... redux
Jeremy and I had a conversation this afternoon, about some of the stuff in my previous post. I started the conversation in a similar fashion to what I had planned, and the question became a recurring theme in the conversation: Are you happy with who you are? At first, his answer was yes, but as we went on, we discovered a few things he's not happy about, or things he's insecure about.
We skirted the issue of his sexuality for a while before we finally settled in on it. We talked about his family, how he'd suffered some emotional abuse as he was growing up, and about his drinking. On the topic of sexuality however, I got him to answer an important question. Early on in our friendship, he'd told me that he was interested in experimenting sexually. We messed around a bit, but never got very far. Since the beginning, he's had a problem just letting himself go and actually saying he is horny, or whatnot. I finally got him to say that right now he's less interested in determining whether he's interested in guys physically and more interested in figuring out if he's attracted to guys emotionally. I told him that it was easy to figure out if you are attracted to guys physically, but considerably more difficult to figure out if you're attracted to them emotionally. He's taking time to himself, and I'm trying to figure out how to proceed.
Over the course of our conversation, I realized that I was expecting too much from him. I have been from the beginning, or I've been expecting him to figure it out too quickly. Now that he's decided which path he wants to go down, I can cut a few of things I've been thinking about a lot out of the list. I need to cut down on some of my lust, since he's more interested in figuring out his feelings, rather than feeling... well, you know. I can't decide whether it's a good idea to back off and give him space (which we said would probably make us drift apart further) or if I should hang out with him as much as I currently do (which I've pretty much said might lull me into a false sense of security that nothing really has changed and he's still interested in what he seemed to be before). I know I can't really force him to make a decision, but he said, in so many words, that he still wants my help. I made him realize that he'd been getting off track, in a number of ways. He's got a lot to think about again, and hopefully he'll digest it and come up with his own conclusions, but until then, I'm pretty much lost again.
I'm open to suggestions if anyone's got them. Until then, I guess I'll go read some of the philosophy books that are sitting on my shelf. Maybe they'll be able to help, but somehow, I'm not entirely sure.
We skirted the issue of his sexuality for a while before we finally settled in on it. We talked about his family, how he'd suffered some emotional abuse as he was growing up, and about his drinking. On the topic of sexuality however, I got him to answer an important question. Early on in our friendship, he'd told me that he was interested in experimenting sexually. We messed around a bit, but never got very far. Since the beginning, he's had a problem just letting himself go and actually saying he is horny, or whatnot. I finally got him to say that right now he's less interested in determining whether he's interested in guys physically and more interested in figuring out if he's attracted to guys emotionally. I told him that it was easy to figure out if you are attracted to guys physically, but considerably more difficult to figure out if you're attracted to them emotionally. He's taking time to himself, and I'm trying to figure out how to proceed.
Over the course of our conversation, I realized that I was expecting too much from him. I have been from the beginning, or I've been expecting him to figure it out too quickly. Now that he's decided which path he wants to go down, I can cut a few of things I've been thinking about a lot out of the list. I need to cut down on some of my lust, since he's more interested in figuring out his feelings, rather than feeling... well, you know. I can't decide whether it's a good idea to back off and give him space (which we said would probably make us drift apart further) or if I should hang out with him as much as I currently do (which I've pretty much said might lull me into a false sense of security that nothing really has changed and he's still interested in what he seemed to be before). I know I can't really force him to make a decision, but he said, in so many words, that he still wants my help. I made him realize that he'd been getting off track, in a number of ways. He's got a lot to think about again, and hopefully he'll digest it and come up with his own conclusions, but until then, I'm pretty much lost again.
I'm open to suggestions if anyone's got them. Until then, I guess I'll go read some of the philosophy books that are sitting on my shelf. Maybe they'll be able to help, but somehow, I'm not entirely sure.