Old Boy's Club
I feel like I was possibly disingenuous with my last post. Yes, being a teenager sucks. Yes, being not-a-teenager is so much fucking better I swear. But it's not like everything's perfect. Your personal issues don't just magically go away when you turn twenty. It's just then your hormones die down, and EVERYTHING seems a little less intense and terrible. Which is a relief.
What doesn't change is how you have dealt with intense and terrible things. For instance,at 14 I was A Cutter. Except it was less cutting and more poking really fine holes in my fingertips and legs. And I also spent most of my 15th year either starving or throwing up after eating. 16 and 17 I spent in an fugue of depression and abusing my ADHD meds and taking benedryl which made my blood pressure drop in silly ways. 18 and 19 I went away from that, mostly. Except cutting turned to pinching, my ED stopped focusing on food and more on exercise (ineffectively, I never really went full on obsessive exercise but I bet with similar stressors as when I was 15 it could have) and I also started college which meant ALCOHOL! WHOOO!
Now I'm mostly sane. Except not. When upset I have the alarming compulsion to cut or throw up and then drink a lot. Or to drive off a bridge. They're mostly easy to suppress or side track (pinching).
I'm bringing this up because it has come to my attention that my totally sane and normal and GENIUS baby sister is affected by copious amounts of sexism in her engineering program at her university and it's depressing. And then I got into a fight with my boyfriend because he said a shitty thing in reference to it trying to be funny when it was just Really Not Okay. And after being pulled into a hug after he saw my deadened youjustsaidahorriblething face all I wanted to do was throw up. Except it had been 3 hours since I had eaten (a half of a medium pizza) and while that WAS a lot of food, by then it would have gone out of my system. And then I wanted to cut and was wondering where I could cut where he wouldn't notice during sex. And then I was wondering if there was a way I could kill myself tonight that would be quick and relatively painless.
Instead I decided to come home and write about it. Progress! (Also suppressing)
I'm generally down on myself now because I'm not in ROTC anymore and I'm getting squishy so I feel all fat and ugly and I hate having sex with the light on now. I feel antisexy. I'm pretty sure it's negatively affecting my ability to orgasm. And then sexism against my sister. And then stupid boy statements. And so basically I hate life. And myself. And my body. And want to punish it.
You must be wondering how this is better than how adolescence felt. Well, I used to feel like this every goddamn day. Nowadays I just feel this way every few days. Which is a vast improvement, since I was never happy and constantly self-loathy rather than intermittently.
Sometimes I seriously wonder why I never committed suicide in high school. And then I remember it was because I was a coward.
LIVEJOURNAL! where you can put your suicidal thoughts and feelings to a page and no one gives a goddamn shit because everyone does!
But seriously, don't track my IP address and call 911. I'm not going to kill myself. Also I have a super important exam tomorrow and can't afford to be put up in the local psychiatric hospital. I doubt I'll have a make-up exam if that happens, and then my life is ruined and I'd really have a reason to act on my suicidal ideation.
What doesn't change is how you have dealt with intense and terrible things. For instance,at 14 I was A Cutter. Except it was less cutting and more poking really fine holes in my fingertips and legs. And I also spent most of my 15th year either starving or throwing up after eating. 16 and 17 I spent in an fugue of depression and abusing my ADHD meds and taking benedryl which made my blood pressure drop in silly ways. 18 and 19 I went away from that, mostly. Except cutting turned to pinching, my ED stopped focusing on food and more on exercise (ineffectively, I never really went full on obsessive exercise but I bet with similar stressors as when I was 15 it could have) and I also started college which meant ALCOHOL! WHOOO!
Now I'm mostly sane. Except not. When upset I have the alarming compulsion to cut or throw up and then drink a lot. Or to drive off a bridge. They're mostly easy to suppress or side track (pinching).
I'm bringing this up because it has come to my attention that my totally sane and normal and GENIUS baby sister is affected by copious amounts of sexism in her engineering program at her university and it's depressing. And then I got into a fight with my boyfriend because he said a shitty thing in reference to it trying to be funny when it was just Really Not Okay. And after being pulled into a hug after he saw my deadened youjustsaidahorriblething face all I wanted to do was throw up. Except it had been 3 hours since I had eaten (a half of a medium pizza) and while that WAS a lot of food, by then it would have gone out of my system. And then I wanted to cut and was wondering where I could cut where he wouldn't notice during sex. And then I was wondering if there was a way I could kill myself tonight that would be quick and relatively painless.
Instead I decided to come home and write about it. Progress! (Also suppressing)
I'm generally down on myself now because I'm not in ROTC anymore and I'm getting squishy so I feel all fat and ugly and I hate having sex with the light on now. I feel antisexy. I'm pretty sure it's negatively affecting my ability to orgasm. And then sexism against my sister. And then stupid boy statements. And so basically I hate life. And myself. And my body. And want to punish it.
You must be wondering how this is better than how adolescence felt. Well, I used to feel like this every goddamn day. Nowadays I just feel this way every few days. Which is a vast improvement, since I was never happy and constantly self-loathy rather than intermittently.
Sometimes I seriously wonder why I never committed suicide in high school. And then I remember it was because I was a coward.
LIVEJOURNAL! where you can put your suicidal thoughts and feelings to a page and no one gives a goddamn shit because everyone does!
But seriously, don't track my IP address and call 911. I'm not going to kill myself. Also I have a super important exam tomorrow and can't afford to be put up in the local psychiatric hospital. I doubt I'll have a make-up exam if that happens, and then my life is ruined and I'd really have a reason to act on my suicidal ideation.