(no subject)
Am I being selfish and childish, or am I just doing what any semi-sane person would do in this situation? Either way, I think Jack was right. Again with the other people being right thing. Jack was right to not want to be my first. Being someone's first, if they're not yours, is a very... interesting... place to be. They think they're in love with you, and it's novel to them, so they think it'll last through all time (cue the Petrarchans) and you've been through something like that before, so you know that it's entirely possible it won't work out. Even if the other person's been in a relationship before, sex adds a new aspect to everything. Suddenly they've discovered a new type of sensation and they don't want to let it go, and so their brain adds that 'EMOTION!' to the relationship.
So... am I being selfish in having wanted that for myself, or in that I think I'm waiting for something to go wrong between them so I can show Sean that he should be interested in a person for them as a person, and not them as a warm body?
My tendency to obsess is once again rearing its ugly head, and I'm beginning to think that remaining such a close friend (and I mean close in that we are together a lot) to Sean (and thereby Kristi) is a bad idea, because all it seems to do is get me deeper into a rivalry with Kristi, and seems to be leading me on to further false hope that he might actually want me. He admitted to me that he would hang out with me, and would probably have liked trying things out with me, but I was offended that I was somehow not good enough for him to date. I think I've come to terms with this. At the same time, that little voice in the back of my head is yelling "He only didn't get together with you because he slept with her! If you'd just screwed him that night, he'd have stayed with you!" and all I can tell that voice is that I wanted Sean to be a friend, possibly a boyfriend, and not just someone attached to me because I'd screwed him.
Anyway... I met Kristi and Sean yesterday after class and we met up with Charles to head over to Belladonnas, a cute little new age shop near campus, where we all bought shiny things. After this, we headed to Charles' place, watched some stuff on his computer (and, as it turns out, even Charles seemed to think Sean was pretty cool) and then headed to Sean's dorm to get something for Charles. While there, we did some Tarot readings. Suffice it to say that when Kristi's was read, I thought her entire love column was completely accurate in describing her personality and how I felt about the situation, but they seemed to miss that she was currently in a relationship. My cards, on the other hand pretty much said that my life kind of sucked, I was miffed about my current situation, and that some fears were waying me down, but in the end things would get better. I can't remember everything correctly, but I do know that the card that represented me was 'Death', and 'the Devil' popped up someplace. Either way, it seemed the cards were painting my life rather accurately, except that they scared me. Somehow, I guess some pessimism popped up in me yesterday, because I went around contemplating just how general the meanings of the cards were, and then realizing just how placebo most of the things we all bought at the new age store were. Oh well.
Apparently I'm off to my first gay bar tonight, so we'll see how that goes. Somehow, I get the foreboding feeling that things will not go well. Of course, I've had those feelings a lot, and often things turned out pretty well. We'll see, I guess.
So... am I being selfish in having wanted that for myself, or in that I think I'm waiting for something to go wrong between them so I can show Sean that he should be interested in a person for them as a person, and not them as a warm body?
My tendency to obsess is once again rearing its ugly head, and I'm beginning to think that remaining such a close friend (and I mean close in that we are together a lot) to Sean (and thereby Kristi) is a bad idea, because all it seems to do is get me deeper into a rivalry with Kristi, and seems to be leading me on to further false hope that he might actually want me. He admitted to me that he would hang out with me, and would probably have liked trying things out with me, but I was offended that I was somehow not good enough for him to date. I think I've come to terms with this. At the same time, that little voice in the back of my head is yelling "He only didn't get together with you because he slept with her! If you'd just screwed him that night, he'd have stayed with you!" and all I can tell that voice is that I wanted Sean to be a friend, possibly a boyfriend, and not just someone attached to me because I'd screwed him.
Anyway... I met Kristi and Sean yesterday after class and we met up with Charles to head over to Belladonnas, a cute little new age shop near campus, where we all bought shiny things. After this, we headed to Charles' place, watched some stuff on his computer (and, as it turns out, even Charles seemed to think Sean was pretty cool) and then headed to Sean's dorm to get something for Charles. While there, we did some Tarot readings. Suffice it to say that when Kristi's was read, I thought her entire love column was completely accurate in describing her personality and how I felt about the situation, but they seemed to miss that she was currently in a relationship. My cards, on the other hand pretty much said that my life kind of sucked, I was miffed about my current situation, and that some fears were waying me down, but in the end things would get better. I can't remember everything correctly, but I do know that the card that represented me was 'Death', and 'the Devil' popped up someplace. Either way, it seemed the cards were painting my life rather accurately, except that they scared me. Somehow, I guess some pessimism popped up in me yesterday, because I went around contemplating just how general the meanings of the cards were, and then realizing just how placebo most of the things we all bought at the new age store were. Oh well.
Apparently I'm off to my first gay bar tonight, so we'll see how that goes. Somehow, I get the foreboding feeling that things will not go well. Of course, I've had those feelings a lot, and often things turned out pretty well. We'll see, I guess.