(no subject)
This morning I woke up feeling grumpy because I didn't get in last night until after midnight and I'm coming off of a retreat high. As in being surrounded by good friends for a week straight where we all ate at the same time, meditated at the same time, slept at the same time, etc. And so coming back to my real life I feel like weeping because I just don't want to be here, which actually isn't quite accurate. Because even nearly two years after the fact I felt my heart sing and my whole body relax as we flew into San Francisco California. It's like I felt as soon as the plane crossed into the CA border.
Mostly what's going on is I'm sad/annoyed/angry my life isn't going the way I want it to. It's something I've blogged about many times. Me wanting to control things, to create certain outcomes, to make my life go the way I think it should. And I'm sad because it's not. As I thought about this and held onto my frustration this morning, I started thinking about a conversation with a friend of mine, how intuition is tapping into the cosmic mind and syncing up with what's best for all parties involved, which is also the tenor of surrender. Then I realized my frustration? My anger? My sadness? Is all my doing. I'm making myself sad and angry and frustrated because of my ego-thoughts. I think my life should look like such and such. I think I should be seriously dating someone by now, etc. My "I" is making me miserable because in point of fact, while I am a co-creator of my life, the key prefix there is "co." The universe has a say in the matter as well. So instead of trying to make stuff happen, make my life look the way I think it should, I'd rather align my will with God's will. I'm much happier that way anyway. I'd rather align myself with what's in my best interest, which may look vastly different than what I think. I'd rather surrender my will and my life to the care of God knowing my life already looks exactly as it "should." Everything is already happening for a reason in my best interest.
My creator knows far more than I do about well, everything. My creator knows my needs/wants/desires but also can look into the future and see the consequences of those actions. I'd rather align myself to that than my own short-term gratification. Because really, really, when I look at my life it's pretty darn awesome because I've (mostly) surrendered myself to the cosmic will.
Mostly what's going on is I'm sad/annoyed/angry my life isn't going the way I want it to. It's something I've blogged about many times. Me wanting to control things, to create certain outcomes, to make my life go the way I think it should. And I'm sad because it's not. As I thought about this and held onto my frustration this morning, I started thinking about a conversation with a friend of mine, how intuition is tapping into the cosmic mind and syncing up with what's best for all parties involved, which is also the tenor of surrender. Then I realized my frustration? My anger? My sadness? Is all my doing. I'm making myself sad and angry and frustrated because of my ego-thoughts. I think my life should look like such and such. I think I should be seriously dating someone by now, etc. My "I" is making me miserable because in point of fact, while I am a co-creator of my life, the key prefix there is "co." The universe has a say in the matter as well. So instead of trying to make stuff happen, make my life look the way I think it should, I'd rather align my will with God's will. I'm much happier that way anyway. I'd rather align myself with what's in my best interest, which may look vastly different than what I think. I'd rather surrender my will and my life to the care of God knowing my life already looks exactly as it "should." Everything is already happening for a reason in my best interest.
My creator knows far more than I do about well, everything. My creator knows my needs/wants/desires but also can look into the future and see the consequences of those actions. I'd rather align myself to that than my own short-term gratification. Because really, really, when I look at my life it's pretty darn awesome because I've (mostly) surrendered myself to the cosmic will.