Myriad Announcements

[kikuko_kamimura]

1. Yes, I'm still alive.

2. Yes, all I do is work. But, my first project is now available as a free download both on the AppStore and Google Play: My Forged Wedding: PARTY. So if you're into romance sim type stuff and want to try it out, I would appreciate it! (There are in-app purchases for extra illustrations and whatnot, but I don't expect

Comments

[jadesun]

Hey, you. It's been forever since I've been on LJ because my life has been so stagnate and boring and depressing... as well as the fact that no one updates anymore and I figured it was pretty dead around here. BUT I saw your FB post and went "hey, if she's posted, I go read it!" and so I read a few of your posts, back to when you got hired at your current company. Then I couldn't help myself wanting to "talk" with you here because... well, I can empathize in so many ways, and I remember how isolated and lonely I felt in Nagasaki doing nothing but working all week, and using the weekends to just try and get enough sleep to do it all again the next week (@_

[jadesun]

Also, there are times when I feel such nostalgia for Japan it hurts, and I REALLY want to go back. But I can never forget the severe emotional damage from those 2 years. I can't forget the hurtful things that happened, the prejudice, the isolation. I know the people in Tokyo are far more outwardly awful and rude than in the countryside, but I think I prefer it. Because they aren't lying to you. If you get past their prejudice, if they finally accept you, it's obvious. It's far better than the politely veiled immovable racism that I got from the other teachers in the countryside...especially when they tricked me into thinking they gave a damn and then showed their true colors and lack of empathy and understanding when I really needed to depend on them and tried to be friends. That betrayal was far worse than blatant disgust

[kikuko_kamimura]

I totally agree with people in the cities vs. Inaka People. I think some of it is the small town thing, where since there is literally nothing to do, people in small towns give so much more of a shit about people's personal lives--and you, as the foreigner, just have the disadvantage of being instantly recognizable, so anything you do is under scrutiny--and of course, they expect you to be this Flawless Ambassador of Every White Person Ever (regardless of where you are from or what color skin you actually have), but of course when you are a decent, intelligent, articulate person, that doesn't change their opinion of foreigners, and therefore doesn't change their opinion of you

[jadesun]

It's nice to finally talk to someone who gets how it feels... just to have that sense of being understood. Everything you said it exactly right. Especially the insincere invitations, and invitations to things 'because other foreigners are involved'. I don't want to get involved because other foreigners are there. If I wanted only "foreign" friends, I wouldn't be in Japan- I'd have stayed in the States! God, what a leap of logic that is, huh? I have such a love-hate relationship with Japanese people: I want to be their friend so badly and make a home for myself there, but because they're generally so racist, they make it almost impossible... which in turn makes me so angry at them. Why can't they just accept my admiration for parts of their culture, but accept that it's not perfect and the only thing worth recognizing on this whole planet? Why can't they just accept my existence and friendship and let me live peacefully with them? UGH

[kikuko_kamimura]

You know, I think I've just stopped trying to discuss some things, and started to look at friendships the way that I've always viewed lending out money: don't even bother doing it in the first place if you expect to get anything back, or think you'll be hurt too much when you don't, because it's not worth doing in the first place

[kikuko_kamimura]

But, you know, everyone's life experiences are very different--for sure, if my last school hadn't been so liberal with work schedules, I don't know what would have happened to me in the depths of my serious depression/when I started getting migraines that would keep me home from work (or I just used them as a convenient excuse to not even try going to work because really who gives a shit). I would have most certainly lost my job at some point, and my ass could very well be sitting back in the States right now if not for a series of very, very fortunate circumstances...which is probably why I don't fully believe in all that BOOTSTRAPS!!!1 kind of crap either. Because really, even personally? When I got the opportunities, you bet I busted my butt--when I was scouted for this job, it was literally a holy shit you need a resume and CV in Japanese in the next 24 hours, ordering a suit off of Rakuten for your interview in three days and praying that it fits situation--but it would have never happened if some random guy from some random

[kikuko_kamimura]

I'm going to reply to each comment, because I am sure I will run out of characters if I try to do it all in one XD

[jadesun]

Thanks for what you said about the JLPT... it did help knowing I'm not alone. I've been feeling like, "If I'm any bit decent, I should be able to pass it like all my classmates from Waseda have!" It's been driving me crazy thinking there was something lacking in me and that maybe I wasn't cut out for this after all. Even though I'd heard it was all textbook and not practical, I thought after all my studying, surely I could pass the stupid N2! But I failed by... I think it was THREE POINTS the last time (_ _") Still, I think you were right when you mentioned proof; being able to shut up the noisy ones who think I can only ever be illiterate since I'm white (and if I do well, then I'm like a trained dog. I can never just be on the same level with them, because of course, Japanese people are the gods' gift to earth).

(I had to reply twice again, too. I think I talk too much...? lol)