Bah humbug
I'm sitting in the bedroom my sister and I share whenever we're both at my parent's. It's mostly hers, I have a loft bed over her bookshelves and desk and that's it, so I'm poking through her yearbooks and photo albums and feeling bad about myself.
I don't make or keep friends easily. I am distrustful, I don't tell people the really intimate things about myself. I don't take many risks, even the really simple ones like joining clubs or introducing myself. I'm loud, verbose and join conversations with ease but I don't tell people my name, and once I say my piece I wander off. I guess that's how I've gotten this small reputation for being unknowable, an enigma. And my contrary habit of both jumping into a conversation but also being reserved means I also get a large reputation for weirdness, for social awkwardness.
I often feel like an island, alone and distant from other people. Especially when I compare myself to my sister. My successful, brilliant little sister. She's popular, she has best friends, she gets straight A's, she's stunningly pretty, teachers love her and sadness doesn't derail her like it does to me. I'm very jealous. Next to her I feel hopelessly mediocre, flawed and without merit. My accomplishments feel false and my strengths look exaggerated when I stand next to her.
And it hurts to know how MISSED she will be in the end. She's a joiner, she has all types of friends and she's so motivated to DO things. Her life is documented by her friends, friends she sees and talks to daily. Comparatively mine is only documented by me. At the end of our lives, she will leave behind boxes of letters, photos, and memorabilia, and I will only leave behind boxes of journals and sketchbooks. She has two best friends and a boyfriend, I have a boyfriend and a handful of people I call my best friends because I'm not closer to anyone else. Maybe I'm best friends with my boyfriend. I don't know. We're starting to get even closer, maybe this means we're best friends.
I don't make attachments. This is because I am horribly afraid of being hurt, of being abandoned. Of loving someone - platonically included - and then that person stabbing me in the back. I change up my social circle so frequently because of this and when I think of it I feel so very lonely. You can't have it both ways, you know? You can't be safe from being hurt and be intimately attached to someone.
But it's scary.
I don't see this being resolved any time soon.
- Posted from my iPhone when I really shouldn't be blogging, with Blogpress App.
I don't make or keep friends easily. I am distrustful, I don't tell people the really intimate things about myself. I don't take many risks, even the really simple ones like joining clubs or introducing myself. I'm loud, verbose and join conversations with ease but I don't tell people my name, and once I say my piece I wander off. I guess that's how I've gotten this small reputation for being unknowable, an enigma. And my contrary habit of both jumping into a conversation but also being reserved means I also get a large reputation for weirdness, for social awkwardness.
I often feel like an island, alone and distant from other people. Especially when I compare myself to my sister. My successful, brilliant little sister. She's popular, she has best friends, she gets straight A's, she's stunningly pretty, teachers love her and sadness doesn't derail her like it does to me. I'm very jealous. Next to her I feel hopelessly mediocre, flawed and without merit. My accomplishments feel false and my strengths look exaggerated when I stand next to her.
And it hurts to know how MISSED she will be in the end. She's a joiner, she has all types of friends and she's so motivated to DO things. Her life is documented by her friends, friends she sees and talks to daily. Comparatively mine is only documented by me. At the end of our lives, she will leave behind boxes of letters, photos, and memorabilia, and I will only leave behind boxes of journals and sketchbooks. She has two best friends and a boyfriend, I have a boyfriend and a handful of people I call my best friends because I'm not closer to anyone else. Maybe I'm best friends with my boyfriend. I don't know. We're starting to get even closer, maybe this means we're best friends.
I don't make attachments. This is because I am horribly afraid of being hurt, of being abandoned. Of loving someone - platonically included - and then that person stabbing me in the back. I change up my social circle so frequently because of this and when I think of it I feel so very lonely. You can't have it both ways, you know? You can't be safe from being hurt and be intimately attached to someone.
But it's scary.
I don't see this being resolved any time soon.
- Posted from my iPhone when I really shouldn't be blogging, with Blogpress App.