the end of that
I didn't think to tell Azaria not to have sex with Mark last night. In my opinion, thrush has always been too uncomfortable for sex, and from how she was carrying on about it on Thursday night I thought that no sex would be a given. I don't know how many times I told Mark that sex while both of them had thrush was a bad idea. I don't know how many times I'd told him that they'd make it worse, or just pass it back to each other again, or that it didn't matter that they had both started the treatment for it, or that it didn't matter if they used a condom. I don't know how many times I told him that having sex would just make it worse, and there was nothing they could do to get around that. I thought that she would be smart enough to realise that. I thought that he would listen to me.
I guess I was wrong.
He even agreed to not have sex with her. Right before I went to bed, when I was all "oh I don't know about this tonight" but didn't take it back because I couldn't do that to him, I asked him to not have sex, and he said that he wouldn't. I felt like he finally listened to me when I told him how much of a bad idea it would be. When I told him that I wanted him to get rid of thrush as soon as he could because I missed having sex with him. I was a little bit worried about what else they'd be doing, but I thought that making out and feeling each other up would be enough for tonight.
I am so sick of being wrong.
When I asked him this morning what they did, he said "you don't need to know". Um, yes, the whole point behind this open relationship is trust, and that means we tell each other everything that happens. I finally got it out of him. "We just had sex." No, it wasn't just sex, it was completely ignoring my whole day of telling him that thrush and sex don't mix. It was completely ignoring that last ten minutes where I said that I didn't know if she should be here tonight, but couldn't take it back because he'd already texted her telling her to come over. It was completely disregarding the part of our relationship where I told him that I missed having sex with him, and wouldn't until he was cleared up because I didn't want to get thrush again.
And then, he couldn't figure out exactly why I was hurt and pissed off. He sat in the bathroom the whole time I was in the shower and didn't say one thing to me, as if waiting for me to say something to him. It wasn't until I went in to brush my hair when he was in the shower that he started talking to me. I asked if I could read his texts. "Yea but there's only two in there." He deleted them. All of them. So I couldn't read them. Isn't that just wonderful. I guess he really is taking this "don't ask don't tell" thing seriously, even though we've always agreed to tell each other everything. If it suits him, he'll just delete all his text messages and have me think whatever I want. Usually what I think is worse than what's really happening, but I've been pretty spot on lately.
He comes in, and asks me if I'm just going to sit on my computer all day with the music blaring. Yea, that's pretty much what I had planned really. We yelled. He told me that he'd texted Azaria and told her that the sex was over, they wouldn't be doing it anymore. That doesn't make me happy right now. He still did it last night. He still ignored everything I said. He still had sex with her when I'd asked him not to, and he wasn't going to tell me. "What can I do to make this better?" I tell him there's probably nothing at the moment, because there isn't. I am hurt and I am angry and no amount of apologising or taking it back is going to make any difference. At the end of the day, he ignored what I said, and let his penis take charge. I guess it didn't matter that she had thrush, though he wouldn't fuck me when I had it. He said he was sorry. He should have thought about that before he went and fucked everything up, again. I told him he's gotta pull something huge out of his ass to make me happy right now, but in all honesty I don't think there is anything. Not right now. I'm going to need a whole lot of time and a whole lot of angry sounding music before I am even ready to talk to him again. And he'd better be prepared for me to yell at him at any given moment.
He said it was too much of a temptation. It's nice to know that he finds me sexually attractive isn't it. I told him if he wants to fuck her then he should just go do it. I've had enough of these little games. If he wants her he can fucking have her. And I hope they pass thrush back and forth between each other for the rest of their days. He won't though, he'll stay with me because I'm angry at him. He'll say he shouldn't have listened to me, and the next time this happens he won't. I love him, but I'm so sick of this. He obviously isn't ready for this open relationship thing, and it sucks because I'm going to have to go without having sex with the girls that I know (Melissa, and possibly Amy) just because he can't control his stupid penis. How long am I going to have to wait before he can do this properly? How long am I going to have to wait until he is mature enough to seperate sex and love and actually listen to the things that I say? How long do I have to go without before he can control himself?
I feel mildly better now. Abusing people over text messaging always helps calm me down. At least now I'm back in control of this situation, where I was always supposed to be.
Everyone can hold their "I told you so" comments until later when I'm not so pissed off, because if there was a way that I could reach through this computer and strangle everyone that said that, I would. And I wouldn't care either.
It's probably not right to take this out on Azaria, when obviously it is Mark's fault. But I know that hurting her will hurt him, and he won't be able to argue because he knows I have every right to be angry with both of them. Don't worry, I'm not growing a conscience now. I hope I fuck up her day at work though. I hope she tries to text Mark to tell her that I told her to fuck off, so that I can text her again and tell her that I told her I didn't want to hear from her again. Sure, I might be being petty with all of this, but it's what helps me. I don't even know if it is Mark's fault, or if it is Azaria's fault. I'll never know if he told her that I said that it was a bad idea. I won't know if he told her and she just jumped on him anyway. I won't know that, so while I don't know it's both of their faults. I didn't think I'd have to tell Azaria not to have sex anyway. I thought that she would just be too uncomfortable anyway. I thought that Mark would know from experience that sex on thrush is bad because all it does is make it worse. I didn't think I'd have to tell them 2418421984219 times, but obviously I should have. Somehow I don't think telling Azaria would have made a difference anyway. She would have fucked him anyway. She would have fucked him even if he had told her that I didn't want them to have sex. It obviously didn't make any difference to Mark's higher reasoning skills. If he even has any.
I think I might get drunk today. I'll raise my glass to another failed open relationship.