sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner....
I blame myself for what I'm feeling right now. That, and the fact that I'm human. I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does...
Today I went to the casino. See, I happen to love playing cards and have this crazy notion that, perhaps, sometime, I may just win. Today was not one of those times. In fact, as mom kindly pointed out a fact I could have figured out had I done the math, today was the last trip for a while. In other words, I am broke as fuck for the foreseeable future and STILL owe Wes forty dollars. Hopefully I can convince mom to let me pay him back on Monday. Assuming we can afford it. SIGH.
As the title indicates, and the mood, and the tags, I'm filled with loneliness right now. Last night I felt that existential malaise envelope me before I went to bed. I slept like a rock, thank god. I hadn't taken my Seroquel in a few nights, so when I go to take it after a few days absence it really affects me. It wasn't as bad as it gets, but it felt pretty awful.
What happens, is during twilight hours, I'll toss and turn in bed, cursing the fact that I have nothing to do and praying for sleep. Meanwhile, my thoughts meander and the restlessness gets to me. I start thinking about the what-if's of life. I think back to all my failures, and successes, and everything. I think about how happy I've been without Jesika, but how much I miss her at the same time. I think about September 22nd, 2004. I think about October 16th, 2003. Or, even more relevant today --August 7th, 1999. I think about these dates and others. The pivots of my own personal history.
And all I feel is a wistful emptiness, a restlessness that will never let up. It makes me want to cry, but I can't do that. Instead, I turn the other cheek --quite literally -- and flip over. And then I start on the same vein again. And I flip over. And over. Over and over. The thoughts coming at me like a racing train. At this point, I usually just want to scream. Sometimes, I turn my face to the pillow and I do scream. But, most of the time, I just lay there.
I never claimed to be an agent of anything. In fact, I'm quite the opposite.
SIGH.
I guess what I'm saying is, even though I never mention it, I get awfully lonely sometimes.
Today I went to the casino. See, I happen to love playing cards and have this crazy notion that, perhaps, sometime, I may just win. Today was not one of those times. In fact, as mom kindly pointed out a fact I could have figured out had I done the math, today was the last trip for a while. In other words, I am broke as fuck for the foreseeable future and STILL owe Wes forty dollars. Hopefully I can convince mom to let me pay him back on Monday. Assuming we can afford it. SIGH.
As the title indicates, and the mood, and the tags, I'm filled with loneliness right now. Last night I felt that existential malaise envelope me before I went to bed. I slept like a rock, thank god. I hadn't taken my Seroquel in a few nights, so when I go to take it after a few days absence it really affects me. It wasn't as bad as it gets, but it felt pretty awful.
What happens, is during twilight hours, I'll toss and turn in bed, cursing the fact that I have nothing to do and praying for sleep. Meanwhile, my thoughts meander and the restlessness gets to me. I start thinking about the what-if's of life. I think back to all my failures, and successes, and everything. I think about how happy I've been without Jesika, but how much I miss her at the same time. I think about September 22nd, 2004. I think about October 16th, 2003. Or, even more relevant today --August 7th, 1999. I think about these dates and others. The pivots of my own personal history.
And all I feel is a wistful emptiness, a restlessness that will never let up. It makes me want to cry, but I can't do that. Instead, I turn the other cheek --quite literally -- and flip over. And then I start on the same vein again. And I flip over. And over. Over and over. The thoughts coming at me like a racing train. At this point, I usually just want to scream. Sometimes, I turn my face to the pillow and I do scream. But, most of the time, I just lay there.
I never claimed to be an agent of anything. In fact, I'm quite the opposite.
SIGH.
I guess what I'm saying is, even though I never mention it, I get awfully lonely sometimes.