being sick sucks
I get sick in the weirdest ways. I think I've got a cold. Whatever, I've got a sore throat and a cough and a sometimes runny nose. And an hour ago I felt like vomiting. I think I have a mix of what Mark and Bub have, Mark having the sore throat and Bub having the vomiting. When I get sick I get weird. Just today I've been happy, completely zonked out, half asleep, crazy motivated, energetic for no reason and very indecisive. And now I'm optimistic because I randomly just started feeling better, just after I told Melissa I wasn't heading out tonight. Now I really want to go, but I'm not sure I can convince Mark. He's sick as well. And I can't get on to Ally, because she never has any phone service at her place.
We rearranged the lounge room today. That was my idea oh a whim when I felt like passing out. For some strange reason I pushed it, even though I had to sit and rest every ten minutes. I didn't take pictures because I was too busy falling asleep on the floor while Mark was cooking dinner. The room looks like it has a lot more space now, and all the stuff we don't use is more organised, so we do actually have more space. It's also more decorative as well, kind of. I'm planning on decorating when I feel better, like wine glasses in the cabinet so they're on display type of thing. I woke up with the idea already in my head this morning, but we've had a weird day because I got up at 6am and woke Mark up early so we could go shopping and then we did nothing and then Mark had a nap and we've been a little out of it with this cold/flu/whatever the hell it is.
Mr Tibbles (which is the kitten, by the way) is doing well. He's not so scared any more, and he actually likes me now. He'll play with me and let me hold him without hissing at me. He's a curious little cat, and I think it freaked him out a bit that we rearranged. He's eating now. We tried to give him some tuna last night but I think he was too scared to eat. We bought some cat food this morning, as well as some kitty litter and some toys. It's pretty cool having a pet. I never thought I'd say that about a cat. At home we've always had cats, for as long as I can remember. They've never been anything special, because they've always been outside cats, cats that come and go as they please and don't like much human interaction. We probably had inside cats before Jayden was born, but I don't really remember back that far. I'm also allergic to some cats. It must just be the fluffy ones, because I've never been that bad around the cats at home, and they've all be sleek. Two of my aunts had cats that I was allergic to. I remember them well, they looked exactly the same and I could never go near them. So far in just over a day I haven't had any signs of a reaction, no runny nose, no itchy eyes, no redness. It's all been good.
Andie and Steven got engaged. Steven had it as his Facebook status last night, and I was like "are you fucking serious? like ohmygodyou'vegottobeshittingme?!" They've been dating a while, though I couldn't say how long. I've never really noticed them as a couple, because I never see them together. They don't go out together, but since Andie hooked up with Steven they don't go out much at all. Andie is 19, and Steven is like 24, and a lot of Steven's family is older and married and have kids and all that, so Andie has settled down heaps. They've just bought a house together too. I'd say that that is a big move, but Andie bought a house with her last boyfriend. It's exciting news I suppose, but some how I don't think many of us work kids will be invited to the wedding. Andie has changed a fair bit since being with Steven, and she's still our friend, but it's kind of just her and Steven now. Nothing much different really, because before it was her and Hannah, but now even they do hardly anything together.
There are two types of people at this age; those that are settling down, and those that aren't. It's as simple as that. Andie and Steven are engaged. Melissa settled down at this age. Charlotte is trying to find a full time job. Kayla had a baby. A few other girls I know have had babies as well. Michelle got pregnant and got married. Michael doesn't seem to be doing much at all except working. Andie bought a house with Steven. Kayla is renting her own place. Emma moved out with her alleged fiance. Lexi has two kids and is moving again, and is pregnant again (which is exciting!). Precious has moved towns and is looking for a clean slate (a.k.a. a chance to actually be liked and not be a slut). And then there's the other half. I'm working part time and studying at uni, while still trying to party a little. Mark works at Big W, which is hardly a proper job, well hardly the one he wants anyway. Ally is at uni for the next four hundred years or something. Though, I am as well so like I can talk. Gabby is moving to London for two years just for the hell of it. The rest of the girls at work who are just working with no real direction. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't really want to settle down. I feel like it's a poke in the gut or something. "Hey so-and-so are buying a house/getting married/getting real jobs/planning a family, so why aren't you? You should be you know, you've got to do these things while you're young." What happened to partying and fun and just being our young teenage/twenty-something selves? Why can't we wait until we hit 25 at least until we settle down. Why are more people have kids at 18? I don't get that. Sometimes I can hardly take care of myself, let alone another someone. I'm having trouble with a kitten that we've only had for 24 hours! Mum said once that Mark and I should get married, just for the hell of it. It's not like it's a problem these days, "divorce is so easy". That's seriously what she said, which worried me a bit because she's never even been married.
I don't really have a future plan. All I know is that I'm going to finish uni. I don't really want to live here for the rest of my life. Maybe a day will come where I don't want to be with Mark anymore. Maybe Mark won't want to be with me. Maybe we'll go our seperate ways. Maybe my ambition will change and I'll become something other than what I want now. Maybe some big tragedy will happen and change the course of our lives forever. All I know is that I'm young, and I have a right to enjoy this time. Even though I'm screwed up and depressed and all that, I can still have fun with friends when I want to, and I want to now. I don't want to be a bitter adult who resents themselves because they were boring. I want to go out and see the world. I'll never have more fun than what I'm having now, or whatever. There's time for settling down and having kids, and for me, that time is not now. Mark and I have been together for nearly five years now, but that doesn't mean we'll be together forever. No one can know what will happen. Maybe we will be sitting in a nursing home together at age ninety trying to remember who we were. Maybe not. Who knows? No one, so I'm not going to waste time getting into committments that I don't want, like marriage and mortgages and debts. I think some of the people I went to school with think I'm a loser for still working on the check outs, that I don't have any direction like they have, but I think the people with nine to five jobs are losers. I don't want to be a complete adult yet, I still want to be able to do my teenage things. I still want to party and have fun. Age is only a number, we don't have to act it if we don't feel it. I've had a shit few years, so I want to have a good few before I knuckle in for the hard yards.
That kind of went off on a tangent. Suddenly I'm not talking about my day anymore.
Adam was supposed to come into town and spend the day hanging around and then we were going out. Then I woke up sick this morning and felt horrible. Then he texted me saying his car has a fuel leak so if he comes in, will it be alright if he stayed until Monday. That was it for me. I couldn't have him here until Monday. That would just be weird. We're close, but after like a year of not seeing him, I can't invite him into the house I rent with my boyfriend that he's met once the day before, for three days, just because we had plans that I wasn't going to keep anyway. I was kind of relieved, because I didn't want to be the one to cancel plans. I think he may have been a little offended, but I really am sick, and really in no place for company for three days. And he can't sleep on the floor for three days, and eat food that we don't have. It would have just been awkward. He started a text conversation with me after that, and it got on to the subject of him coming up next time, and why I don't go down there. I can't afford to go down there, but he offered to pay for my train ticket. I'm not going any time soon though. I don't know why, but I just don't want to. I guess I'll see him in another year or two, and that doesn't really bother me.
I'm not so bummed out about the whole not going out tonight thing now. I really wanted to go out this weekend, simply because Mark went out last weekend without me. And Ally is home, and I haven't seen her for a while because it's been Christmas and things have been hectic. I also haven't seen Charlotte since my birthday, and I wanted to see her. Then it turned out that Melissa was coming home and she'd be out, and she wanted to see me or was hoping to see me, whatever that means, and then I really wanted to go out just to see her, even though I'd probably only see her for half an hour at most anyway because she'd be seeing so many other people. Mark decided a while ago that he wasn't going out tonight because he didn't even feel like going to work yesterday and I didn't let him sleep long this morning. Up until I felt like vomiting like two hours ago I was still planning on heading out. I'd texted Ally to see if she'd come, but then I felt bad because I knew I was asking her to go just so that I would have someone to go with just so I could see Melissa. I did it once before, without realising it. There was one weekend that Melissa was supposed to be home, and it was also a weekend that Ally was home and we went out and I found myself searching for her until I realised that Ally must have noticed that I really wasn't paying attention to her and then I felt so bad and mentally slapped myself back into having a good time with Ally because that was the whole point. I don't want to use Ally. If I go out with Ally I want to spend time with Ally because time with Ally is limited. I'd feel bad for ages if she came out with me just because I wanted someone to go with so I didn't look like a loser, so I could see someone else who probably wouldn't pay much attention to me anyway. So I guess I feel bad for passing up a chance to see Melissa, but very relieved that Ally didn't message back and say she'd come out with me. I'm sure she's going to read this and think I'm crazy.
Melissa is down for a little over a week anyway. I guess I'm at the point where if I see her then I see her. If I don't, well it wasn't like the sex was a given anyway. She said she wants to see me, and I'm yet to figure out exactly what that means. What does it mean, when someone disappears for a year, and then starts talking to you a week before she comes back, telling you that she actually hopes to see you? My guess is sex, because I get the feeling that if we were good at being friends, we would have kept in touch all year. Though, that wasn't for lack of trying on my behalf. If she really does want to see me she'll make time for me. If she really wants sex, the sex will happen. I want the sex, but there's no point pushing the point if she doesn't want it. Then nothing is going to happen. I am planning on being a bit more out there if anything does happen. I'm kind of over being shy. It didn't work last time. I'm feeling much better now, after feeling like throwing up only two hours ago, so chances are I'll be feeling better tomorrow, and fine by Tuesday (I work on Monday). And I'm definately planning on going out for New Years, as is she, and even though last New Years was a disaster, I'm hopeful for this one. Hopeful for the whole year, actually.
I think it's just about bed time for me. I'm seriously going to metaphorically murder someone if I'm still feeling like shit tomorrow.