every moment lasts a day
I seriously think that today has been the best day I've had in a very long time. Last night wasn't too crash hot, but it wasn't bad. We had poker, and I let Mark have his friends over because I wanted to take photos for my class. I did take some photos, but it took me a while to work up the courage to actually do it (I'm having some issues of that sort, yesterday in town it took me a good while to convince myself that I could even walk to the shop to get some food by myself while Mum went and fed Bub, it was the weirdest feeling I've experienced in a while, pure self doubt and being afraid). Daniel wasn't too bad to me. He made a few untasteful jokes about domestic violence. I don't know if he realised how I reacted. At one point I had a you-can't-joke-about-that look on my face, and another time I just looked at the floor and waited until he was finished. Chad was a lot more tame now that he has a girlfriend. Chris was out in the first few hands and left early, and then next to go was Chad I think. In the end it was Daniel, Matt and another guy, and Alastair and Mark dealt. They didn't finish until really late, and I started cleaning up before they'd finished in the hopes of telling them that it was almost time to go. I don't know who won cause I went to go to bed but hung around on the computer for a while. I got to bed around midnight, so it wasn't too bad.
It's fathers day today. I don't like fathers day, probably because I've never had a father. For me this day has always just been like all the others. There's been no excitement to buy and give a present, no picnic lunches, no making breakfast in bed, no nothing. It's always been a Sunday just like all the others. We always send my Pop a card, and sometimes we give Jason a card just because. He's more like a father than an uncle anyway. In my opinion fathers day is a bit pathetic. Isn't it just a reminder to all the kids that don't have dads what they're missing out on? Mum said that the other day while watching some TV show Jayden asked what a good dad is. Why would anyone want to celebrate a loser who doesn't spend time with his kids at all, or someone who won't even acknowledge that they have kids? Someone will say the same about mothers day, but this is my argument, and I have a mother, not a father. Usually fathers day passes and I don't really notice, but today was a good day that just so happened to be fathers day.
We woke up early to go to Mark's parent's for breakfast. It wasn't really a good breakfast; the day wasn't looking too good. They did the food weird and cooked enough but dished it out unfairly. Of course Mark's dad and Michelle's husband got heaps of bacon and eggs, and Mark managed to get a decent amount, but I got next to nothing. It's not as if I'm complaining because I don't like bacon and eggs that much and wasn't that hungry, but it just seemed a bit unfair. And we had to stay for a while and chat and what not and I got really bored really quickly, like usual. He had to hold the baby even though she was sleeping, so I got really bored then. I asked to go but he didn't listen. His mum handed me a cross stitch catalogue to look at, which I used to do all the time before it all went downhill, and then he decideds to leave.
I convinced him to go to Mum's and we did. We had a good time there kicking the ball around the back yard into the goal that I bought Jayden for his birthday. I can kick really good goals, but I never can seem to in a real game. Mark kept telling me that he was really horny, it was kind of funny. We found a pair of sexy dice in the cabin! It was an "oh my fucking god" moment because we walked in there and the bed was a mess (like always) and there was crumbled up tissues everywhere and I was like "I hope someone just has a cold!" But no, it doesn't look that way. It's weird thinking that Louise has sex, but I thought that she was having sex with Andrew before James came along. I stole her sexy dice though, just to be funny. It's not as if she can complain to Mum about it!
After Louise finished work we decided to go for a picnic in the park. It really was a fun afternoon. We had chicken and coleslaw on bread rolls, and played soccer and cricket and had the best time. We were like a real family. Louise and James even came although they had lunch with James's family (and were apparently served by a waitress that told them pretty much to fuck off!). I got some photos of everyone playing cricket and of Bub with various people. We lost the ball in a tree at one point which was really funny. It was more like a shrubbery of little baby trees, and really hard to get into and out of. We all had a bat, and I was pretty good at batting and bowling, surprisingly. I caught Mark out on his first bat, which was really funny. We were in the park for about two hours, and in the end Jayden got upset because we had a break when it was his bat again. We had a birthday cake for Mum because she didn't get one on her actual birthday. We played a little more until Jayden stopped getting upset for getting out, which he did a few times really quickly.
Mark and I hung around in the park because I wanted to take photos of stuff. I didn't find much to take photos of, but Mark took some of me with my digital. They actually look good. I think I'm a bit conceited sometimes, because I like the photos of me that he takes. We held hands, it was really nice. Then we went to another park and went for a walk around. By that time there weren't many fathers-day-picnic-people hanging around. I got some photos of some ducks, and it was really funny because nearly every time I went to take a photo one of them would drop a massive poop right in front of me. We went for a big walk around the park and walked past what looked like two young ladies lying together under a blanket (and yes, that upset me a little bit, damn not being able to find a cute girl). We went for a wander into a place where not many people go and made out, which is something we haven't done in the longest time. Whenever we kiss like that it always means sex, so I don't like to do it because I hate saying I don't want sex. But...
We went home and had sex. And it was damn good sex too. In the loungeroom actually, we didn't even make it upstairs! It was nice, and that's all I really need to say about that. No sexy dice though, maybe another day. I think I forgot I had them.
I convinced Mark to watch a Gossip Girl with me, and I think he secretly loved it. Then we cooked apricot pork cous cous, which was so good. I think we over did the cous cous though because we cooked as per the recipe, which serves four, and dished all the cous cous out for both of us. I'm taking some for lunch tomorrow, without the cous cous. It's definately something we'll be making again. It was pretty easy, except for all the cutting vegetables up, which is always the hard part. We watched a CSI:Miami while we ate, and now I'm at the end of a good day.
I'm not tired, even though I was dead when I woke up this morning. I need to go to sleep early though (it's now 9pm) because I have stocktake at 4-fucking-30am tomorrow morning. Hopefully I can get to sleep early so I can function tomorrow, but I notice that when I do this shift the less and lighter I sleep the better off I am. I don't know why, I'm just backward like that. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, but it's best just to do it and not complain about it. Shell has done so many stocktakes and I have done maybe four. I think Shell used to be the only one that did it because I doubt the other girl would have because she hates waking up so early. I wish I could say that! Stocktake is responsibility though, so I should be happy that I've got that chance. I still don't know if I stocktake right, but hopefully I do. I'm not even sure if I remember the numbers for the gun, but there'll be something at work that will tell me. There was a note in the communication book from Katie the other day saying that we absolutely had to do counts of a morning or else action would be taken the the person/people responsible for not doing counts might be taken out of smokeshop. That's me, because lately we've been having big loads and I haven't had time. And it's also the other girl, who makes a half assed effort to do half a count. Our loads have settled down now, so I'm finding time to count now, which is good.
I just told Charlotte that I'm sort of depressed. She's been really out of the loop over in Switzerland, and she refused to get a blog when I told her she should so that we could keep caught up. I thought it was probably time, seeing as Ally knows heaps and Mark's a little in the loop. Charlotte is a really close friend, and I felt bad keeping it from her like some big secret. I'd want her to tell me. Charlotte also comes home in about a month and a half, or two, or something.
I'm proud of today. Depressing thoughts didn't really cross my mind much, except for when I was bored this morning. I've been in overdrive all day trying to keep the tiny little remnants of cuts on my arm covered up, even thought they're so tiny that someone probably wouldn't notice them unless I pointed them out. They're hardly even there. It was like a constant reminder that even though I feel ok, I'm really not. But I'm getting there, even though I have started hurting myself again, or at least trying to.