love stories
This is my text conversation with Precious from Friday. When we left TAFE I jokingly said to Mark that Precious and I were hooking up, because we'd talked about hooking up (not directly me and her) and what Mark would say if I said we were because Precious thinks he doesn't like her. When Mark and I got home I told him that we weren't really hooking up at all.
Me: Mark says it's really boring that we're not actually hooking up
Precious: lol...really
Me: yea really, I go 'we're not really hooking up' and he goes 'damn that's boring'
Precious: lol...I'm sure he would like that
Me: yep and then he continues on with 'she has massive tits'
Precious: oh! lol
Me: it's a compliment - I'll message after work, gotta go
Precious: ok...mwa
Me: ok I'm finished work now
Precious: how was it?
Me: boring
Precious: lol true...I broke up with (listens to everyone when they said she was a slut guy)
Me: how come?
Precious: I just didn't like him the way I liked (let's get married guy)
Me: fair enough, so are you single now?
Precious: at the moment
Me: you're not going back to (let's get married guy)?
Precious: I don't know yet
Me: fair enough - maybe I'll be your crazy lesbian and hit on you lol
Precious: lol
Me: goes back to the question - would you like me to hit on you lol
Precious: lol...not yet...I need to sort stuff out with myself first
Me: fair enough, well whenever you want me to hit on you let me know and I will ok - and if you ever want to chat about sorting yourself out you can let me know too
Precious: I know thanks kitty
Me: that's ok lovely
And that's it. Notice when I suggested I could hit on her she said "not yet". She confuses me to no end. She was always so open about having been with Lilly, but I know that I'm not Lilly, and while I may take her place in the "best friend" position, maybe Precious isn't "attracted" to me like she was to Lilly. When we talked about it she always said she was straight, but just that there was something about Lilly, and she wasn't sure if it was just because they were so close and hooking up seemed the next natural step, or if she did actually like Lilly like that. I get that, because sexuality isn't a predefined concept. You could be straight and still fall in love with someone of the same sex, which is what it appears happened to Precious. But then, back when they were friends and we talked about me going to one of their parties, Precious said a few times that they'd probably both hit on me while I was there, but I put that down to them being either drunk or high, or both. Like I figured that that would just be party fun, which is the only reason I wanted to go to one of their parties. Something is always better than nothing, and I'm still trying to figure out if I like Precious, or if I just want to sleep with her.
So maybe one day she'll go "you can hit on me now" and I will. The thing is, I've never hit on anybody in my life. Never. Considering I've been in a long term relationship for four years now, that's not unsurprising. I wouldn't know the first thing about hitting on someone. I probably wouldn't hit on someone, because I am a shy person. Any of my friends will say I'm not, but when it comes to this sort of thing I am. I could probably hit on a guy real easily, because that's to be expected. I couldn't hit on a girl, because there's that whole "what if she's straight" thing. I've never even so much as flirted with a girl at the pub while I'm drunk and she's drunk. So these next few paragraphs are going to be fluff relating to every single relationship/hook up I've had in the last four years, because I need to think out the dynamics of each relationship/hook up and where I stood in the hitting on stakes. And because all this has been floating around my head all morning.
Mark hit on me. We hooked up on our year ten excursion to Sydney. We had dated in year nine, but it was just to get back at a girl we both didn't like who liked Mark. We had a semi-real relationship then, and I initiated with "hey we should do this to annoy ...". Back in year nine I was a bit more out there with boys, and still hadn't really admitted to anyone that I was into girls, because I hadn't found any I liked and wasn't going to be getting with any. We kissed in that relationship, and he initiated. Then in Sydney we were just walking around doing our excursion thing and we had linked arms, and then he just started to hold me hand. We walked around the whole day holding hands and just didn't say anything about it. It was actually really funny. When we got back to our hostel rooms at around midnight I texted him with "so are we going out or what?" and he said something like "if you want to" and I said something like "ok". So that's our love story, we've been together for four years. It took us two weeks to have sex for the first time (I had had sex previously once with a family friend I was dating long distance a few months before hand, but nothing happpened and it was hardly sex because there was a lot of pain for me and I just ended up saying no) and he initiated. He actually kept bugging me about it because he's male and he wanted sex. He'd never had sex before. I finally gave into him, and in four years I'm sure there's about a handful of times that I've initiated sex. I put it down to being on the pill and loosing my sex drive, because I'm sure I did have a sex drive there somewhere. We used to have sex a lot, and now it's hardly ever.
The first girl I had anything to do with was Emma. She was more of Mark's idea, because I'd told him I was bisexual and wanted a hook up. He talked to her, and she said she was interested in a threesome, and eventually we had one. It was strictly an experience for her, and she even said so after the event. I was really shy in this position, being it my first time with a girl (even though I was mega excited) and knowing that she was in it for herself. It took me a while to get comfortable and get into it because I was so nervous. It wasn't really a good night for me, as it was more about her and Mark, because she just wanted the experience. She wasn't in it for the same reasons I was, but that's what happens with threesomes and straight girls. I ended up liking her, and after a few fights within myself and some help from some people I talk to (I honestly cannot remember who) I finally texted her telling her that I liked her, and she replied with "but I'm straight". I knew that, but I felt I needed to tell her because I liked her (although I'm not sure how because I'm not attracted to her anymore at all). Mark and I went through a rough time (I'm pretty sure because of her) and we broke up for all of three hours. Emma and I have history that includes her trying to bed Mark a few times without me knowing and with me telling Mark no. I slagged her out on Bebo big time telling her if she wanted to fuck someone she'd need to find someone who didn't know that she was bad in bed (Mark tells me it's the starfish - just lies there and does nothing). So we got to be really close friends, and then we hated each other, and now we just don't talk to each other that much. I remember at one point Mark said that Emma would have another threesome with us again if it wouldn't get messy, but even if she was offering I'd probably still say no.
The next two girls are so intertwined it's not funny. I think I'll start with Amy. Amy and I were friends before we hooked up. I had come out telling all my girl friends that I was bisexual (I'd told my boy friends ages beforehand because I knew they wouldn't have a problem with it, I wasn't sure about the girls). A few months later (or something like it) Amy started dancing around us all going "I've got a secret" and you know when someone dances around like that they want to tell you, or at least someone. I jokingly texted her one day saying "let me guess, you're a raging lesbian" and she told me she was bisexual, and that only one other of her friends knew. I think maybe she told me because I'd just come out and told everyone about me. We got close, as friends, and then I don't really know what happened. We probably told each other that we liked each other at some point, but I really can't remember. I just remember the hooking up and stuff. I can't say the first time we kissed, because I don't remember. I remember staying at her house a couple of times. We'd muck around watching movies (we watched Imagine Me and You once, cute lesbian movie that made it into the mainstream) in her room, talking about our friends and relationships, dancing around hooking up while both wanting it. We'd tickle each other up the side of the stomach just to tease each other, and throw pillows at each other. I'd trap her with the pillow and kiss her, or something like it. When we'd turn the lights out to go to sleep we'd lie facing each other in the dark, both knowing that we were staring for each other's eyes without being able to see. I remember fighting heaps with myself inside my head just to lean over and kiss her. It sounds so easy, but I'm quite shy so it took forever for me. I remember once we were at Ally's for drinks after her 18th birthday. Amy and I ended up sitting on a lounge together, me kind of on top of her, towards the end of the night. Somehow we ended up holding hands, probably because we were silently just touching each other on the hand and arms, dancing around holding hands. When the lights went out we made out and felt each other up. I initiated, or we both did. That was after we'd been together a few times, so I was a little less shy then, and the excitement of still having Mark, Ally and Charlotte meters away from us kind of made me bolder I think. We ended after she dated someone else and didn't tell me, and after all the drama with Sarah.
Sarah is a big long story. We first met on Windows Live Spaces, and then migrated to Bebo together. We talked on MSN for about a year before she came down here and tore my world apart. We met knowing that we were both bisexual and attracted to each other (well what we put online). We ended up really close. We'd chat every day on MSN, swap pictures that were a bit raunchy for Bebo, even though we put them on there anyway. We talked about her coming down and us hooking up, and it was a done deal for the longest time. We even rang her mobile a few times because Mark had free to Optus calls. We knew for the longest time that we were going to get together, and eventually in May last year she made the trek down here, and that's where it went downhill. I'm not going to talk about all of it, because I'm just trying to figure out how many relationships I've initiated. I'm not going to talk about my break up with Mark either, not in this paragraph. So Sarah and I kissed on a ride at the show, and she initiated. We didn't hook up much, but we mucked around in my cabin at Mum's once, just taking photos. We kissed a few times there, she probably initiated. I was still really shy at that point in time, and it was a really tough time for everyone involved, me especially. We hooked up for real one night while sleeping at a friends place. He was nice enough to give us his bed while he slept on the floor. He had the most amazing satin sheets, they were so divine. I'm buying me some one day. Anyway, this hook up is really secret, and Mark doesn't know about it, because it was back in the make or break part of our relationship, and that would have broke it, but I really wanted it, so I did it. She initiated, I think. As far as I can remember, we were just kissing on the bed, and she just got up and jumped on me. It was an equal effort, although admittedly she wasn't that good in bed. I had fun, and she was the first girl that I went all the way with. Nothing else happened because everything hit the floor and then continued to bury under after that.
When Mark and I broke up shortly after that, I initiated the get back together. Whenever we had sex I initiated, mostly because I'd text him and say "pick me up after work and I'll tell Mum I'm working late or going to a friend's place and we can go have sex at the netball courts". So there's one for me in the initiating scores. Actually maybe two, because of times with Amy.
I never completely initiated with Melissa. Mark set us up. We were supposed to meet and hook up at the pub (because I badly want a dancefloor kiss), but we didn't so we went around there the next day. I was really nervous and unsure, and not feeling too good because of drinking the night before, so we went around for an intro session before going back later that night to have a threesome. Mark initiated, because I was so nervous I could hardly make a move, and Melissa was waiting until she was sure I was ready. I was ready, I was just shy. The sex was really good, it was all the other stuff that made it an overall bad experience. I went up there a few times, some with Mark and some just by myself. When Mark was there he initiated. When I was there Melissa wouldn't initiate, because she knew I was nervous and I needed to find my ground. In a way, she was teaching me because she knew I wouldn't but I badly wanted to. We danced around hooking up a lot, and in the end I mostly initiated. We did the same sorts of things I did with Amy (I just made that realisation just then); mucking around, throwing pillows, tickling and teasing. It really was the same sort of situation, we'd pin each other to the bed with pillows and kiss. She had the most awesome pillows, they were so pudgey. We mostly just did lots of talking, with random comments from her about why I didnt' just jump her. I was really nervous, although I was less nervous the more we were together. There were still many times when I wanted to kiss her but reasoned with myself that I shouldn't or it was inappropriate. Now I wish I'd just done it, but it's too late now. I initiated more than she did because she made me, so does that mean that she initiated? In a way, she tried to teach me to just go for it. She was a more relaxed person than I am, I'd think everything out and she always told me to stop thinking and just do. Now I try to do more than I think. There are times (like now, when I'm not annoyed at her) when I wish I could have that time back, just so I can show her that now I think less and I would just jump her.
So I really am a shy person, but thinking about it I've initiated more. Melissa made me initiate, and I initiated with Amy because in a way I suppose she was less experienced than I was. Would I initiate with Precious? I badly, badly want to. I feel like I'm over analysing everything with Precious, just like I shouldn't do, but I dont' want to fuck with her emotions anymore than they're already screwed up. Maybe a situation with Precious would be like a situation with Amy, where I'd initiate because I was the more experienced one. I don't know. I want to lose my inhibitions, but it's easier said than done. I so badly want to hit on her and let her know that I want her, but I dont' know how to do that. Maybe if the time comes it'll just come naturally to me. Maybe I won't get a chance. I need to find some nerves and lose the shyness, because even if nothing happens with Precious, I still want to be able to hit on girls I find attractive wherever I find them.