negative inspiration
Apathy and indecision are the two worst moods ever. Worse than irritation, or depression, or anger. At least with those there is a direction. At the moment I don't care about anything, and I can't decide what I want to do. It's frustrating, because I want to do something, but I'm not motivated enough and I don't care enough about anything at the moment to do it. So it ends up with me playing endless solataire and wondering around the flat every ten minutes. I also can't decide how I feel, except for being apathetic and indecisive.
I'm feeling better today. I slept for ten hours, which is way unusual for me lately. I'm only feeling better by a little margin though. I cough still, and today I'm tired (more so than usual) but everything else is alright I guess. Mark is still heaps out of it. He has the man cold, which is the same of a normal cold, just ten times worse because he has a penis. So him and I get the same bug, and I'm out for three hours and he's out for a week. I just get on with things, he wants to sit and complain forever.
It's quite hot today. I wish it would rain already. It's looking nasty outside, but so far nothing has fell from the sky. Today would be a good day to go and stand in the rain just for the hell of it. I want to sit on the balcony and watch the rain come down and smell it and read or just watch. I want to get out of this house and go for a walk and feel the wind that I can see going through the leaves. Mark won't come with me, he won't even come up to the supermarket to buy some milk. Maybe I'll just go on my own. Maybe I'll just start walking and see where I end up. Maybe I'll go sit in the park, and hopefully not get approached by freaky guys like what happened last time I went to the park just to sit. Maybe I'll just take my iPod and go for a while. That would be nice. Maybe I'll get caught in the rain and cool down. I think my mood needs cooling down a little. I feel like I just need a time out or something, but I don't know why.
Things feel very weird for me today. Melissa has talked to me. Ally told me that she's in Queensland for some festival for at least a week. I slept too long. I've played with the cat for most of the day. Time seems to be going fast but isn't going at all. It should be later than it is. I can't decide who I am today. I can't decide what I want. I talked to girls on Facebook and MSN all morning trying to tell them that life was worth living. Well, only two of the girls needed to be told that. I think the other one I talk to is doing much better lately. I'm going to write an entry about them soon. I had a thought today, and at the moment I don't have much incentive to put it onto paper.
I feel like I need to redefine myself. Or actually, just define myself would do. Life is about creating yourself, not finding yourself, but what if I'm not feeling particularly creative today? Or any other day? What if I write the basics in pen and then decide I don't like them? Then I'll just have scribbled out crap underneath so I won't look all nice and neat and presentable.
Today I told Melissa that I was on anti-depressants (we were talking about drinking). She asked why, so I told her I was screwed up. She told me I wasn't screwed up. Like she'd know, she who ignored me for like a year straight. For someone who credits herself on knowing how others feel she certainly missed something big. Maybe it's just because since I've started talking to her again I've been alright. This little "you're not screwed up" comment got to me. I remember once talking to Eden and her mentioning that even though I'm all scared and nervous and anxious inside, I still come off as confident and sure, and so whenever I mention to anyone that I'm just a little bit screwed up they don't believe me because I never seem like that. And that that ultimately makes me feel worse because people don't believe me, they won't believe me, they won't take a minute to look and see what's really there. I want to scream back "hell yes I'm screwed up, are you inside of my head? how do you know?" but it wouldn't help. I'm feeling particularly screwed up today. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just one of those things I need to let out a little bit more so that people can get to know me.