structure
I've come a long way. I know that. But I still feel as if I'm floating along with little direction and little motivation. I've always known where I had to leave, but I've not really got a place to actually go towards. I need direction. I need rules and structure and routine and all the things that I've implemented before and failed at. But I can do it now. I'm better. Stronger. Maybe it's a little too optimistic to say that now, but no one knows me better than I know myself, and I know that I'm past the worst of this. I know that I could do the whole "miracle recovery" thing and be better and make it seem as if I've been better since yesterday, since before anybody even knew that there was something wrong. And this time I will actually be better. I think yesterday was a sign of that. When there was that big technological fuck up I wasn't as worried about it as I should have been. I wasn't beating myself up over it because it looked like it was my fault. Even though it was money, and it was someone's money, and I knew that someone, and that money was lost for that moment, I just brushed it off, like it didn't matter. Of course it mattered, but it wasn't a big deal. Not to me. That was the test. And I think I'm past the worst now.
I thought briefly about rewriting my to-do list. I know that could be dangerous and back fire on me, but I really do feel as if I have direction. There are so many things I could be doing, yet I still waste my time away on the computer, or being bored. That was the problem before, and now the difference is that I'm happier while doing it, and on the odd occasion I do actually accomplish something. I have come a long way.
I've rethought the to-do list idea, because I know that I put huge things on there that I can't possibly accomplish in one go, or things that can only be done after something else is done, and my list ends up three pages long and way too scary to go near. So I've since decided that I need rules, or routine, or whatever. I know that that could backfire hugely on me too, but the point is to try to not restrict myself at all. Especially with uni coming up, I'm going to need some sort of routine, or else I won't study. I'll sit here and go oh I'll just study tomorrow/tonight/next week/on the weekend and it won't get done. Or I'll be like just let me write this blog/chat to xxx for another half hour/read the next chapter/watch another episode and nothing will get done. So I need rules, and sort of structure to the day. An outline, because I'd go crazy with a strict structure.
I just need something that says that I'll do x amount of hours of study a week, spend x amount of hours on the computer a week, and x amount of hours doing housework a week. Maybe that should be per day, the housework one. This place is a mess, and Mark doesn't help much. I've also got to incorporate him into this somehow, and limit his time on WoW and on the PS3 so that he can help me out with the huge amount of housework that just piles up. He is getting better though. We need structure that says that we'll wash up regularly and wash clothes regularly. At the moment I just feel like we're two kids living together, because we don't put in huge efforts to get the housework done, or anything done.
For the amount of studying I'm doing, I roughly have to do about 30 hours per week, ten per unit. That will be really hard with 25/28 hours of work each week, but I don't really want to think about study in terms of hours. I'll need to think of it in terms of having x amount of notes done by a certain time, or having read x number of pages, or whatever. That's why I bought the diary I've got now, so that I can write down things to do each day like read chapter 3 or read 20 pages or complete notes for chapter 5 or write rough draft of assessment. I can't really do that right now, not until I get my textbooks and all my course information so I know what I have to have done by when and what I have to read and all of that. But right now I think I'm going to start doing the same sort of thing with the housework and things I want to get done. I might not write it out though, because lists don't really seem to be a motivator for me.
So what do I want to get done today? I'm not sure yet. I'm going to try to stop putting things off so much. If I think of something that needs doing, I'll try to go and do it straight away. I know in the next half hour the washing machine is going to be finished. I was actually thinking of going to Mum's today, but I'm not sure what I'd do there.
Let's just hope that I can consciously keep myself motivated and like this.