this is what normal feels like
Valentine's day is so lovely. I'm sure I'd be saying the opposite if I were single, but oh well. I got a rose. Yes, a red rose, that was really nice and is sitting in my bedroom. I didn't really want a rose, but I hadn't really specified which flowers I wanted. I didn't think I was going to get flowers. I didn't really want them, but I'm not complaining now. It's just that we dont' really have a lot of money to splash around and I only bought him a card and we'd given each other a $20 limit. He hadn't planned to buy me a rose, it sort of just happened I hear. It was one of those "if there's a park out the front of the flower shop I'll go in" moments.
I planned out the morning for Mark as a gift he wouldn't forget. I only bought a card, but I didn't want to spend money. I told him I'd be his sex kitten for the morning, and set out all my sexy outfits for him to choose from so he could photograph me doing whatever he wanted me to do. Needless to say he loved it, and now I have a big mess of clothes to clean up in the bedroom. We had fun. I loved it, because I'm an exhibitionist. And I wanted photos for some reason. I love playing the model. In a way it was as much for me as it was for him. He said he felt like he'd bought me nothing when I'd given him this awesome thing, but I didn't spend any money, and it was for me as well. I wanted to have fun.
Sex is slowly making its way back up on the list of things I feel like doing occasionally. Today was awesome, because I planned it and knew it was going to happen, and doing things like dressing up turns me on. I'm thinking we'll start having sex more. Valentine's day is good, because it's just a reason for people to be nicer to each other and do special things. I didn't really want to celebrate it this year, because it's so cliched, and we've been together for ages now so it's not anything special. The idea of spending time with each other just because is nice, but the idea behind spending way too much on cards, flowers and chocolates is not. So we had a low key one, and I just gave him sex, because sex is special, and it's the height of love, when it is done in that context.
I can feel it that I'm getting better. That I'm getting somewhere. I haven't been down for a while, and it's easier for me to stay up, even when I'm bored, or alone. Last night I was alone, as Mark was at Daniel's, and I was fine. I didn't get bored, or restless, or lonely, or irritated, or anything. Before, being alone was an easy way to cut myself, or get drunk, or mope around. Last night I cleaned. Yes, I cleaned, and felt good about it, and had music playing and I was dancing around being happy. Days have been getting better, and nights easier, and things just better in general. My doctor mentioned reducing my anti-depressants when I was there the other day. I didn't tell her that I already have.
I think this is what normal feels like.
Some really big profound thing happened to me today. An online friend of mine that I met through Drena's group of Bebo wrote a Facebook note. It was that 25 Things note that's been doing the rounds lately. She wrote 25 things about herself that I didn't know. They were all positive. Just little things, like she wears too much make up and she sings at the top of her lungs and she loves to dance, but I didn't know any of them. I told her that I didn't know any of those things about her, and that I was glad that she could write them, and she told me that I didn't know them because I'd never asked. And it's true. I spent so much time talking to her concentrating on her depression and her horrible situation at home, that I don't really know her at all. I don't really know anyone that I talk to. I know all about the negatives, like I know that one girl gets beat alot, and that one girl wants to go back to her eating disorder, and that one guy wouldn't break up with his girlfriend because she was suicidal, and that one guy just can't get over the death of one of his friends, but I don't know the positive things about them. I don't know the little things that they do that make them each their own person. I don't know who sings really loudly, and who dances, and who loves scary movies, and who loves to read, and who does whatever. I want to know those things as well. I'm going to make more of an effort to find out those things as well.
Kayla is pregnant again. Which is totally just "ohmygod". Her little baby isn't even one yet. I guess I'm just freaked because I wouldn't do things like that. There's no way that I would get married or have kids this young, and Kayla is younger than I am. There's a few people doing it lately too. Michelle is only like 18 months older than Mark. Kayla is younger than I am. Andie is two years younger, and she's engaged and wants kids (last time we talked about it, which was a few months ago). Hannah is a year older than me and she's married already. I am definately on the other side of the fence when it comes to the whole getting married and having kids young thing. I would not be able to do it.
Melissa just stole my awesome idea for a Facebook status. Though, I did come up with it because she said she needed a new one. It is "is stuck in a tight little box called mainstream society and needs help getting out". I'll use it one day.