sorting out the crap - part four
I don't know where to start again with this. Chronological order doesn't sound logical right now. I could do in order of importance, but I know that I'd forget the old ones. Do I even need to go through them? I don't know. Where do I draw the line? I talked about Lyrah and falling out when we were fifteen, which was five years ago. Is that a good enough line? I don't really care about what happened longer than five years ago. Sure I still had fights then, but they don't matter to me anymore. I'm not cut up about what some girl tried to do to me when I was thirteen and fourteen. I am over that shit. I really am. After it all went down and everyone realised what sort of person she was, I was in the right, like I had always been. All of a sudden I wasn't the screwed up one for hating her, she was the screwed up one for lying compulsively and trying to take everything that I had. Suddenly that guy was an asshole for not staying with me and going off with her, even though he never really did. That was seven years ago. I know I'm definately not hurting over that anymore.
Chronological order means starting in 2004, which was year ten. I fell out with Lyrah in year ten, which I've already talked about. I don't think I fell out with anyone in year eleven. If I did it wasn't major, but maybe Ally will be able to remember something that I can't. Year twelve was a big year, in terms of JD and all that shit. Also I remember that I lost a friend because of my sexuality. I can't put myself in her place either. No matter how much I think that there's got to be some reason that she couldn't handle it, I just can't think of it. Maybe it's because I'm tolerant. Maybe it's because I'm the subject of it all that I can't see what someone else would dislike about it, because I've always been fine with it. I just know that if that bothered her, she obviously wasn't a good friend. None of it changes who I am, it's who I've always been.
So I guess now onto the JD bullshit. Ok, quick recap (is it possible for me to do one of those?); JD and I have history, we dated in like 2002 (which is actually quite irrelevant to this story) and after that we were really close friends. In the senior years of school JD because friends with A and C (I'm using initials because there's no point making up names for people that I'll probably never talk about again), well he was friends with them before but he became closer to them, and A and C and I fought in like 2001 and they didn't like me too much. JD was dating Church Girl and Church Girl was my friend. There was a new girl at school, S, who was befriended by A and C. A and C forced S to do the deb ball, and made JD partner her. JD fell for S and was an ass to Church Girl, who asked me to find out if he was cheating on her. Long story short, everything went to pieces. I said a lot of bad things about JD, which most people disagreed with for some reason. He really was a lying, cheating bastard. Then JD started harassing me and wouldn't stop saying shit to me through text messages, so I punched him at school, which meant that JD, A and C started their counter attack on me and faked a racist text message about S, which made everyone hate me more because they all thought I was racist (and S was actually my friend, she was quite cool). I think that's it. A quick recap is the biggest part of this blog so far. And I actually did leave a lot out there.
So, take myself out of the situation. I know I said a lot of things I shouldn't, and I understand why it all went from one thing to another. I should have stayed out of it, but there's no use for all this now. Not once was I rude or hurtful to S, but I can understand how she must have been convinced that I didn't like her. I did tell her that I said none of what they said I said, and that I would never say those things, purely because I didn't believe them. I'm not that sort of person, and if I have something to say to someone, I'm not going to text it to them at all, I'm going to say it. I don't understand why JD was so hostile about the situation. I did accuse him, but he did do what I accused him of. He may not have cheated, but it was damn near close enough. I understand falling out of love with someone and in love with someone else, it's just how things go. My problem was just how he made the transition from dating one to dating the other. Actually, I dont' really know what my problem was, just that he was being an asshole. And maybe because he didn't need to be such an asshole to me. He took what I said about Church Girl the complete wrong way, and I had no idea why. I guess now thinking about it I can see why, because I've taken so many things the wrong way. Maybe he really was cheating and was worried about being caught out. Maybe he thought I'd teamed up with Church Girl to secretly destroy him or something. Maybe he was just paranoid. Maybe, in some odd way, he really was convinced that I didn't like S. Maybe he was just paranoid. Maybe A and C convinced him that I was against him.
I know I shouldn't have punched him. That was a bad idea. I just added fuel to the fire, and then it all went downhill from there. I did it because he shouldn't have been saying that stuff to me if he didn't have the guts to say it to my face. Can I understand what he was thinking? He was just as angry as I was. If I'd been in his situation. well I don't know how it would have played out. Well I wouldn't have said what he said to me, or maybe I would have, but I would have had the guts to say it to his face instead of hiding behind a text message. Things just so out of hand. I don't even know why I'm writing about this, because I know this isn't the big issue here. I can't understand why he did what he did, but then again I don't know why I did what I did either. We both fucked up, and that's all there is to it. And now we're over it. Or at least I am over it. I know that much. I'm so sick of highschool drama.
So I guess all that's left is to cover the huge topic of Sarah, Mark's parents, Amy and Emily and a few others that don't have names yet. I'm not even going to do a quick recap for this one, because a quick recap would be way too long. And I've written enough about what happened. Now we're covering the why.
I honestly can understand how Sarah would have felt. The only difference is that she blamed this whole thing on me, and I blamed the people who actually did things wrong at their respective times. I know that Sarah would have felt so lost. She came down, and we thought everything was fine, and then Mark's parents kicked her out and she had no where to go, and it looked like I didn't care because Mark and I were fighting over it because I stuck up for Sarah. I would have been pissed off too, but not pissed off at the one who was standing up for her. I can understand D getting frustrated with me because it seemed like I was just turning my back on Sarah and dumping him with all the shit, which wasn't how it was at all.
I think Sarah and I were quite alike. Not in the sense that we liked the same things, even though we did. But I think we were similar mentally. We both had our little issues, which turned into big issues. We both dealt with the situation the same way, which wasn't a good thing. We both got angry and upset and didn't talk to each other and just let each other come up with their own ideas. Which was for both of us, that the other didn't want anything to do with me/her. I think her little voice is the same as mine, the "I'm not good enough" one. We both tried, and we tried harder for each other when things got rough with us. We both retreated and pulled away and blamed ourselves. I got that from what she did say to me about it. Deep down for both of us I'm sure it was the "I'm not good enough, she doesn't like me enough to hang around" voice that was terrorising us. I was thinking that because she abandoned me at the pub for some boy twice. She might have had that idea because maybe it seemed to her that I picked Mark over her because we fought and made up, and I spent more time with him and whatever.
It's really hard for me to write this. I'm just not in the mood today, but at the same time I am. I'm taking all day, saving it as a private entry when I need my breaks. I'm getting through it by rereading Twilight. I'm so unbelievably tired today, and just so irritable. I've been rude to Dirk just because I don't have the capacity to be understanding today. Today is just a lazy day. Yesterday I was so energetic. I really hope I can finish this now, or else I'm thinking that I might start to lose it for the day. And not to mention that Mark's keyboard drives me crazy, but I have no internet on my computer because a mouse or something chewed through the phone line.
I'm pretty much ok with what happened with Sarah. I mean, the whole thing was a lost cause to begin with really. We were great while we got along, but once the shit hit the fan that was it. I know that if the situation was reversed I probably would have said and done what she did, and she would have reacted the way I did. I'm ok with all that now. What I'm not ok with is how Mark's family reacted to the whole thing.
I don't get how Mark's family went from liking me to hating me so quickly. So what if I'm bisexual and they're Christian? Stupid prejudices like that shouldn't matter when the someone in question has been a part of the family for over two years. They knew who I was, and the simple matter of who I was attracted to didn't change any of it. And so what, I invited a girl down. They said she could stay, and when they changed their minds it was too late, she was already coming. They didn't have to kick her out. What sort of person does that? She wasn't hurting anyone by being there. She wasn't some sort of criminal or anything like that. She was just a girl. If Mark had stood up for her they would have realised that she was with him too, not just there for me.
Ok so I think it's pretty obvious that this is a topic that still hurts me. I guess it's because I have to live with this now every day because even though the situation is changed, all those things were still said. I don't forgive people, because for whatever reason, everything they said at a particular time was everything they meant, and they did mean it, and saying sorry just doesn't take it back. I don't know how to forgive people. All I know how to do is not care. That doesn't really solve anything. But does anything solve anything?
I just don't really know what happened there. One minute I was me, and then the next I was some horrible person, almost as if I had a disease.