(no subject)
I'm starting to think I much preferred it when Jeremy didn't drink.
We were hanging out with Danni tonight (reasons I often think this is a bad idea is a story in and of itself), and Jeremy started talking about his family, and how they didn't know he was even slightly bisexual, or how he'd been drinking 30 shots every Friday night since October started. As with many of the other ominous things that have popped into my mind, the word "Running" just came into my mind and wouldn't leave me alone for a little while.
Because that's what he's doing. He's gone to counseling for this kind of thing before. At the beginning of the year, we had tons of drama, and he stopped drinking for a few weeks. In those few weeks, he made a ton of progress in figuring out who he was and who he wanted to be. And then the month ended, and he began drinking again. I learned what a drunk Jeremy looked like, and instantly disliked it. He's not an angry drunk. Nor is he a happy drunk. He's a drunk that has mood swings. One minute he'll be upset with himself and disappointed, and doesn't want you to have to see him like this, and hates that you're trying to take care of him, and then the next he'll be so glad you're there, and telling you you're the best friend ever, and all of this. Lately, however... he's just seemed more distant. He started telling me about how he gets into moods where he wants to be around women, and then moods where he wants to be around guys. And he tells me that when he wants to be around guys (when we hang out almost every day, he usually stays over, we talk well into the night, where I often studiously poke holes in his rather flimsy ideas about why he does the things he does), he just wants companionship. When he feels like he wants to be around women, however, he tells me how he wants companionship and more. Gets horny a lot. And then he tells me that when he wants to be around guys, that just... stops.
Which, honestly, is getting very frustrating. We made a major step when he wasn't drinking, and we haven't gotten up to that point more than twice since then. And what's worse is that he tried telling Danni that he was "straight-edge" (I corrected him after his misuse of the term) in all but drinking. I pointed out that he smoked, but he claimed to be straight-edge on sex. I tried my best not to glare at him. I get it, he likes Danni, but this needs to stop. But I digress.
The fact is... when he wasn't drinking, he seemed a bit more stressed, but he made progress. Now that he's drinking again, he seems less stressed, but more easily to anger. More closed off. He prides himself on making himself hard for me to read, and on being able to read me. It's pretty easy to tell when I'm upset. But apparently he couldn't tell that as we were walking home, I was keeping distant. We ended up splitting up early. One would think that after three days of not seeing me, he'd want to hang out for longer, or stay over, since we don't have to get up early tomorrow. Nope. He walked home. Probably to finish that twelve-pack of Killians.
I spoke to Kaly earlier today. I think she injected some common sense into me again, because I'm feeling a bit fed up again. I think Jeremy's worth waiting for, but if he doesn't want me to wait, why should I? You can't help someone who doesn't want it, right? Well, I'm thinking that since he has the crutch of drinking to fall back on to again, he's thinking that he doesn't have to deal with things if he doesn't want to. And he doesn't. Or, at least that's how it feels. He prides himself on his drinking stories. How many shots he did that night. What happened at the bar. What we're going to do on my 21st birthday.
Oddly, I'm not really looking forward to it now. Even with my brother coming down, I just don't want to see someone who I've become so close to do that to themselves again. As a performer at the Ren Faire this weekend said, in his case about quitting smoking, "don't quit for yourself, that won't work. Quit for your friends, your family, the people around you who you care about." I'm not entirely sure it's the drinking, but that's what it feels like, and it feels like it's tearing me apart. Jeremy's running, and I'm getting tired of chasing after him and trying to convince him to stop. It hurts, and despite the fact that I genuinely do want to help him, I'm not sure I can take it. I'm strong, but if he really, really doesn't want to stop, I'm not that strong.
I'm going to need to get him to come to his senses. I've had enough of running. Enough of waiting. Enough of chasing after him.
Sadly, I'm going to go to bed and probably say "oh, last night I was just overreacting" and forget about it. Or he and I will get to hang out and he'll finally notice something was wrong, and he'll apologize. I'll forgive him and say "See, he does still want my help". And I'll probably be wrong. I've been told I'm too nice. I'm starting to think people are right.
We were hanging out with Danni tonight (reasons I often think this is a bad idea is a story in and of itself), and Jeremy started talking about his family, and how they didn't know he was even slightly bisexual, or how he'd been drinking 30 shots every Friday night since October started. As with many of the other ominous things that have popped into my mind, the word "Running" just came into my mind and wouldn't leave me alone for a little while.
Because that's what he's doing. He's gone to counseling for this kind of thing before. At the beginning of the year, we had tons of drama, and he stopped drinking for a few weeks. In those few weeks, he made a ton of progress in figuring out who he was and who he wanted to be. And then the month ended, and he began drinking again. I learned what a drunk Jeremy looked like, and instantly disliked it. He's not an angry drunk. Nor is he a happy drunk. He's a drunk that has mood swings. One minute he'll be upset with himself and disappointed, and doesn't want you to have to see him like this, and hates that you're trying to take care of him, and then the next he'll be so glad you're there, and telling you you're the best friend ever, and all of this. Lately, however... he's just seemed more distant. He started telling me about how he gets into moods where he wants to be around women, and then moods where he wants to be around guys. And he tells me that when he wants to be around guys (when we hang out almost every day, he usually stays over, we talk well into the night, where I often studiously poke holes in his rather flimsy ideas about why he does the things he does), he just wants companionship. When he feels like he wants to be around women, however, he tells me how he wants companionship and more. Gets horny a lot. And then he tells me that when he wants to be around guys, that just... stops.
Which, honestly, is getting very frustrating. We made a major step when he wasn't drinking, and we haven't gotten up to that point more than twice since then. And what's worse is that he tried telling Danni that he was "straight-edge" (I corrected him after his misuse of the term) in all but drinking. I pointed out that he smoked, but he claimed to be straight-edge on sex. I tried my best not to glare at him. I get it, he likes Danni, but this needs to stop. But I digress.
The fact is... when he wasn't drinking, he seemed a bit more stressed, but he made progress. Now that he's drinking again, he seems less stressed, but more easily to anger. More closed off. He prides himself on making himself hard for me to read, and on being able to read me. It's pretty easy to tell when I'm upset. But apparently he couldn't tell that as we were walking home, I was keeping distant. We ended up splitting up early. One would think that after three days of not seeing me, he'd want to hang out for longer, or stay over, since we don't have to get up early tomorrow. Nope. He walked home. Probably to finish that twelve-pack of Killians.
I spoke to Kaly earlier today. I think she injected some common sense into me again, because I'm feeling a bit fed up again. I think Jeremy's worth waiting for, but if he doesn't want me to wait, why should I? You can't help someone who doesn't want it, right? Well, I'm thinking that since he has the crutch of drinking to fall back on to again, he's thinking that he doesn't have to deal with things if he doesn't want to. And he doesn't. Or, at least that's how it feels. He prides himself on his drinking stories. How many shots he did that night. What happened at the bar. What we're going to do on my 21st birthday.
Oddly, I'm not really looking forward to it now. Even with my brother coming down, I just don't want to see someone who I've become so close to do that to themselves again. As a performer at the Ren Faire this weekend said, in his case about quitting smoking, "don't quit for yourself, that won't work. Quit for your friends, your family, the people around you who you care about." I'm not entirely sure it's the drinking, but that's what it feels like, and it feels like it's tearing me apart. Jeremy's running, and I'm getting tired of chasing after him and trying to convince him to stop. It hurts, and despite the fact that I genuinely do want to help him, I'm not sure I can take it. I'm strong, but if he really, really doesn't want to stop, I'm not that strong.
I'm going to need to get him to come to his senses. I've had enough of running. Enough of waiting. Enough of chasing after him.
Sadly, I'm going to go to bed and probably say "oh, last night I was just overreacting" and forget about it. Or he and I will get to hang out and he'll finally notice something was wrong, and he'll apologize. I'll forgive him and say "See, he does still want my help". And I'll probably be wrong. I've been told I'm too nice. I'm starting to think people are right.