Giving thanks.
I am thankful. I am. But it's been a really rough day.
This afternoon had a mini-meltdown at Wal-mart when I expressed grief to Josh and he told me there are people who are worse off than me, and I needed to move on- which I took as "get over it"... I know a lot of people feel that way, and I know a lot of people are assholes. But with Josh it was more like I was one of his Air Force buddies in the middle of a war.
Only the other grieving mothers at support group REALLY understand how it feels. At least they have their husbands. I've felt so alone lately. I know I have a lot of FB friends. And my mother tries to be here for me, but there's still a difference between losing a grandson and a son. It is a physical pain. And I stop to look at the baby sections in stores or babies in passing strollers, and my mom tells me to stop. The other day she said, "Don't you know that it hurts ME when you do that?" It hurts HER. MY grief hurts HER. I understand that but it hurts me ten times as much.
Just dealing with my parents is very stressful. Maybe I'm a heartless bitch, but living with an Alzheimer's patient is very trying on one's patience. And people who haven't experienced it, but witness my impatience, chastise me sometimes. I know it looks awful, but being asked the same thing a hundred every 2 minutes or being terrified he's going to say something embarrassing to someone is STRESSFUL. And today was no different. Or the last few days.
Went to Riad's house and had a lovely dinner, but had to leave before dessert because my dad got "sick" - let's just say - so very little socializing today for KP. And an unpleasant ride home.
My brother sent me a text saying he sent a text to my mother but hadn't heard back and for me to please tell her happy Thanksgiving for him. It just brought up how he purposefully tried to hurt me as best he could right after Luke died. Said horrible things about me and blamed me for all of my parents' problems. That was the same night my "friend" told me I couldn't meet her baby because another friend had lied about me. I don't know how I made it passed that day. So another melt down today, just thinking about it.
I've been dwelling on the fact there is no one on earth who likes me best of all. I know. Pity party for KP, but it hurts, and makes me wonder why bother?
I'll be happy to go to work tomorrow and play with dogs.
This afternoon had a mini-meltdown at Wal-mart when I expressed grief to Josh and he told me there are people who are worse off than me, and I needed to move on- which I took as "get over it"... I know a lot of people feel that way, and I know a lot of people are assholes. But with Josh it was more like I was one of his Air Force buddies in the middle of a war.
Only the other grieving mothers at support group REALLY understand how it feels. At least they have their husbands. I've felt so alone lately. I know I have a lot of FB friends. And my mother tries to be here for me, but there's still a difference between losing a grandson and a son. It is a physical pain. And I stop to look at the baby sections in stores or babies in passing strollers, and my mom tells me to stop. The other day she said, "Don't you know that it hurts ME when you do that?" It hurts HER. MY grief hurts HER. I understand that but it hurts me ten times as much.
Just dealing with my parents is very stressful. Maybe I'm a heartless bitch, but living with an Alzheimer's patient is very trying on one's patience. And people who haven't experienced it, but witness my impatience, chastise me sometimes. I know it looks awful, but being asked the same thing a hundred every 2 minutes or being terrified he's going to say something embarrassing to someone is STRESSFUL. And today was no different. Or the last few days.
Went to Riad's house and had a lovely dinner, but had to leave before dessert because my dad got "sick" - let's just say - so very little socializing today for KP. And an unpleasant ride home.
My brother sent me a text saying he sent a text to my mother but hadn't heard back and for me to please tell her happy Thanksgiving for him. It just brought up how he purposefully tried to hurt me as best he could right after Luke died. Said horrible things about me and blamed me for all of my parents' problems. That was the same night my "friend" told me I couldn't meet her baby because another friend had lied about me. I don't know how I made it passed that day. So another melt down today, just thinking about it.
I've been dwelling on the fact there is no one on earth who likes me best of all. I know. Pity party for KP, but it hurts, and makes me wonder why bother?
I'll be happy to go to work tomorrow and play with dogs.