why can't you just be happy?
So today my tiredness got out of control. Or should I say last night? I don't really know. I went to bed at about 8:30pm, which I only ever do when I have to start work at 4:30am. I didn't have to start work until 7:30am this morning, so my alarm was set for 6:30am. Mark's alarm was set for 5:30am, so he could start work at 6:30am. I remember waking up at 5:30am and hearing Mark get up, and then being awake when he left some time around 6:15am. But then, I woke up at 7:15am. Yes, 7:15am, fifteen minutes before I was supposed to start work. Cue the instant "oh shit" feeling, and then running around like a maniac trying to pack lunch, get dressed, do make up and hair, get the kitty breakfast and make sure I've got everything ready for work all at the same time. I managed pretty well, except I forgot my little hat hair piece and was still asleep, for most of the day. I signed on at 7:32am, which is still easily on time, but the clock at the service desk is fast, so to them I was five minutes late. And it was busy. And I got put on a register that had no money, was slow, and didn't print out receipts properly, so I moved on to another register. And then I got really hungry and shakey and asked for my morning tea and found out that I was having lunch early. And then the rest of the day passed without incident. I never fully woke up. I'm still not awake.
Imagine sleeping for eleven hours, and still not being awake. Since when do I even need that much sleep? I'd somehow turned my alarm off and thrown my phone in bed with me without consciously realising it. I did not wake up. I would know if I'd woken up. I always hear it. Even at 3am I hear it. I always wake up, even after five hours sleep. I have no idea why I didn't wake up today. Or how I managed to hit the right button and not wake up. I have never, ever done that before. It wasn't as if I was suffering from some big lack of sleep or anything like that, because I wasn't. I average my eight hours sleep a night, and I've found that on a good day, seven is the right number, but I don't have many good days. I want to know why the hell my body decided that this morning would be a great time to catch up on sleep that I'm obviously lacking from somewhere. Couldn't it have picked tomorrow, when I don't have to work until the afternoon. Or any other day up until next Thursday, when I work early next.
So that put my whole day off. I have been in such a slothy mood all day. Work was shit, I was slow, but most of the customers were nice. Of course I had to oversleep on my check out day. As if today couldn't have been any worse. And then it got worse when I got home. Mark wanted to have sex (this is after nearly falling asleep on the lounge and having a shower to make up for the one I missed this morning). I eventually told him that I wasn't in a good enough place to have sex. That it's too hard to concentrate on any one thing without being distracted by wayward thoughts that may or may not be good for me to be paying a attention to. That I'm really, unbearably tired today, which is a bad thing. That I don't have the mental capacity to enjoy sex at all today. That I'll get bored and it won't feel like anything good to me, that I'll just feel bad for pretending to enjoy it, and probably end up making up some excuse for him to stop, which he'd get even more annoyed about. I think he interpreted all that depression stuff as me not loving him, because he got really hurt. He goes "just think about me, just me" but it's not that easy. I'd like to say it is, but it's not. As much as I want to be happy and have some satisfaction and make him happy with the things that we should be doing together, I just can't do that today. There are too many things going around in my head and I just can't shut them up. So now Mark is annoyed at me, and I feel bad because I know I've hurt him. But even if I gave in now and just pretended to enjoy sex, it wouldn't make him happy because he'd know that he'd just guilted me into it. I don't enjoy sex when my mind isn't it in, and right now my mind isn't in any shape to be in anything.
Right now Mark is down stairs playing the PS3 because I get the impression that he'd rather not have me around right now. He's going out to the club tonight, I'm not quite sure why because he starts work at 6:30am again tomorrow. I think he's going because Daniel is going, because Daniel has tomorrow and the weekend off. He's agreed to go and buy me McDonalds for dinner, so he mustn't be as pissed off at me as I think he is. I think we're both just tired. He's had a hard week. He's not used to starting so early! He starts his holidays on Saturday, which will be good. We both need a break.
Work yesterday was good. I don't remember much of it at all really, so nothing too exciting happened. I know I cleaned out the drawer and cleaned a bay of cigarettes because Joe has gone from highly motivated to anal retentive. Nah he's not that bad, and it's Katie too. It's everyone I'm pretty sure. And apparently the refit has been pushed back to July, so it's not in eight weeks now. It was supposed to happen last August. I'm not sure if it's ever going to happen. Then we went grocery shopping, and we bought a lot and spent more money than we usually do but I think we bought some good stuff. No cleaning stuff though, and only things that we need. We do have a lot of food in the house, and we are going to cut back on spending, except for tonight when I feel like McDonalds for dinner because I've had a shit day. Then I made Mark take me over town so I could get some photos of the festival, but because it was late (like 6pm) and it looked like it was going to rain, nothing was happening at all, so I got a little disappointed and then decided to go over on Saturday instead. Then I crashed at like 8:30pm because I was mega tired and had a headache. Oh, and I sliced my finger with a knife while cutting pumpkin for dinner, right after I'd said "these knifes aren't that sharp, I've hit myself heaps and not cut myself". And it bled like a bitch too.
Tuesday was, full. Work sucked, for the four hours that I was there. Though it was the first day dressed up, which was fun, and Gabby made me the cute little hat hair piece, which everyone commented on. I wore different shoes to work, and then had to walk over town with them. Bad idea. I got blisters, and they were uncomfortable. I knew that, I've always known that. That's why I don't wear them to work, because they hurt. It's amazing what you can block out though, because I didn't feel the pain that should have told me that I was bleeding until I sat down in the waiting room.
The session with Eden was very good, as far as sessions go I suppose. It was a hard one, and a sad one. It was my last one with her, because she's gotten a job somewhere else or doing something else or whatever, I'm not quite sure. She said I had the choice of being referred to someone else there, or looking around at other places for someone else, or stopping the sessions all together. She said we were at session six, but I'm sure I've nearly had ten. But if she says I've had six than that's what I'm going with, because I'm pretty sure I get twelve for free, and then that's it. Although she did mention that I could get another referral is necessary from my doctor, and that would give me another twelve appointments. I'm going to miss Eden. She said that out of the psychologists there, she was the most out one there, she was the most directive. Which was really good for me because that's what I needed. She read me and knew me and saw right through when I was trying to hide things. Will anyone else do that? Will anyone else pull me up when I'm lying? I don't want Eden to go, but I know she has to.
Mostly we talked about the Friday that I got drunk, and what I was thinking about and why it was still hurting me. We did some digging on that, to figure out where I was at. I think it's just too close to it now. And because I still have to face that shit with Mark's family every time I see them. There's been no break from them, like there always has been with everyone else after I've fought with them. I think the reason that this hurts so much, compared to everything else, is because this was a personal attack. Like when Sarah said I was a bitch, I knew I wasn't. I knew a lot of things went wrong and that no one person was to blame, like it was a joint effort kind of thing, or maybe more of a joint lack of effort. When Mark's family attacked me, they went straight to the point. I fucked everything up because I was bisexual, and that's something that is right. I know I'm not a bitch, or a whore, or any of those, but bisexual, yes I definately am that, and it shouldn't have made one difference, but it did. And that's why it hurts, because there's this something in me that they hate, and there's nothing I can do about it, and for as long as I know them they could hate me for it. It's something that I can't change, that I wouldn't even if I could.
And then, after talking about Mark's family and why it hurt me, we got talking about my core beliefs about myself and the stories that they're telling me. I said something like "I just felt like it was all my fault, if I didn't invite Sarah down, then I wouldn't have caused all the trouble, and no one would have ended up hating me, because in the end everybody did, it was me against all of them, including Mark", and she went "that's all you honey, none of that is how it is". And it's true, it wasn't all my fault. I just have to believe that. My core belief is that I'm not good enough, that I wasn't good enough to be Mark's boyfriend, or Sarah's girlfriend, or even friend. That I wasn't good enough and didn't deserve to have something work out for me the way I wanted it to. That I deserved what happened, to have everyone hate me. That's still my core belief. That I am not good enough. Eden told me to sit with it for a little while. Admit to it, instead of just trying to deny it. Just sit there and go "well ok, maybe I'm not good enough" and think like that, until I realise that I am good enough, because I already have so much. I've got to realise how stupid it all is, because really, I am good enough. I'm good enough for Mark. Good enough for my friends, whether they know me in real life or online. Good enough for my family, even though I may disappoint them sometimes. Good enough for my job. Good enough at the things I do. Good enough in how I look. Good enough to study what I do. Good enough to reach the dreams that I want.
We found another core belief in there too, which should be something that I should have picked up on ages ago. When we were talking about how I viewed the future and how much I thought about it (and she was very pleased that I seem to be a here and now person in terms of thinking and worrying) and I said "well for one, that person [the one that I picture when I think about the future] isn't screwed up", which made for her writing down on her note pad and going "interesting". Screwed up. She asked me if I thought I was the only screwed up one, and I said that I think everyone is a little screwed up, and then she asked me if I really believed that. Then she asked me if I thought Mark was screwed up, and I said no. Because I don't. He's not. Then I started talking about how I know so many people (mostly online) who are depressed and have issues and have horrible pasts and stuff, and how I know that they're screwed up in their own way, but it's ok for them, for whatever their reasons are, but it's not ok for me. Which, I realise now is absolutely pathetic. It should be, it is, just as ok for me. And I have to start thinking like that.
We talked about putting my issues onto someone else, and reacting accordingly with that other person. I said that when I talk to people who have their own issues, I tell them that it's not their fault, that it'll be ok, that they need to believe in themselves, that they're not bad people. She told me to imagine someone telling me their problems, and that those problems were my problems, just coming from someone else, and she asked me what I'd say to them. Of course I'd say the same things as I say to everyone else I talk to, so why can't I say it to myself? She said to imagine the things that I had gone through, but imagine that a child had gone through them. I wouldn't, couldn't tell a child that it was her fault, not like I tell myself that it's my fault. You wouldn't tell a child that he or she wasn't good enough, you couldn't. So why is it so easy for me to believe that I"m not good enough? Who told me that I wasn't good enough? I did, but someone should have made me believe otherwise. But they didn't, so now I'm here, at age 20, trying to pick up the pieces of a broken child so that that broken child can become a healed adult.
She said she's seen a lot of improvement from me, in a short amount of time. And she's very pleased with that. She said I'm very intelligent, and very perceptive, and that I know more things about myself than most people know about themselves. She said that she's amazed at how far I've come, and how vulnerable I've made myself by admitting my core beliefs, not only just to my consciousness, but to the world. She said that some people never do this, and I know that. I know it's hard. It's been hard for me, and I don't know if many other people could do it. She loves how I can go from one superficial layer, straight down to knowing the reason that that layer came about. I'd like to think that I made an impression on Eden, career wise. I know Eden has made an impression on me.
We talked about relaxation techniques, and meditation, to stop the flow of thoughts and give me a break. And also so that I can see what my mind is throwing at me and identify them as thoughts that I do or do not want to keep. I have since tried some meditation, which is just concentrating really hard on one thing, because the mind actually can't do two things at once. I tried in the shower, sitting there concentrating on the feel of the water on my skin. It worked, I can do it, but only for a few minutes before I get distracted. It's hard. She said breathing was another good thing to concentrate on, because it's so obvious, and she was impressed that I knew how to breathe properly (through the stomach first). I realised that I've been doing that sort of thing for a while, without actually knowing that I was doing it. I used to lie in bed after a bad day and lie flat on my back and try to imagine feeling my breath going all the way through me, until my fingers and toes tingled because I hadn't moved them in so long. So I'm really going to try to do that, because I think it will be good for me. Especially being able to control how I think, and know when I'm thinking something bad.
I chose to be referred to another psychologist there. I'm not sure how many there are there, but I guess there'd be a few. I'm a little worried now. I feel like now that I've seen someone who I can really relate to, I might not find someone that I'm as comfortable with. But I guess I'm optimistic. I've always been good with relating to anybody, so maybe what I need now is someone who has a different take on things than I do, just so that I can compare. Who knows what will happen. There's only one way to find out, and that's to take the jump. She said that the recption girls will give me a ring when I can fit in with someone next, after Eden has recommended someone for me. I also have to make an appointment with my doctor, because Eden will be writing a six sessionly report with how I'm doing and what her recommendations for me are.
I honestly don't know if I will or will not need another twelve sessions. How far can I go with someone? How far will I go on my own? I know that if I try it and don't make it I can go back, but I've always preferred to do things on my own. Now I have some guidance, and it's guidance and I appreciate so much. I always thought I was quite knowledgable and wise and all that when it came to knowing myself and being happy and all that depression stuff, but I guess I've still got a lot to learn. I've got a lot to think about in the next few weeks before I get another appointment. I'll be concentrating on the meditation and relaxing stuff, as well as sitting with the "I'm not good enough" thing and trying to disprove it. And I'm not going to test anyone, because that always backfires. Like, always.
I thought about adding Eden to my Facebook. I know that she has one, and I've found her. She's got a private page, but I know it's her profile. I'm just not sure if she'd accept though. I mean, professionally, is that too close? If we were just two random people in the world, would we get along? Does she add clients to her personal life, or is that just not what she does. I decided not to, but I might, seeing as she's leaving. That way she'll know how I'm going, and I really enjoy talking to her. She probably won't want me buzzing her ear (eyes) off all the time if I keep in touch with her though. And I don't want her to feel obligated to accept my friend request because I'm guessing it's probably not what she does.
I think that's all I have to talk about tonight. It's been a very boring last two days, and an up and down week. I've got work tomorrow afternoon, and then Mark is on holidays for nearly two weeks (including both weekends), and I don't work for six days. We're planning a big one for Saturday night, with predrinks at our place and everything. I'll be asking Ally to come over (if you don't get a text before you read this, consider this your official invite), and Azaria is the only other girl who will be coming, because apparently the other girls all have plans. Mark gave Azaria my number so we were texting each other for a while. I was thinking of asking Gabby to come over, but she has her own friends, and I don't really know any of them. She's going out though, so I'll see her out. I just can't wait until this week is over. I'm seriously considering going to bed soon, because there is obviously something screwed up about my sleeping patterns.