfully depressed and all I wanted to do was isolate and hurt. Now when I'm not happy I'm angry and frustrated, and I want to yell and scream and hurt, but other people, not myself. It's work's fault, it really is. I made a decision last night to ask to transfer to a different store in the area after Teresa seemed unsympathetic to my plight of shitty hours. She sits there and looks at me as if I have no right to ask for anything and says "but I can't fit you in during the day, at least this is 'supervision'", and instead of lunging at her and attempting to kill her (like I'd been envisioning all day) I say "ok" and just walk out and make the decision to talk to Siham before I just quit without another job to fall back on. And believe me, that is exactly what I feel like doing. Teresa had been back for ten minutes yesterday and I'd already had enough. I just find it hard to deal with people like her, people who are stupid, who think they are king shit, who just, well, frustrate me. Yesterday was a shitty day at work, the day before it was a shitty day at work. I hate check outs. I didn't move down here to work five days a week on check outs in a shitty little store. In fact I didn't move down here to work at all, but I have to work, so I'd rather do something I remotely enjoy. Work is alright when I have authority, responsibility, and no one breathing down my neck being stupid! Even Lorelei gets to me these days, I'm snippy at her and I actually like her! I need something new asap, before I have a psychotic break, or go on a murderous rampage.
Yesterday I experienced the return of the stress headache, which doesn't respond to pain killers at all. It's not an actual headache, so it only goes away when the stress does, usually when I leave work. I managed to catch it early though, and got myself from a stressed state to a given-up-all-hope (of the day getting better) state, and spent the rest of the day with a really mild headache. I'm not looking forward to work this afternoon, or tomorrow, at all. I don't want to lose my good mood. I dont' want this mornign to have been for nothing. I got up, showered, shaved, washed my hair, put on my new shorts and danced around the lounge room, drinking out of a bottle of coke (yes, I know it's early) like you drink out of a bottle of vodka, and wondering when I'll have decent enough friends so that I can have a party. I'm thinking of just having one anyway. I want to drink, dance, have friends, have good times, shamelessly flirt on girls (and hope Dave doesn't notice, and I need to find a new girl considering I guess Laura and Sami aren't friends with me anymore), and just feel good. I'm sick of work, sick of studying (to an extent), sick of not having any friends, sick of spending my nights home alone (well, with Dave and Nash and sometimes Linda or Caleb), sick of working weekends, sick of living in the city and never having been or going anywhere. I think it's time to start living.
I bought new shorts yesterday. I wasn't going to, because I was just going to wait until next summer when it was going to be hot again for a while, and also because then I might have skinny little legs, but then I thought, with the right pair of shorts my legs won't look that fat anyway, and honestly, they're not. Being in a good mood levels out the body issues, and I don't feel that awful today. I also have no idea if the gym two days a week for the last two and a half weeks has done anything because the only scales I have is my WiiFit which is still all packed up. I've been meaning to buy a set. I've been wanting to buy new clothes a lot lately because everything I own is so boring and fashionless. And I really want to stop buying at big chain stores and find little quirky stores to build up my own personal style. Oh, and Dave pretty much hates all the clothes I like, which bugs me. I'm not not getting things just because he doesn't like them though, too bad for him. I love him, but not as much as to completely just suppress myself. And of course, I'm not a rich person. I bought a new skirt last week, a pair of shorts this week, and I was thinking of buying some more, but yesterday I finally bought Dave a birthday present (from January!). I just got him a pair of shoes he's been wanting, for $100, so I guess I'll wait til next week to buy more clothes. I really wanted this skirt in JayJays, but when I went there they didn't have my size, which made me sad. Oh, and apparently my ass is a size 12 now, which bugged me last night but makes me laugh now. Clothes and sizes are so fucked up these days. My undies are mostly all size 8s, most of my bottoms range from 8-10, with an occasional 12. I fit a 10 in a shirt, but mostly because of my boobs. If I was flat chested I could probably still fit an 8. I don't mind so much in the top, because I love having my boobs, I just want a flatter stomach, smaller hips and smaller thighs. And that's what I'm working out for, and it feels good. I'm seriously wondering why I didn't start working out ages ago, it makes me feel so happy.
I got my invoices for my res school. All up both times is costing me about $400 for accomodation, and meals are included. I didn't get the college on campus, so that means I'll be walking up that huge hill every day. I've got ten days to pay it, and that should be easy enough. It's booking the train that'll be hard, because I'll have to pay that straight away. I'm considering just transfering the money from my other account just to get it done, and when we get settled into a routine with rent, bills and food here I can start putting money back into it. I'm so excited to see Brooke, partly because of this sexual revelation. I guess I still really want to sleep with her, and it's killing me now that I know that she would have, when I agonised so much over it and then just decided not to bother because I was sure she'd say no. Things like that drive me crazy, and now I want to fuck her, and I want Dave to know and to let me, but he won't. I dont' even know how to ask him, how do you ask someone you love if you can fuck someone else? I know I did it with Tom, but I care about Dave so much more and this would hurt him. I'm stuck between hurting him and hurting me, and I dont' want to do either. I just want it all to be ok, and I just want one night. And Brooke is just a sexy little minx, and if I get a vibe from her while I'm there I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to control myself! If only I could have everything. Well not even, just this. Ever since the other night I just can't stop thinking about it, and it doesn't help it that this has been on my mind a lot lately. It's just itchy feet, things are going along swimmingly and it's all nice and boring and I just want something new and fun and exciting. Of course, I'm not saying that Dave is boring, not at all. Life itself is just boring, and I want something new, something fun, something I'm not supposed to do, something that will excite me. I want girl sex. Right now damnit. Crave crave crave. I seem to be able to control every single other feeling I have so that it doesn't affect day to day life (like anger, depression [to an extent - parentheses in parentheses, is that ok?], happiness, being-turned-on), but this, craving a girl and all that comes with it, I just can't push it from my mind. I hate to disappoint Dave, but this is one aspect of me that isn't going to change and can't go away. I need it. I just wish he wasn't so protective, so insecure that I'd leave him, so, well, he treats me like he owns me sometimes, and I hate it. The way he treats me at times it's like he sits there and goes "she's mine, and no one else will have her, and she will do what I say". Ugh.
I am quite lax on study this week. Oops. I've hardly done any. I might do some tonight, because I doubt once I finish this there'll be enough time before work to get anything substantial done. Sunday though, will be my study day, maybe. If Dave and I dont' do anything together in the afternoon. I started reading for my social psych assessment though. And now I need to plan to watch TV, which is going to be hard considering how many nights I have at work next week. I'll get everything done, and in good time too. That's just how I am these days.
Kitty is going psychotic more and more lately. I think he's getting bored of being inside all the time. There's a tiny little backyard area where I think we might take him out tonight. I don't like the idea of leaving him out there on his own because he won't ever be able to get back inside. We've got to get him cut soon, like really soon. I gave him big cat food today, out of the tin, because he likes the mushy stuff, and god it reeks. It smells so awful and potent! He ate it all really quickly though, so obviously he likes it!
My iTunes is all fucked up. Instead of going through my folders when it was wiped I just put it all on there, just so I had something to listen to straight away. So there is everything, including all the music Bek had loaded on to my computer while I was at home, and all the music I liked when I was like 15. The likes of Eminem (ew), Pussycat Dolls (double ew) and a whole heap of shitty, shitty, awful pop songs that I thought it was cool to like back when I was that age. I really need to just delete that shit off my computer as soon as I can! And I need to soon because my iPod is dying, so I don't want to connect it and sync it with all this shitty music. Maybe I'll do it on Sunday afternoon, or something. Or I'll just wall charge it.
My internet got connected on Wednesday, obviously, and thank god for that. Now I've got to play catch up with posting my project365 on photoblog. I've got a few photos to make up for the last two weeks.
9:43-10:30
[My dailybooth]