Today (and every day)-- the rollercoaster.
This morning I got up at 5AM. I'd gone to bed pretty early, didn't sleep too well, but by the time I was on the road I was WIDE awake. My second day working at the Humane Society's Eastpoint Pet Resort. I worked til 12:30pm. Hard work, but good work. Working with animals, and other people who'd rather be around animals than people. A moment in the middle where some donations reminded me of baby clothes and other items I should probably donate, but haven't. But mostly work and training and talking to dogs.
It's a long drive home. My mind races when I drive. Today it rested on the fact that those women I know got the privilege of holding Luke in their arms. Of seeing his beautiful face first hand. Feeling his weight. And still... did what they did. I don't care about the instigator. Thank the universe she wasn't there and never got the honor of meeting him. But the others who held my baby boy in their arms, who shed tears over his sweet face... how could they turn away? So my mind marveled on that for awhile, trying to comprehend. But there was no comprehension, only a melt down as I drove home.
My friend, Riad, got tickets to Churchill Downs in the Yum! Suite, and invited my parents and I. We went and the suite was fabulous, along with the weather, and the company. We were RIGHT NEXT to the twin spires.
To the right of the right one. It was amazing. And I love Riad and his family. I did not win a dime, but my mom did. She was the big winner of the day. Of course, none of us were big spenders. Still, it was a WONDERFUL afternoon. Pics on my FB as soon as Riad sends them to me.
My mom and I continued our Buffy marathon when we got home. Season 5, episode 16. The Body. Have you seen it? Sometimes I think I must be really simple. Why would it not occur to me what that episode would do to me? SPOILER ALERT: It's the episode where Buffy's mom dies and it's very REAL. It was all hard. Several teary eyed moments, then came Anya's speech. Meltdown #2 of the day and my mom says, "What's the matter with you? It's just a TV show." How can she not get it? Is she done mourning? So soon? It just reinforces the loneliness. And makes me angry.
It's all mine. More and more, I see it. Doesn't matter whether I'm weak or strong. It's all mine. All the others are too weak for it. The ones here. Around me. Just on the other side of the wall. Luke's loss is and will always be a hole inside me that I can physically feel. It's changed who I am. How I think. So has the loss of friends... I didn't know how grief could shine so bright a light through the disguises of seemingly kind people. And make no mistake ladies, if you're reading this, what you've done IS NOT kind, WAS NOT for MY benefit, and was for no other persons but YOURSELVES. Maybe one of you has the courage to admit it. Or maybe the delusion is too comfortable.
I'm sure they've hidden me on Facebook (and therefore will never read this), because that's the easiest way, isn't it? How lucky for them...
I'm tired.
It's a long drive home. My mind races when I drive. Today it rested on the fact that those women I know got the privilege of holding Luke in their arms. Of seeing his beautiful face first hand. Feeling his weight. And still... did what they did. I don't care about the instigator. Thank the universe she wasn't there and never got the honor of meeting him. But the others who held my baby boy in their arms, who shed tears over his sweet face... how could they turn away? So my mind marveled on that for awhile, trying to comprehend. But there was no comprehension, only a melt down as I drove home.
My friend, Riad, got tickets to Churchill Downs in the Yum! Suite, and invited my parents and I. We went and the suite was fabulous, along with the weather, and the company. We were RIGHT NEXT to the twin spires.
To the right of the right one. It was amazing. And I love Riad and his family. I did not win a dime, but my mom did. She was the big winner of the day. Of course, none of us were big spenders. Still, it was a WONDERFUL afternoon. Pics on my FB as soon as Riad sends them to me.
My mom and I continued our Buffy marathon when we got home. Season 5, episode 16. The Body. Have you seen it? Sometimes I think I must be really simple. Why would it not occur to me what that episode would do to me? SPOILER ALERT: It's the episode where Buffy's mom dies and it's very REAL. It was all hard. Several teary eyed moments, then came Anya's speech. Meltdown #2 of the day and my mom says, "What's the matter with you? It's just a TV show." How can she not get it? Is she done mourning? So soon? It just reinforces the loneliness. And makes me angry.
It's all mine. More and more, I see it. Doesn't matter whether I'm weak or strong. It's all mine. All the others are too weak for it. The ones here. Around me. Just on the other side of the wall. Luke's loss is and will always be a hole inside me that I can physically feel. It's changed who I am. How I think. So has the loss of friends... I didn't know how grief could shine so bright a light through the disguises of seemingly kind people. And make no mistake ladies, if you're reading this, what you've done IS NOT kind, WAS NOT for MY benefit, and was for no other persons but YOURSELVES. Maybe one of you has the courage to admit it. Or maybe the delusion is too comfortable.
I'm sure they've hidden me on Facebook (and therefore will never read this), because that's the easiest way, isn't it? How lucky for them...
I'm tired.