old school sleep overs
So I think I'm somewhere in between really tired, happy, hopeful, disappointed, depressed, thoughtful, sick and bored. All in all it makes for a weird feeling.
I didn't go out last night. I spent the night with Precious. And no, we didn't have sex. And no, that's not the reason I'm disappointed.
The Nutrimetics party was good, except I was the only person to show up for it! There were three of us; me, Precious and her sister. A couple of her sister's friends and a couple of her work friends were supposed to come but no one did. Annie was sick and Lexi had to work. I already knew Annie was sick, but Lexi said she'd try. The Nutrimetics consultant was some Asian lady with a really thick accent and for the most part I didn't really understand what she was saying. She also seemed to over exaggerate the making money part of being a consultant, but I think that was just because Precious's sister kept asking about it. The products we used felt really good, but they are far too expensive for me. I'm not paying over $150 for four little tubes that will probably last two months. I am going to buy some shampoo and conditioner, even though the lady couldn't tell me if it was organic or not. I'm also going to buy some eye shadow. Black, of course.
It started to rain heavily for a short while and I decided not to go out. Then Mark rang me up and said he wanted to go to poker with Alastair, so I just got him to drop some things over and I stayed the night with Precious. Precious's sister and her friends went out so we basically had the house to ourselves. We talked about everything and anything. I told her about my depression and she told me about hers. She told me about how she said no to the guy that she's liked for ages that has really done nothing but treat her like crap (I've mentioned him a few times). I told her the Sarah story and the reason behind Mark's family hating me. We drank wine. We tried to watch Gossip Girl but the media player on Precious's sister's laptop didn't like it for some reason. We listened to music. We talked about people we both knew. We probably went to bed pretty early. I drank half a bottle of wine and felt like I'd had a full one so I stopped drinking. She didn't feel like drinking anyway.
The sleep was a bit rocky. She had a good bed though. It was really good temperature wise, because I heat up like nothing else, but the bed kept me pretty cool. The pillow was a bit hard but it wasn't too bad. I woke up when Precious's sister came home and turned the light on and made a comment about there being two of us in the bed (she didn't know that I was staying). She made a whole lot of noise when she got home. Precious must be a deep sleeper because she didn't hear. Then one of her sister's friends banged on the door really loudly and was calling out to be let in. Precious gets up and yells all down the hall way "what's your fucking problem I left the fucking back door open...oh shit it's ...[sister's friend]". Then there was more noise while they got changed, got a drink, went to the toilet and crashed in bed. I think I woke up pretty early this morning. Precious woke up as well but went back to sleep. She makes funny noises when she sleeps.
We had nachos for breakfast at 11am. Precious bought my second bottle of Moscato off me (for the price of a Nutrimetics eye shadow) and started drinking it when we had nachos! She only had one glass though, and she spent most of the time swirling her finger around the top of the glass making that noise with the glass. It sounded awful until she'd done it for a while. It was pretty cool. We sat outside in the sun for ages while she had her many smoke breaks. I don't think I've ever done so much passive smoking. We listened to the same music again (the mix CD I made her a few weeks back). We talked more about that guy. We talked more about people we knew. She told me that one of the girls that used to come to TAFE was a lesbian, and I ranted about how lesbians never like me. She told me stories about Lilly. We both questioned Precious's sexuality. She told me she told that guy she thought she was a lesbian because she wasn't interested in having sex with him once. I told her that maybe she just didn't feel like sex. I wish she was a lesbian. Every single hint I've dropped about being interested in her has done nothing. I'm starting to think she isn't interested. We didn't have sex because I didn't initiate. I actually didn't want to. And I found out she had her period anyway. I don't know if she would. I said I wanted a girl to fuck on a regular basis, and she said to get back in touch with Lilly. I should ask her if she'd fuck me, but at the moment I'm too scared she'll say no. And she's having issues with this guy and with other guys and everything. Drama, drama, drama. It was a good night and morning though. We walked to the superette so I could buy a drink, and we talked Nutrimetics and she told me the story about her and her almost step brother.
Mark went to play poker last night. We were supposed to go out together but I said no after it started raining. He was heading out to pick up, or well that's what I thought. It turns out he didn't go out, but he almost picked up. He's spent all morning texting Emma even though she lives in the flat opposite us, and trying to convince her to come over so she could give him a blowjob again. She takes some convincing! In some weird role reversal she's the one with morals, and I think she thinks that I don't know. Like I think she thinks that Mark is doing the dirty on me, when in reality I've given him permission and I'm totally fine with it.
He finally came and picked me up from Precious's house at around 3pm, and she still hadn't come around even though they'd been texting on and off all morning. Then he tried to set it up for her to come around while I went up to get some groceries but she didn't text him back, and it turns out she was asleep. I think he gave up on the idea today. He was going to try to film it because it was our little joke from when he dropped my stuff off at Precious's last night. He's a little disappointed, and I'm a little disappointed for him.
He's gone to poker now. I didn't want him to go because we're supposed to be making dinner and I hardly saw him today. I got to the point where I was just annoyed that he wanted to go and just told him to go because if he didn't I'd hear him complain about it. It's been a good weekend, but I'm not in a happy mood at the moment.
Yesterday was a good day. I was totally in a happy mood. It was so funny, I danced around the house for most of the day. We did some mega cleaning. We tidied up everything but the study, and I washed the dishes finally, we did all the washing, we mopped the floors, we changed the sheets, we cleaned the bathroom and put all the clothes away. We planted my plants too. They're now in a big long pot in the kitchen all together. Hopefully they grow.
I wore the hottest dress to Precious's last night, with awesome hot stay up stockings, that I managed to ladder from sitting on her front step. I'm thinking I'll wear that outfit again some time real soon because I wanted to go out with it on. When Mark dropped off my stuff I seen Alastair's jaw drop. Mark tells me he said "damn your mrs is so fine!" which made me laugh. I just wish I could get that attention off some girls.
Yesterday when I was at home I picked up a letter from Life Solutions. Life Solutions is the place that I will be going for counselling sessions. I have an appointment on Tuesday at 11am. I originally freaked out because for some weird reason I thought I couldn't make it and the letter said that if I needed to cancel or postpone I needed to give at least 48 hours notice or else my referral could be cancelled, so I was panicking because I couldn't. But then it hit me that I could make it. I don't know why I thought I couldn't. Maybe my subconscious doesn't want to go. I don't even know where this place is, but there's a brief description on the brouchure that was with the letter, so I'll have to set out to find it. I'm going to have to walk over there, and I need to get there early to fill out forms and all that. I don't know what time I'll have to leave, but I might just leave extra early just in case. Hopefully my appointments are free, because the brouchure said that only some services were.
I also freaked out when I saw the letter because I recognised the logo on the envelope from what the doctor had told me. I was worried that Mum would recognise the logo, because I haven't told her about any of this. I know I probably should but I just can't. I distinctly remember her telling me how stupid I was being when I was having a hard time at school. I was stupid because I was young and beautiful and had my whole life ahead of me. Or something like that. Now I know I'm not stupid and I do know I have my whole life ahead of me, but sometimes that thought is a bit more daunting than inspiring. Now that I'm older I'm starting to think that maybe she has her own problems, because I've seen hints of it around life at times. Even still, I just don't think she would understand. It's not that my issues would be so different to hers, it's just that once she told me I was stupid, and that kind of stuck, even though I know I'm not just being stupid.
I also have a doctors appointment on Wednesday to see how I'm going on Lovan. I'll have to walk to that one too, but it's only about a half hour walk. I really need a licence, but driving isn't something that I'm thinking about, no matter how much I'm threatened with my uncle selling the car.
I'm really tired at the moment, which kind of was the plan. One weekend when I had an early Monday I went out and hardly slept and then was so dead on Sunday that I went to bed early. I got enough sleep on Sunday night and was fine on Monday. Well not fine, but more awake than usual. That's the plan for tonight; to go to bed early, and it's looking like it's going to happen. I'm not sure what time I'll go to bed and I'm not sure what time Mark will be home. Maybe if Mark is home after I'm asleep Emma will be able to come over, which he's been trying for all day. I do feel bad for the poor kid, she's playing a bit hard to get. She must be so confused. It must be the weirdest situation for her. He should just tell her that I know and am perfectly fine with it.
I wore a skirt today after I had a shower this afternoon. I haven't worn anything above the knee all week and with reason. On Tuesday I cut myself on my thigh and there are still marks there. They're not bad or anything like that, they're just there. I didn't want him to know because I knew how he'd react, but today was just so hot that I put my skirt on. My pants were dirty anyway. So we were lying on the bed and he runs his hand up my leg and finds the cuts. He wasn't happy. He was annoyed because he'd seen them on my arm last time and then he was like "oh so you just moved them to your legs so I wouldn't see?", which I kind of did do. He just asked me not to do it again, to punch a pillow or something. I didn't tell him I couldn't promise that. I know I shouldn't do it, but now that I can, it's really easy, and it works. I don't know what sort of mindset I'm in at the moment as to say whether it's a good or a bad thing, but it's probably something I will do again. I can just promise I'll do my best not to let it get out of hand.