my paper heart
I'm so unsettled. Mark is at poker and there is nothing I want to do. There are things I could do, but nothing I feel like doing. And I want to stay awake for as long as possible because I don't want to wake up at 5am again. I just watched an episode of Smallville, but I'm not interested enough at the moment to watch another one. I was thinking of reading, but lately I've been reading before I go to sleep, so in about half an hour I'd want to be going to sleep. So I thought I'd write, because I don't particularly feel like, but there are things that I could be doing that I feel like doing less.
And I promised Eden I'd think about what we talked about today, and blogging is my way of thinking.
She wants to do some interpersonal therapy, because I have an ambivelant attachment style, which just means in the middle. She says "push me pull me" and I say "all or nothing". So we talked about my relationships. How I'm not close with my family, my relationship with my father is non-existant, and how I've always pushed people away. She drew a circle with "intimate" written in it, and then a bigger circle around it with "friends/acquaintences" in it. In my intimate circle I had Mark, Ally and Drena. In my bigger circle I had Mum, Louise and Charlotte. I was trying to think of other people I talk to, but I kept drawing blanks. Then I wrote a list of people I'd pushed out of both circles in the last few years. I wrote Mark's family, Emily, Amy, Sarah and another guy who was involved in all that drama. I told her the story, about how I invited Sarah down and because of what happened I lost Emily and Amy and the other guy, and how Mark's family treated me after that because of their thoughts about me. There were way more people I could have written in that list, but I didn't. I kept it confined to that story, but maybe I'll come up with some more examples later.
It was a hard hour for me because I seriously thought that I was over all that. I seriously thought that not having a father didn't bother me at all anymore, but in a way it does. It makes perfect sense now that I think about it, which I don't like to do often. She kept talking about the broken little girl inside of me, and I guess she's still there, being the voice in the back of my head that goes "you're not good enough, they don't like you, they'll never like you, why are you even trying?" because that's how things have always been. I should be angry that my father is a dickhead. I should be angry. It's the reason I'm so all or nothing. I've never had it all, so I got nothing, which is a non-existant father, random father figures throughout my life, and a family that I'm not that close to at all, and tonnes of friendships that have failed. Is that my fault? The answer is supposed to be no.
I don't remember being a little girl, and that's probably a good thing. I've heard so many stories, and I'd hate to remember a devastated childhood. I hate it that he didn't do anything. That's the point. It'd be better if he was around and cheated on Mum, or if he hit us, or hit her, or did something because then there'd be a reason. But there's not. He just wasn't there, and that's all there is to it. As much as I know it's supposed to be his fault, maybe I do still think it's my fault. I was the first born after all, at a time when he was so obviously not ready to settle down. Logic tells me that me being the first born makes no difference, because he had three other kids after that and still didn't settle down. Sometimes I wonder if Louise is as screwed up as I am.
When I told her the Sarah story she made the comment that the reactions that other people made were normal, that it was normal for them to be upset and that it was normal that I'd fallen out with me. The point was that it wasn't my fault, that I shouldn't beat myself up because they left me. I thought I was cool with that situation, but I'm not really. The underlying issue is the sexuality/relationship thing. I'm not so hurt about the fact that I lost people like Amy and Emily, because after the way they treated me I realised that I didn't want to be friends with people who could/would do that. I'm hurt by the fact that Sarah and I didn't work out. That I've never had a decent relationship with a girl. That the Amy fling bites into this too and that didn't work out either. It is everything that Eden has said, that fear of rejection and not being good enough. That is me, through and through, so why can't I admit to it? Even after all this I still don't think I'm good enough, even though I have people like Mark, Ally and Drena. That broken little girl inside of me still knows she's not good enough for anyone.
Why do people like me? It's a thought that I just told Dirk to ignore. I said "people like you because they want to be your friend". People like me for the same reason. Is it possible to accept that? My bad relationships far outweigh the good. There are more Sarahs and Amys than there are Marks, Allys and Drenas. There are more people that hate me (or at least I'm convinced they hate me) that love me. Even my own mother has hated me from time to time. Do I really deserve that? I guess I obviously think that I do. It's so easy to accept hate and rejection when it's all you've known. Ally is the friend that I've had the longest, and it was by some fluke that we are even friends. I still haven't figured out why Mark liked me in the first place, but he's the only one I'm convinced I'm not going to push away because after all we've been through already he's still here. After the incident with Drena she's still hanging around too, but I can't help but feel that I've damaged things somehow. Not so much that they're broken, but they're just not the same anymore. Nothing is the same. I'm still sitting here doubting myself, wondering why people stay after I push them away. Wondering why I push them away when they should just leave me, like they're supposed to.
She said I needed to think, because I'm not as sure of myself as I thought I was. I say I know myself, but I still sit there and go "I don't know" when she asks the questions. Why am I the way I am? I don't know. Why do I push people away? I don't know. Or do I? I push people away because I'm not good enough. Because I don't want them to leave first. Because if I beat them to it than I can convince myself that it's alright, that I hate them and not the other way around. Why did my father leave us? I don't know. Weren't we good enough? Is it a problem in me, or in him? The answer should be in him, but it's not. After all these years it's still not.
She mentioned that it didn't seem as if I trusted her yet, because I wasn't really opening up. That's not it at all. I do trust her, I feel really lucky to have her as my psychologist because she's what I wanted. I think I don't trust myself. I don't want to admit that maybe that issue is why I'm like this. It's obvious that I am, I don't form attachments because I never have. Because I had nothing I strive for all but it never works and I'm always left with nothing. What I want is to be loved and liked. I've never had that. Sure I've got Mark and Ally and Drena and some people I talk to a lot, but generally, I've been hated, even though Ally will say that less people than I think hated me. I still felt that way. It doesn't matter if they did or not, I thought they did, and they never showed me otherwise. It works when I push people away. If I'm convinced they hate me, I push them away, and then they do hate me. With the exception of Drena of course.
I can't say that all my romantic relationships have sucked, because they haven't. My relationship with Mark has certainly been rocky, but we're at a good place now. None of the others really hurt me that much, except for one in year nine that was just wrong. That's the story of the boy who was dark and mysterious and the girl who decided she'd hate me. Maybe I'm not over that yet either. I thought I was. My romantic attempts with girls have all failed miserably though. There was Emma, who I fell for and she didn't even care. I was her experiment. That hurt. Then there was Amy, and things turned sour with her a few times. And Sarah. I don't even need to discuss her in this context. I bring up "Sarah" and it's a definate that things are going to be bad. Then Melissa, who kind of just ignores me these days. Am I ok with all of this? I'd like to be. I'd like to think that there wasn't something in my looks or personality that other girls just dont' like, but I don't have an experience to back that up. I can't help but think that I'm not supposed to be with a girl, but I'm holding out hope that it will happen because I'm just so damn attracted to them. If it's the way I am, isn't that how it's supposed to be?
That feels like enough for now. I'm feeling low enough as it is. And for some strange reason my fingers are oddly itchy and I can't stop scratching them. I'm lonely. I want Mark to come home. I wish it was later so that I could go to sleep. Reading sounds like a good idea now, but am I able to concentrate enough on it. I did my sociology assessment today, but only because I had to. I really want to have the energy or the motivation to do something like clean, but I just can't find it. It's there somewhere, but for some reason it's not coming out. I think it's because I've had so many ideas and they don't turn out because I can never make them work. I get days where I want to do so much, but I just can't because my idea is too big. A common problem I face is not knowing where to start. Everything is so big, it's just so overwhelming. I'm hoping the motivation will come tomorrow, after I'd have a better night's sleep. I've been so tired today. Over tired. On eleven hours sleep, which is just ridiculous.
I wanted to go shopping this afternoon, but I couldn't find any undies that I liked. I didn't dare go into Bras N Things because it is way too expensive in there for me. I just wanted a cute, simple pair of undies, but the shops are disappointing me lately. So I came home empty handed, and felt a little sad. I just wanted something new. I get a buzz from it. It's nice to have new things, and I don't buy for myself very often anymore because I just don't have the money. Maybe I'll buy something on the weekend. Maybe I'll go pretty bra shopping, like me and Emily used to do. I don't want a bra though, I have so many of those. I have so many pairs of undies too, but I love them. Maybe I will go into Bras N Things.
Tomorrow I have work in the afternoon, but we're on break from TAFE. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself all morning. I'm hoping I have motivation, because I'd really like to be able to accomplish something tomorrow. Mark is going to Daniel's to help celebrate his birthday. They're going to be drinking all day, which doesn't sound like much fun to me. Mark is a cheap drunk, so I'm guessing he'll be damned hung over on Saturday, and they're driving to Newcastle on Saturday. I'm sure that being hung over doesn't go well with travelling, but he's willing to try it. Seeing as he has the day off work, it would be nice for him to spend it with me, but he's going to spend it with Daniel, and then head off for the weekend to see the football. I won't see him until Monday afternoon really. He'll be here tomorrow night, possibly. I don't want to be lonely.
I think I'm going to go read now. I found my book from a psych unit I did this time last year. It's called Reaching Out, and is all about interpersonal relationships. I never finished it because I didn't get time in the course, but it'd be really good for me to read again. I'm debating on starting that again, or trying to finish Memoirs of a Geisha first. I've only got like 100 pages left in that, so I'll be finished in the next few days. And I have done a lot of thinking today. I just want to slip numbly into another world for now.