what a dizzy dancer
No one is immune to doubting, least of all I.
This is the part that sucks. Azaria is downstairs right now with Mark, because I couldn't put my foot down. I'd already agreed. I couldn't take it back. I wouldn't. I won't do to him what he did to me with Melissa. He didn't mean to. He wasn't ok with it. I just want time. I'm not selfish, I deserve this time. But I chose to open my relationship to get what I want, so I have to let him have what he wants too. I think the only reason I am so opposed to this, after I did agree to it and was fine with it, is because they are not having sex. Mark agreed to not, and I'm sure he won't break that. I don't want them sitting around talking or "getting to know each other" or hanging out in any way that isn't casual, because that means that they could get close, and that means that he could decide that he might want to try out just being with her. This means that I am not in complete control of the situation because this part is just not casual sex. Sure they might be making out, or dry humping or whatever, but it's not purely just to get off, it's to be with each other.
I think I am unintentionally emotionally beating myself up. I don't know why. I know that this is alright. I know that when I say that this means that Mark can't see her until next weekend he means it when he says ok. I know that he isn't going to leave me for her. I know that a couple of hours with her that doesn't include having sex won't be the end of our relationship. I know that when I go to sleep I will wake up with him next to me.
This is because I'm sick. I'm thinking more because I've been home all day and I've talked to her and I've talked to Melissa about this and ugh, just everything. It's just one of those moods.
Hm. Actually. I think I am ok now. For some reason The Dresden Dolls can do that. Now I just feel like dancing burlesque style.
I am so confused. One minute the world is ending, and the next minute everything is fine. Am I pretending that I'm not ok? Am I pretending that I am ok? Am I just too damn confused about how I'm feeling that I can switch from one to the other that quickly? I guess maybe I'll never know. My attitude is so fucked sometimes. Not in a bad way, just in a way that makes living really confusing at times. I don't even think I know what I'm talking about right now so I might just stop thinking about all this.
Mark is going to the movies tomorrow afternoon with his cousin. They're going to see Watchmen. Today I told Mark that when we go on our date soon we should go to a particular Chinese restaurant in town that I haven't been to in at least ten years. Mum used to take us there all the time. I thought it shut down and that's why we stopped going, but it's still there. Mark and I are five years come April. That's a long time, especially at this age. I don't think we're celebrating. We can't afford it. If we were two grown up people with real full time jobs and all that, we could go on a holiday, but we're not. I don't even think we'll go to dinner. We just can't afford it. Not with rego, and fixing his car, and my text books, and my rings, and rent and groceries and all that stuff. I wish we could go out to dinner, or go on a weekend holiday to some place nice. I wish we could do those things. One day we will. I said we'd postpone our five year anniversary and have it like in September or something so that we can afford to go away or have a good weekend some place. That would be really nice. Once I owe zero money to anyone I'm going to save up for something like that.