New Drama: a follow-up
So it finally happened. Choices were made. All the expected outcomes occurred, save one. Yes, I'm mad, but I'm surprisingly over it. I can stay his friend, and there will always be that dull ache in me that wanted something more, but so long as I'm not seeing the two of them together, I can do this, and, eventually, I might get used to the idea.
Or I can be a vindictive asshole and plant the seeds of destruction by just hinting she might be cheating on him. But I'm seriously trying not to be an asshole. When I fall for people, I fall hard, and even after what we have is ended, I (usually) still care for them deeply. I still worry about Jack even though he's far away. I still think about Chris from time to time, hoping things are going well for him. I still talk to EJ, of course, so I don't need to worry about him, and he's doing well anyway, so that's good.
I should be happy for Sean. And I will be, as soon as I'm done being mad for myself. And that's a surprisingly less-difficult process this time around. This could be because I've decided to stay his friend (because, surprise-surprise, he actually does seem to notice being around him when he's with her makes me uncomfortable, and, you know, he didn't just ditch me like Jack did) and because I knew what the outcome would be earlier on. I knew what choice he would make, now I'm just a bit disappointed it took the two of them this long to decide, and that he led me along the entire time this was going on. I guess it all came to a head last night.
She was going home to visit a doctor because she tore a ligament in her foot. Her ex drove her. Sean and I hung out and messaged her while they were driving and when she got home, and she said she realized she was no longer interested in Joe in any way, and I asked Sean if I could talk to her for a bit, so I told her to tell him, and that the longer she waited, the worse it would be. After a bit, she told me something along the lines of: "No offense, but this really doesn't concern you." I took this in both the general and the specific sense, so my response was: "Understood, however, it sort of does, since I'm interested in Sean." To which she gave no reply. I hung out with Sean a bit more and then headed to do some work. Eventually, we started talking on AIM, and I asked him what he would do if she didn't choose Joe, and he said he would probably date her, and I asked questions like why he was interested in her, and eventually what I got was this: That he liked hanging out with me, and probably would have given a physical relationship a try, but that was all. Shortly after, he told me that the two of them were getting together, but he had wanted to wait until he saw me face-to-face to tell me. So I called him an ass, signed off, and stormed my way to Stephanie's apartment.
We grabbed food and then wandered, and it was all very therapeutic. I got to be emo, she got to help me through something, and then the night was pretty much over for me.
I saw them this morning, for lunch, and that was all well and good, except for the whole 'I swear if they're too affectionate I'm going to puke' feeling in my gut. Thankfully, though they are "dating" (note the quotations) they weren't exactly amorous. Hell, he didn't even sit next to her, and apparently my staring off into space and being pretty quiet tipped them off to the fact that I was unhappy, and the whole situation ended up rather awkward, which I totally see as a victory, for some reason. The most affectionate thing I saw was her holding his hand and calling him "dear". I'd like to think that the churning feeling in my stomach was less "I'm jealous of the two of you" and more of a "I seriously think you're making a mistake, Sean, and I wish I could help you see that." I will admit that I'm jealous, but then all I have to do is look at her and realize "Oh, right. She's really not that great. Sure, I can tolerate her, but she's really nothing to be jealous of."
Personal victories? I forgot to count them, but there are a few. And I got to be legitimately emo, so things are working out. I guess now all I need to do is actually work on that whole 'being somewhat more social' thing, because it seriously sucks to be left alone all weekend when he three people I know all have things to do.
Oh well. The drama is pretty much over. Now I guess I get to be a bit of a third wheel, unless Sean gets the hint that she makes me uncomfortable. I'd like to talk to the both of them, but I'd rather talk to the two of them separate from one another, and I'd never get her alone long enough to actually say things to her, so I'll probably just give up on that. So yeah... Drama's settled. Mostly. I could probably still make waves, but all I can see that doing is making me look like a jerk.
So, for now, I'll sit back, relax, and listen to some nice up-beat music while I wait for my computer science project to make sense in my brain, so I can put it down as code.
Sebastian, over and out.
Or I can be a vindictive asshole and plant the seeds of destruction by just hinting she might be cheating on him. But I'm seriously trying not to be an asshole. When I fall for people, I fall hard, and even after what we have is ended, I (usually) still care for them deeply. I still worry about Jack even though he's far away. I still think about Chris from time to time, hoping things are going well for him. I still talk to EJ, of course, so I don't need to worry about him, and he's doing well anyway, so that's good.
I should be happy for Sean. And I will be, as soon as I'm done being mad for myself. And that's a surprisingly less-difficult process this time around. This could be because I've decided to stay his friend (because, surprise-surprise, he actually does seem to notice being around him when he's with her makes me uncomfortable, and, you know, he didn't just ditch me like Jack did) and because I knew what the outcome would be earlier on. I knew what choice he would make, now I'm just a bit disappointed it took the two of them this long to decide, and that he led me along the entire time this was going on. I guess it all came to a head last night.
She was going home to visit a doctor because she tore a ligament in her foot. Her ex drove her. Sean and I hung out and messaged her while they were driving and when she got home, and she said she realized she was no longer interested in Joe in any way, and I asked Sean if I could talk to her for a bit, so I told her to tell him, and that the longer she waited, the worse it would be. After a bit, she told me something along the lines of: "No offense, but this really doesn't concern you." I took this in both the general and the specific sense, so my response was: "Understood, however, it sort of does, since I'm interested in Sean." To which she gave no reply. I hung out with Sean a bit more and then headed to do some work. Eventually, we started talking on AIM, and I asked him what he would do if she didn't choose Joe, and he said he would probably date her, and I asked questions like why he was interested in her, and eventually what I got was this: That he liked hanging out with me, and probably would have given a physical relationship a try, but that was all. Shortly after, he told me that the two of them were getting together, but he had wanted to wait until he saw me face-to-face to tell me. So I called him an ass, signed off, and stormed my way to Stephanie's apartment.
We grabbed food and then wandered, and it was all very therapeutic. I got to be emo, she got to help me through something, and then the night was pretty much over for me.
I saw them this morning, for lunch, and that was all well and good, except for the whole 'I swear if they're too affectionate I'm going to puke' feeling in my gut. Thankfully, though they are "dating" (note the quotations) they weren't exactly amorous. Hell, he didn't even sit next to her, and apparently my staring off into space and being pretty quiet tipped them off to the fact that I was unhappy, and the whole situation ended up rather awkward, which I totally see as a victory, for some reason. The most affectionate thing I saw was her holding his hand and calling him "dear". I'd like to think that the churning feeling in my stomach was less "I'm jealous of the two of you" and more of a "I seriously think you're making a mistake, Sean, and I wish I could help you see that." I will admit that I'm jealous, but then all I have to do is look at her and realize "Oh, right. She's really not that great. Sure, I can tolerate her, but she's really nothing to be jealous of."
Personal victories? I forgot to count them, but there are a few. And I got to be legitimately emo, so things are working out. I guess now all I need to do is actually work on that whole 'being somewhat more social' thing, because it seriously sucks to be left alone all weekend when he three people I know all have things to do.
Oh well. The drama is pretty much over. Now I guess I get to be a bit of a third wheel, unless Sean gets the hint that she makes me uncomfortable. I'd like to talk to the both of them, but I'd rather talk to the two of them separate from one another, and I'd never get her alone long enough to actually say things to her, so I'll probably just give up on that. So yeah... Drama's settled. Mostly. I could probably still make waves, but all I can see that doing is making me look like a jerk.
So, for now, I'll sit back, relax, and listen to some nice up-beat music while I wait for my computer science project to make sense in my brain, so I can put it down as code.
Sebastian, over and out.