procrastinating
I seem to be lacking motivation today. Well not motivation. Focus maybe? I want to study, but I can't keep studying. I write a few notes, get bored and turn to Facebook, or MSN, or solataire, or iTunes to flick through songs. I know the solution to this problem would be to turn the computer off, but then I would have no music, and I need music. And what if someone signed onto MSN that I want to talk to? I can do more than one thing at once. I'm just having trouble with the whole continuing thing I think.
Today's choice of unit is social psychology. Chapter three: perception. So far I've done schemas and now I'm onto memory. I know most of this stuff already.
I went shopping today, for like an hour. Mum rang me and well, I couldn't say no. We steered clear of Target though, a feat in itself. I am sick of going shopping there, because we go and that's the only place we go to. I love little shops. We hardly ever go to them, so today we did. I bought a cute shirt and a little tiny hand bag for $5 each in one shop. There was these cute red shorts, but they didn't fit me, which made me really sad. They didn't have a bigger size either, so I was doubly bummed over that. There's a pair of Sketchers in there that I want that are $100. I wish I had $100. Or someone would spend that much on me. I was rather proud of myself for picking things up that were on sale, and wanted to keep looking in shops for more sale items, but Mum had to go look for school shirts for Jayden so that didn't happen. I bought the new Frankie magazine as well, which I haven't read yet.
I slept for 16 hours yesterday. I woke up at 7:30am this morning. Yesterday I slept from roughly 1pm to 5pm, 5:30pm to 7:30pm, and then went to bed at 9:30pm. I must have needed it. I must say I do feel rather better now. I couldn't believe I slept that long. I woke up the first time yesterday afternoon thinking "shit I slept for four hours!" I usually can't sleep during the day. Needless to say I was a bit messed up when eating dinner last night, sometimes thinking that it had to be morning time but knowing that it wasn't.
It looks like it might rain, and it's fairly hot. I want it to rain.
Mark wants me to apologise to Azaria. I guess in order for them to remain friends I should. She (and Rose) thinks that the reason I got mad at her was because she slept with Mark, but it's not, and I guess I should probably set that straight so that she knows exactly what went wrong. Just so she doesn't do it again. He asked me to text her yesterday, but I didn't, and I haven't yet either. I don't know what I should say. I didn't say anything mean to her when we fought, I just said it how it was. I don't know what I should say. Maybe that I'm fine with their friendship just as long as it doesn't infringe on my relationship. She thinks that I took this out on her when I should have taken it out on Mark, but I did take it out on Mark also. Dragging her right into the middle of it probably wasn't the best thing to do, but he wasn't listening, and I do know for a fact that she does initiate the text conversations a lot, contrary to what she said. Everything seems to be on eggshells lately with them. She's afraid to text him because she thinks that I'm going to abuse her about it. I sort of love having this power. It's horrible I know, but at least now people are paying attention to me.
I haven't thought much about the open relationship thing. It can work. I know it can. It just isn't, not with Azaria anyway. If I close the relationship off completely, does that mean that Mark won't let me see a girl if one comes along? What about when Melissa comes to town next? There can't be a double standard in this relationship. At least I'm not willing to set one. If I can do it than so can he. And that's not the problem really, I don't mind that he does it. I just mind when things don't go according to plan. Like when people tell the whole world, or when I'm assured that people are just friends when they're so clearly not. I don't know if we should go closed for a little while or not. I don't want to turn away any possibilities, but I just don't know.
When all that stuff was said about my relationship by Rose and Azaria I felt like I had to explain myself. Today I've decided that I won't. I don't need to. I am who I am and I do what I do, and they don't know the full story behind what upset me. I shouldn't have to explain myself to the world just because I don't fit into the normal category. People are always free to ask their questions and make their own assumptions. If they're wrong than they're wrong. If they don't want to bother asking I'm not going to bother explaining. But with this apology to Azaria I'm just going to say that the sex wasn't the problem. If she wants to know more she can ask. And then I will gladly tell her. I feel like explaining it now would mean that they wouldn't pay attention to it. It'd just be a waste of time.
I really, really need some sort of structure in relation to housework and cooking and studying and stuff. I am becoming more and more hopeless. I know that I should just do things, but somehow telling myself to just do things isn't enough. I could write out a list of things that need to be done everyday, but lists don't motivate me. I'm thinking I might limit internet usage. Maybe like for every hour of study I do I'll go check my Facebook. Maybe I'll just say that I won't chat on MSN for over an hour at a time. I don't know though. I've never really been that good with schedules, but now I'm not that good at just getting things done either. And I can't just disconnect the internet when I need to study because I use the internet to study. I think I might retry that idea about writing things down that I want to accomplish each day. I do have a big one day per page diary now. I'll make it work. It has to work. There are so many things I want to do!
I rang the real estate yesterday because I realised that our lease expired over two months ago! They didn't seem to mind. They said that we get put on a continual lease until we decide to renew or move out. Some random thing tipped me off that the lease should have expired already so I checked yesterday and it expired in early January. So some time this week we'll go to renew it for another six months. Funny how two nights ago I was considering moving out and what would happen if I moved back home. That's what arguments do to you though.
I don't really think I have much else to say. I just needed to blog so that I could study because I get weird like that.