back down
What goes up must come down. Or so the saying goes. At least that's how physics works for the toilet seat in Mum's house. There's even a sign there telling people to put the seat down. And when you throw a ball up, it hovers for a thousandth of a second and then comes back down. Not only did we learn this in science, but it's practical too. Call it gravity or something else along those lines, but that explanation doesn't work in my case.
My mood went up. And now it's come crashing back down again.
The moment I knew? Sitting on "smoke break" (in quotation marks because I am not a smoker. I have officially quit after 21 cigarettes in five months) at TAFE today listening to Precious and Annie talk about Annie's kids. Why? Maybe because I felt so left out. Just like an accessory that just doesn't go with anything else. Maybe I just feel more pathetic for feeling this way because Annie's daughter was raped and seems to be coping ok. And I have nothing, and am coping not ok.
And then cutting myself because I felt like I knew that a bad night was coming and I kind of just wanted to stop it in its tracks, so I did what I thought would and it didn't. I was shaking so bad. I don't know why either. I was washing up, and all of a sudden I just had this horrible sick feeling wash over me and my gut feel and my head hurt and I shook like there was no tomorrow. Cutting didn't really help, but I've had the thought in my mind since this morning. I was so proud of myself this morning too. And it's not even that I'm really hurting at the moment. It's more like "hey I'm bored...let's cut" or something similar. I just do it because I can. I want to because I've done it before. It just seems like the thing I'm supposed to do. I'm not sure if I like it, or if it even helps. I seem to be getting worse at it. Or actually, it seems to take more strength to do it and bleed. Like the same amount of pressure doesn't do the same amount of damage. I cut my arm because I had stockings on. I have a jacket on, so Mark hasn't seen yet, but I don't even know if he'd notice. He's too engrossed in Spore at the moment.
And then having Mum cancel because "Louise is too tired and Jayden planned to go to Jason's". And I spent an hour and a half after I got home from TAFE ferociously cleaning up my loungeroom and kitchen simply just because they were coming over. My house is so not baby friendly, and I needed to make an effort so that Bub wouldn't be breaking things or hurting himself. And then it was all for nothing; they didn't come. They were supposed to come because we were going to have dinner for another celebration for Bub's first birthday (whenever someone has a birthday, we do dinner) and we were going to have KFC. They haven't come over in ages, and I was all excited to have them over. The downstairs half of my flat is immaculate. It's unbelievably clean. Kind of like the store was this time last week when we were expecting managers (who didn't, and still haven't, turn up). I was proud, because even though I had my little episode in the middle of washing up, I still got it all done. I didn't clean upstairs, but that didn't matter. And then I get a phone call at around 6pm saying that Louise is too tired because of her year 12 treasure hunt last night, and Jayden rang Jason while Jayden was home today (last day of school is always a day off) and organised to go there for the night without even asking Mum. She said they'd come over tomorrow, but I don't want them to. I don't care. There's five of us in this family, and it's absolutely impossible to organise something that will take one to two hours. It's unbelievable. I'm sick of it.
And so we went to get movies, and Mark wouldn't let me pick all the ones that I wanted, but I still got one. And I watched it, but he was too engrossed in Spore to watch with me. He didn't seem to care that I was upset that Mum wasn't coming over. He just kept on getting shitty at the game because he couldn't figure it out. And then I asked if we could go get movies but he was still all about the game. And then I wouldn't talk to him, so he finally got off. But then we had to stop at Hungry Jacks so he could get his dinner, and we had to invite Daniel over so that he could show Mark how to play Spore, and then Mark played Spore for my entire movie, when I just wanted to sit with him. And he's playing it now, and he'll probably play it long after I go to bed. It makes me want to throw something at his head.
Ok; depressive rant is somewhat over now. And no, I don't feel better.
Other than that, TAFE was alright today. I did a fair few prints, and got my black and whites ready for assessment. I'll scan them in at a later date. We had a good day at TAFE. Precious was really happy about being back with (I'm going to call him...) Nate, but half an hour ago I got a message from her saying he was back to being an ass again. But her being happy was nice. Mark is telling me to get them to break up so Precious can have a threesome with us, but after all she's been through with the way Nate has been towards her, it's good that things were working out. Not so good now that they might not be working out. It was good to have her happy today though.
Charlotte messaged me this morning talking about how happy she was that she got her period. I didnt' even know that she'd slept with anyone! We got talking this afternoon via text (she's been there nearly a year and I still don't know what the time difference is) and she told me that she hooked up with some random guy one night while she was drunk. I'm sure her parents would love her. "Hey Mum and Dad, I'm pregnant to some random Swiss guy". Yep, just the stuff happy families are made of. It was so funny though. I read the message at like 5am because I didn't hear it, but I heard my phone start making the low battery noise so I realised I had a message. I was like "this will be one of the only times you're happy to be bleeding out of your vagina...but wait, who are you sleeping with?". I know Charlotte is quite active, but I've never known anyone that she has slept with. I've never heard any details or anything. I know one guy that she has slept with a few times, which is her parent's neighbours and family friends. And yes, he's married, and having problems with the wife, and old enough to probably be her father. Um, maybe not. He looks pretty young. This is a big freak out if Ally doesn't know this, because I'm sure Charlotte didn't tell her because it wasn't something she put out there. I think I found out because Michael found out (one time when they were drunk together someone blurted something somewhere) and I can't even remember which one of them told me!
Not much else really happened today. Eden called me and rescheduled an appointment I'd booked with her, and Precious asked who it was and I told her that I was seeing a psychologist. It was good because I thought it was work calling me asking me to come in. Depending on who rings sometimes it comes up with "private number". Andie does it all the time, no matter how many times I tell her that I'm less likely to answer a private number, and I only do because Mum has a silent phone number so she's private. I work five days in a row this week because Shell will be away so I get half her week on top of most of my own shifts. It's my responsibility to prove myself to let them know that I still belong there. I don't know what I'll do if they take me out of there. I don't want to go back to check outs.
I had fairy floss for dinner. I know how bad that is. I tried so hard to eat today. I was in a reasonably good mood until like three hours ago anyway. I had one of them liquid breakfast popper things before I went to TAFE, and I had a big lunch at TAFE. I snacked when I got home when I started shaking. But then it got to dinner, and I was in that mood where it was like "no, I can't eat, I won't eat". I had fairy floss because, well I just haven't had it in ages. And it was easier to convince Mark that I wasn't hungry if I ate something little instead of eating something big. It's easier for him if I'm a little bit hungry, as opposed to "not hungry". I'm having issues with the part of my stomach that is hanging over the top of my stockings. I know when I'm in a better mood I will think this is absolutely crazy because I know that my body looks good. It's not great, but it's good and all in proportion and little. Maybe I'm subconsciously depriving myself of food now because I feel like I've eaten too much today. It's possible.
Mark is going out tomorrow night. I was thinking of going with him, but now I'm not so sure I'll be in the mood. I still don't know how much alcohol I can handle. Precious said that alcohol and anti-depressants are a bad mix, and not just because you get drunker quicker. Alastair is having a birthday. I think he's 22. So Mark and the boys are going out tomorrow night, and he invited me along because Alastair is probably the only guy I really get along with. That and his jaw dropped when he seen me in the dress I wore to Precious's on the weekend (he was driving when Mark dropped my stuff off to me). I don't know if I want to go. Mark already made the point that he wants to bring Emma home tomorrow night because she'll be drunk enough to give him a blow job again. That sounds bad, but it's not just that. She'll also be out of her house already. She says her difficulty is getting out of the house her mother is often still awake, and it seems odd to be "going to hang out" at 10pm on a weeknight. Although she is finished school now. But she still does have her HSC. But it's obvious that she'll be out tomorrow night for Mark to pick her up. And I'm pretty sure if I go out I'll still zonk out by 10pm and be boring as and I'll just want to come home anyway. I'm trying to ease myself into staying up later, but it's kind of hard when I'm dead to the world come 9:30pm regardless of what time I wake up. I'm actually thinking I might go to bed now. It's 9:40pm. I'll still read for a little while, but 10pm seems to be my cut off point.