slipping
So I badly need to get all this out of my system before it continues to eat me up. In case anyone was wondering, this is not going to be a happy entry.
It's hard to decide whether I feel like this because I'm on my period and my hormones are going absolutely crazy, or if I feel like this just because I feel like this. I've heard that the pill can cause depression, but I'm not depressed (as in I don't fit a diagnostic criteria for depression as far as I know, I've never had a reason to seek out a diagnosis). I'm not going off the pill anytime soon, not because I get wicked cramps and not because I want to find out if the pill is screwing around with my mood or if I really do just have horrible off days. I do know that I have just as bad off days when I'm in the middle of a pill cycle, so I guess that rules out the excuse of my period. I've never been a moody one when I get my period, in fact my mood hardly ever changes at all. I've never been grouchy or sad just because of my period. I'm one of the lucky ones, my mood hardly changes at all in relation to when I bleed out of my vagina.
So maybe I'm just having a really bad off day. Not that today was horrible in any respect, I just didn't feel that great. I could hardly drag myself out of bed this morning because I was so tired. Mark ultimately woke me up, he came in to say goodbye because he was going downstairs and wouldn't be coming back up before he left for work. In all honesty I was too scared to actually go back to sleep because I didn't know if I'd be able to wake up before I had to work. I started work at 11am. I've never slept that long. That's an extra three hours on top of when the alarm goes off at 8am. If I had slept until 11am that would be like 13 hours sleep, and that is impossible for me. I dragged my ass out of bed at around 8:30am and dragged myself into the shower. I sat around doing nothing much all morning.
Work dragged out. I hate four hour shifts because you don't get a break. And being a Tuesday it was hardly busy, even though register three is broken and I needed to keep an eye out to help out in the express lanes. I intentionally ignored something that Shell had asked me to do purely because I couldn't be bothered. We had a tonne of cigarettes and there was nothing to fill so I basically spent four hours walking back and forth pretending to be filling or looking for something to fill, and occasionally serving the odd customer. I felt horrible about not doing anything considering I could have done some massive cleaning today, but this last while (practically forever actually) I just lack motivation and energy. I also think I have a problem with showing incentive; I don't ever do something unless I'm told to. It's weird. Especially after what my manager said once, that I need to start showing incentive and doing things when I'm not told, because if I'm just standing around doing nothing there's no use me being in there. She did practically imply that she'd take me out of there for not doing anything, which is actually pretty fair. I don't want to loose my position in there, but lately I just haven't been bothered.
This afternoon I came home, did the washing up and played the Sims. I had already decided to play the Sims because I haven't in a while and it was something to distract myself. I didn't want to blog when I got home, and I didn't want to come on MSN and talk to anyone. I just wanted to be by myself. I went and seen Mark after I finished, and he made a point of asking me to wash up, so I did. It needed to be done because there was heaps, and half of it was needed for dinner tonight. I also bought the new Cleo, which I haven't finished reading yet. My Sims are going alright in the asylum challenge. I'm disappointed because no one has died yet or something horrible hasn't happened, but the Sims in the newer versions and expansion packs have become smart. Except when the food runs out, none of them can order it on their free will setting, so my controllable Sim has to do it. I'd say she's about half way to achieving her lifetime want, and it's probably been around fifteen or twenty Sim days. That's not too bad I guess. I don't know what I'm going to do with eight random Sims after the challenge is finished, depending if they all survive. I might move them all out into their own places and start them all over (aging is off for the challenge).
I just joined this community on LJ called The Life List. It was on the spotlight, so a whole heap of people would have joined it. It's a place where you post a list of things you want to accomplish before you die, and I'm going to post one when I get around to it. My LJ friends page is clogged up by Life List posts because everyone has joined it because it's on the front page. I join communities from the spotlight and then wait a little while until all the fuss has died down to post. I've already got a pretty huge life list. It's on my Facebook, and I'm always adding to it. I'll post it when I get around to posting one in that community. I'm a big list person, even if I don't ever follow them. I find it useful in keeping track of what I have to get done, but they obviously don't motivate me like they should. My to-do list is getting bigger by the day with the new things I add to it being more than what I cross off it. The ones I'm working on at the moment are things like getting my tax done (I downloaded eTax yesterday), fixing and buying some plain jewellery that I need, doing the music CD for Ally and getting over to Mum's to pick up some more stuff and rearrange the bedroom there so I can bring the bookshelf over. I was thinking this weekend (because I'm forever putting things off, it's always "later") but Mum suggested going to a nearby town for a counter lunch at a pub we haven't been to in years (she's really just trying to get me to drive and I know it, but I want to spend a day at a nice place and get some awesome photos) and Mark kicked up a stink about that saying he wanted to spend time with his family for a change. There are two days in a weekend, so there's both of them taken up I think. I've got a few days off during the week next week so I might try and get over to Mum's then.
Speaking of, I'm really getting sick of my two week roster. I need a change, and it's only been a few months.
TAFE starts again on Friday. I've taken zero pictures, and haven't even looked for a new film camera. I've got photos to develop though, I want heaps of the ones I've already got. I need to get out around the town and take some photos, but I'm too scared to take the photos I want to take. I like people, and I really like the candid shots of people doing their own thing, like walking down the street or sitting in the park or anything like that. I've heard that it's completely legal to take happy snaps of people out in the street, but I'm still scared of someone harassing me for taking their picture because they'd be completely in the right about it. I'd have no problems doing it in a big city (like Sydney, or even Newcastle) but here isn't busy enough for my liking. One day I'll do it, when I get the guts. I also need to start doing my photographic diary. I know that my new teacher probably won't appreciate the things I put in it, but honestly I'll be doing it for myself and not really for him. I need something of the sort to pass the course, and I do want to do something that I put a huge effort in to and can be proud of.
I dont' know if Precious is going to TAFE or not. She keeps forgetting to message me with her new number so unless I see her working I can't get a hold of her. I'm hoping she comes on Friday. She rang me last night. More issues. Real issues this time. She's pretty sure she's pregnant. She said her boobs are swelling, and I told her to get herself off to a doctor. Her and the boy that supposedly got her pregnant (the let's-get-married one) are off for real now. And she was out of smokes. I've been slowly starting to decline to buy her smokes. I don't know why. Maybe I couldn't be bothered. Maybe I know if I get caught it'd cost me my job as well as legal implications, because my job is to not sell cigarettes to minors. This is going to shock people, but I'm not even sure how much I like Precious anymore. Maybe it's because I haven't seen her. Maybe it's because I'm "slipping away" (whether it's just me or because of my period). Or maybe it's because she's gone a bit boy crazy lately, more than usual, and now she might be pregnant. Maybe I subconsciously resent her because I have never had the guts to ask her to hook up with me. She might always say no, but at least then I'd know.
I hate how I can do that; "maybe I subconsciously...". Does that mean that nothing in me is subconscious because I can consciously think that I might be doing something subconsciously. I think that's what got me interested in psychology in the first place; the prospect of the subconscious mind. When I was younger (I'm talking 13, 14) I read a few self help books that relied heavily on the subconscious controlling conscious actions. It makes so much sense to me, and if I ever developed a strong desire for psychology it was in that moment. The needing to help people came later, after I realised that I couldn't help myself.
Thinking is bad for the troubled mind. I didn't realise that I had this much blog in me tonight, considering how tired I am. It's now 9pm, and if I want any chance at a decent sleep I should probably start soon. I start work at 6am tomorrow morning, and I've learnt that for long early days I survive best on about seven hours sleep, but with the way I've been over the last few days I'm not sure that that will work. I had planned to get up early (5am as opposed to 5:30am) to have breakfast and a shower, but now we have no milk left and neither Mark or I can be bothered to walk up and get some. Maybe we should though, I've grown accustomed to a hot milo in the morning when I can. Maybe it'll be that that will get me through the day tomorrow, although I'm hoping tomorrow is better than today. We've decided to go to the club for the raffles tomorrow night, which means I don't have to cook dinner. I cooked tonight and last night, so I'm a little over that now.
I better get off here before I start rambling about something that could get me into trouble.