Not quiet.
If you think it's exhausting listening to or reading what I have to say, because it so depressing or whatever... imagine living it. I'm not trying to say "poor pitiful me"... I'm just saying it's a process. It's my process.
And no one has to read or listen. I understand not wanting to... believe me.
SO. I ran out of Cymbalta (for my lows)... yeah, that drug that has the million page side effects listed in it's commercial. (Doc prescribed it after Luke passed.) I'm on a few like that. But Cymbalta is extremely expensive and since Luke passed, my insurance was canceled. I applied to get help with the cost, but haven't heard back.
Anyway, the long and the short of it is, it doesn't take long to feel the effects of going cold turkey. I've been told it takes weeks, which might be true for other anti-depressants, but is not true of this one or maybe it has to do with my situation. I'm about ten seconds to crying at any time. Meltdowns are much more likely.
I do wonder... my ex-friends liked to tell me that I was always depressed. Maybe. But I never felt depressed in Altanta or Cherokee. Or in high school- which is the only time they were around me. Many of them are on anti-depressants, which is fine. Maybe some of those on it are happier if they think others are, too. I don't know. I've just had a lot of shit happen to me in the past 5 years (quite a bit caused by those who want to condemn me). Sometimes sadness is just sadness!
One of them told my mother that I had "deep psychological issues"... of course, she's the looniest of the pack. It doesn't bother me that she said that... she wants company. I understand that. I'm pretty sure my Cherokee/Hill/Atlanta friends would never think to say that about me. Not before losing Luke, anyway, and goddamn it, I have reason to be a little off.
I told a Chaplin I spoke with, not long after Luke passed, and right after the girls turned away, my theory that they couldn't take the grief any more, but that admitting that, saying they needed a break from the grief, would mean a weakness in themselves. So instead they all turned on me. That was easiest thing for them to do. And all of them, one next to the other, had a hand on the back of the next, patting and saying, "You're right." The Chaplin smiled and nodded and commented that I was spiritually stronger than them. I liked the thought. But maybe it's just that I have a logical mind, which I know is true. It's what made the most sense.
And because I am not quiet about it. Because I've spoken my mind on Facebook (never saying a single name), it's made it even easier for them to stay away. Only one mutual friend has apologized to me and she really didn't have a reason to... maybe for things she'd thought about me. But the reason, of course, would be that those things were put in her mind by the girls. Girls that haven't really been around me since high school.
When a husband of theirs talks to me as if he has known me, I know they are saying all kinds of unkind things about me. Emphasizing differences in personality and condemning them to make themselves feel better about themselves and their actions. If I were to judge their differences, they'd never be able to take it. I know this because, in the past, they haven't even been able to take what I say as what I mean. They're extremely prone to take what I say and twist it, not actually listen to the words coming out of my mouth. They'd be better off to do so. I'd be better off for them to do so.
If you wonder who I am, ask my true friends... that know all my dirty business and STILL would never, EVER do what these women who claim to be so spiritual, and loving have done to me. And, yes, they have DONE this to me.
I keep telling myself that I think about it because it's easier than thinking about losing Luke, and that is very, very true. But it's times like these, when I go out the door, needing someone to talk to, that it hits me. The wrong they've done and refuse to admit. All but one of the ones that have defriended me (there were 3 that I know of) on Facebook are better out of my life and the separation is long overdue. Maybe that's true of all of them, but goddess help me, I still have the smallest benefit of the doubt for the others. Mothers, most of them, who may one day decide it's alright to think for themselves and not act like sheep.
I needed someone tonight. I needed a friend here in Louisville that I could talk to and NOT be judged, just comforted. There's only one I trust not to judge me, because he never has. Riad. But he's very busy. I'm sure there are people I know that would also not judge, but I'm not sure who they are. I know there are very nice, wonderful people locally who have told me on FB that they are there for me, and I appreciate it greatly. But most I haven't seen in years, and the few I have... I don't know. I'm gun shy. After what's happened with women I've known for 23 years who turned away from me right after my son's death... how can I know?
I went to a relatively new friend tonight. He likes me a lot, so he doesn't judge. Not so far. But it's different... not exactly what I needed, but I'm thankful anyway.
So lucky to have my far away friends... Summer and Maggie. Thank goodness for technology and truly good people. Life savers.
And no one has to read or listen. I understand not wanting to... believe me.
SO. I ran out of Cymbalta (for my lows)... yeah, that drug that has the million page side effects listed in it's commercial. (Doc prescribed it after Luke passed.) I'm on a few like that. But Cymbalta is extremely expensive and since Luke passed, my insurance was canceled. I applied to get help with the cost, but haven't heard back.
Anyway, the long and the short of it is, it doesn't take long to feel the effects of going cold turkey. I've been told it takes weeks, which might be true for other anti-depressants, but is not true of this one or maybe it has to do with my situation. I'm about ten seconds to crying at any time. Meltdowns are much more likely.
I do wonder... my ex-friends liked to tell me that I was always depressed. Maybe. But I never felt depressed in Altanta or Cherokee. Or in high school- which is the only time they were around me. Many of them are on anti-depressants, which is fine. Maybe some of those on it are happier if they think others are, too. I don't know. I've just had a lot of shit happen to me in the past 5 years (quite a bit caused by those who want to condemn me). Sometimes sadness is just sadness!
One of them told my mother that I had "deep psychological issues"... of course, she's the looniest of the pack. It doesn't bother me that she said that... she wants company. I understand that. I'm pretty sure my Cherokee/Hill/Atlanta friends would never think to say that about me. Not before losing Luke, anyway, and goddamn it, I have reason to be a little off.
I told a Chaplin I spoke with, not long after Luke passed, and right after the girls turned away, my theory that they couldn't take the grief any more, but that admitting that, saying they needed a break from the grief, would mean a weakness in themselves. So instead they all turned on me. That was easiest thing for them to do. And all of them, one next to the other, had a hand on the back of the next, patting and saying, "You're right." The Chaplin smiled and nodded and commented that I was spiritually stronger than them. I liked the thought. But maybe it's just that I have a logical mind, which I know is true. It's what made the most sense.
And because I am not quiet about it. Because I've spoken my mind on Facebook (never saying a single name), it's made it even easier for them to stay away. Only one mutual friend has apologized to me and she really didn't have a reason to... maybe for things she'd thought about me. But the reason, of course, would be that those things were put in her mind by the girls. Girls that haven't really been around me since high school.
When a husband of theirs talks to me as if he has known me, I know they are saying all kinds of unkind things about me. Emphasizing differences in personality and condemning them to make themselves feel better about themselves and their actions. If I were to judge their differences, they'd never be able to take it. I know this because, in the past, they haven't even been able to take what I say as what I mean. They're extremely prone to take what I say and twist it, not actually listen to the words coming out of my mouth. They'd be better off to do so. I'd be better off for them to do so.
If you wonder who I am, ask my true friends... that know all my dirty business and STILL would never, EVER do what these women who claim to be so spiritual, and loving have done to me. And, yes, they have DONE this to me.
I keep telling myself that I think about it because it's easier than thinking about losing Luke, and that is very, very true. But it's times like these, when I go out the door, needing someone to talk to, that it hits me. The wrong they've done and refuse to admit. All but one of the ones that have defriended me (there were 3 that I know of) on Facebook are better out of my life and the separation is long overdue. Maybe that's true of all of them, but goddess help me, I still have the smallest benefit of the doubt for the others. Mothers, most of them, who may one day decide it's alright to think for themselves and not act like sheep.
I needed someone tonight. I needed a friend here in Louisville that I could talk to and NOT be judged, just comforted. There's only one I trust not to judge me, because he never has. Riad. But he's very busy. I'm sure there are people I know that would also not judge, but I'm not sure who they are. I know there are very nice, wonderful people locally who have told me on FB that they are there for me, and I appreciate it greatly. But most I haven't seen in years, and the few I have... I don't know. I'm gun shy. After what's happened with women I've known for 23 years who turned away from me right after my son's death... how can I know?
I went to a relatively new friend tonight. He likes me a lot, so he doesn't judge. Not so far. But it's different... not exactly what I needed, but I'm thankful anyway.
So lucky to have my far away friends... Summer and Maggie. Thank goodness for technology and truly good people. Life savers.