the important thoughts never make it to lj, anyways...
The past few days have been one of those semi-slowdowns in which one can gather a breathe or so, and with that a smidgen of perspective. Nonetheless, it is not a restful period. It is not a time to retire and reflect; it is literally a small breathe of acknowledgement, a moment of slowing down, drinking water, and continuing on the endlessly spinning wheels of modernity.
But are the wheels spinning endlessly, in vain? Am I that metaphoric gerbil?
Again, there is a slowdown. But it is not the end of mania, it is not the end of an intense period of labor. It merely is part of a slowdown, a hiccup in a period of great activity.
This moment found me interacting with a friend I've now had for 9 years (the anniversary of our meeting is around this time, and is definitely within a week, plus or minus a few days, of writing this). She is a wonderfully amazing person. The comment thread I have been engaging in with mostuncertain strikes a chord.
Sobriety is well. My mental health is still a struggle, but I am coming to accept that because of who I am, it will always be a focal point of concern.
While there is acceptance and a realisation of limits on one hand, there is, on the other, a fear that it means I have given in, that I have caved. To use a phrase from an era that keeps popping up: it means "selling out to the man."
But it really isn't that. It simply means I am a bit more mature; that I am no longer, purposefully and willfully the crank that everyone derides. I no longer have to shout, partly because all that shouting wears one out and partly because I really don't have anything that earth-shattering to share. Certainly there is an audience for it, but it is not all 7 people people out there. I don't need a soapbox. I have resigned from the debating society.
I'll leave with this: I am often beholden to attempting to bifurcate all of life into black and white situations, or as a friend called them, false dichotomies. One of the more commonplace dichotomies I engage in is the issue of theory v practice. Are the two inseparable? No. I spent years theorizing about the perfect life, only to find it never fit with my reality.
Post-gastric, and now with 10 months of sobriety, I have reevaluated theory and practice. They are no longer artificially constructed opposites, as they flow and work together. Where once there was division, there is a greater sense of unity.
I don't know how to describe or convey that things really are different. Something is different...even if my words cannot convey it. I'm finally living life and truthfully, like I've always been told, it is far less scary to live it, then it is to sit on the sidelines and judge. It feels good to live.
But are the wheels spinning endlessly, in vain? Am I that metaphoric gerbil?
Again, there is a slowdown. But it is not the end of mania, it is not the end of an intense period of labor. It merely is part of a slowdown, a hiccup in a period of great activity.
This moment found me interacting with a friend I've now had for 9 years (the anniversary of our meeting is around this time, and is definitely within a week, plus or minus a few days, of writing this). She is a wonderfully amazing person. The comment thread I have been engaging in with mostuncertain strikes a chord.
Sobriety is well. My mental health is still a struggle, but I am coming to accept that because of who I am, it will always be a focal point of concern.
While there is acceptance and a realisation of limits on one hand, there is, on the other, a fear that it means I have given in, that I have caved. To use a phrase from an era that keeps popping up: it means "selling out to the man."
But it really isn't that. It simply means I am a bit more mature; that I am no longer, purposefully and willfully the crank that everyone derides. I no longer have to shout, partly because all that shouting wears one out and partly because I really don't have anything that earth-shattering to share. Certainly there is an audience for it, but it is not all 7 people people out there. I don't need a soapbox. I have resigned from the debating society.
I'll leave with this: I am often beholden to attempting to bifurcate all of life into black and white situations, or as a friend called them, false dichotomies. One of the more commonplace dichotomies I engage in is the issue of theory v practice. Are the two inseparable? No. I spent years theorizing about the perfect life, only to find it never fit with my reality.
Post-gastric, and now with 10 months of sobriety, I have reevaluated theory and practice. They are no longer artificially constructed opposites, as they flow and work together. Where once there was division, there is a greater sense of unity.
I don't know how to describe or convey that things really are different. Something is different...even if my words cannot convey it. I'm finally living life and truthfully, like I've always been told, it is far less scary to live it, then it is to sit on the sidelines and judge. It feels good to live.