relationship ideas
So the story goes that I went to bed at 9:30pm, and Mark "went out" after that, and all I'm supposed to know is that he didn't come to bed until 2am. That's what Azaria will think I think anyway. I really do know that Mark went there, and I really do know that Azaria finally admitted that she probably would have sex with him. I know that that's why Mark went around there, even though the likelihood of that happening wasn't high at all. I know that Mark did in fact come to bed at 2am, but he left before I went to bed. He got home around midnight too, so he says. I don't know, I was asleep. He told me when he came to bed that he fingered Azaria, and that was as far as she'd let him go. Then he came home and played WoW and crawled into bed at 2am.
But Mark tells me that Azaria is feeling guilty for no good reason and doesn't want me to know that he went there last night. So Mark texted me on my break today and said that the story is that I just went to bed, and he came to bed at 2am. Not that she's going to ask me what I think he was doing because that would mean she'd give away that he was doing something, and she thinks that I don't know, so she probably doesn't want me to know, but she doesn't know that I know already. For some reason she hasn't got it into her head yet that this is fine for us, this is what we do. I understand it can be a little weird though, doing sexual things with someone else's boyfriend. I don't get why she's the one feeling guilty though. I've told her that it'd be cool if anything happened, back when she was adamant that nothing would happen.
I think it's awesome, I really do. If there's any negative feelings at all it's just jealousy that I don't have someone to play around with. I want a girl dammit! Now Mark just has to convince her that it really is alright. I suggested that maybe it'd help her if she knew I knew and knew I was happy about it, but he said she mentioned that to her and she freaked out a little, so he told her I didn't know. I'm not going to say anything to her anyway.
This whole me telling a story thing unfolded right as I was texting Azaria while on my breaks at work and organising a friend date. We're possibly going to see He's Just Not That Into You tomorrow afternoon, because she was going to go with some other girls the other night and didn't end up going, and I didn't go because I had to work early and it was too late for me. So I asked her if she went, and she said no, and I said "hey cool let's go together" cause I'm not sure if Mark would come. At the time I asked her to come with me I didn't know that she felt guilty and was freaking out, and now that I do know that I'm hoping that this whole situation isn't going to be awkward. I told Mark he should come with us and he can like sit in between us two girls and it would be funny (but also mean) to see how awkward Azaria got. I wonder if she'll tell me about it, presuming that I don't know. Obviously she's not hiding from me, because she said she'd come with me.
This whole thing is just so funny to me. It was the same with Emma, but never this way with any of the girls I've been with. Maybe it's because straight sex is so much worse? Like it's not cheating if it's gay sex? Or something. Maybe all the girls I know are just really open to that sort of thing, whereas the girls Mark knows aren't. They're somewhat easy girls, but they're not slutty. Ok well Emma is a little slutty, but Azaria isn't really. Not that I'm saying that Melissa or Sarah or Amy were slutty, although Sarah was.
I think I'm a bit mentally weird. I mean, not many people get turned on by the thought of their partner fucking someone else, or even kissing someone else. Most people are the other way really. Not repulsed by it, but just insulted. I get excited. That can't be normal. But since when did I want to actually be normal? Normal is just a bad stereotype.
I remember one turning point in this whole open relationship thing. I had it planned out that that was what I wanted before that, and I'm pretty sure that the threesome with Emma happened before this happened too but I think in my mind, this made it concrete that I'd be happy if Mark was involved with someone else as well, sexually or romantically. There was a new girl at school, and Mark developed a bit of a crush. Anyway we were talking one day, not that we were friends but she was in one of my classes, and Mark was in a few of her classes, and I said something like "oh yea he wants to know if you'll make out with him" and she was shocked, obviously, because this was my boyfriend I was talking about. Like I was asking her to kiss my boyfriend, I was saying that my boyfriend was asking her to kiss him. I know that that can be weird. It's completely right for me though.
I wonder why that is. I don't come from a polyamorous/polygamous background. I'd never heard the term before I researched it because I "didn't fit" with anything else. My parents' relationship was non-existant, so isn't that supposed to make me not want to have my own relationships, not trust people easily. I am like that, well I used to be, but with friends, not with Mark, or any other boyfriend I've had. My romantic relationships have never mirrored my parents in that respect. My relationships have always been long and involved, with complete trust, even when I was younger. You'd think that my upbringing would lead me to not trust people, instead of trusting them completely, but some how everything that went wrong in that relationship has made me completely the opposite. I care too much, I tell people too much about myself, I give myself away completely. But at the same time with trust issues. I don't care about telling people the big things though. I made it known when I lost my virginity, and when I did other things that people would usually gossip about. I guess I just figured that they'd talk anyway. Maybe I told people because my relationship with them was better than it was with Mum. Now I trust with caution, but I'm still quick to divulge things that others normally wouldn't. And instead of being jaded by love like Mum, I'm completely open to it. I think Mum would be a little concerned if she knew, given the amount of times she was cheated on. It's just interesting that I'm here, open to multiple romantic and sexual relationships, coming from a background where my father constantly cheated on and left my mother. I guess that proves that the apple can fall far away from the tree. But I'm just backward like that most of the time.