Myriad Announcements

[kikuko_kamimura]

1. Yes, I'm still alive.

2. Yes, all I do is work. But, my first project is now available as a free download both on the AppStore and Google Play: My Forged Wedding: PARTY. So if you're into romance sim type stuff and want to try it out, I would appreciate it! (There are in-app purchases for extra illustrations and whatnot, but I don't expect

Comments

[jadesun]

It's nice to finally talk to someone who gets how it feels... just to have that sense of being understood. Everything you said it exactly right. Especially the insincere invitations, and invitations to things 'because other foreigners are involved'. I don't want to get involved because other foreigners are there. If I wanted only "foreign" friends, I wouldn't be in Japan- I'd have stayed in the States! God, what a leap of logic that is, huh? I have such a love-hate relationship with Japanese people: I want to be their friend so badly and make a home for myself there, but because they're generally so racist, they make it almost impossible... which in turn makes me so angry at them. Why can't they just accept my admiration for parts of their culture, but accept that it's not perfect and the only thing worth recognizing on this whole planet? Why can't they just accept my existence and friendship and let me live peacefully with them? UGH.

I honestly want to ask you how you do it. No matter how much you love the language and the music and whatever aspects of the society...... what keeps you facing that never-ending prejudice day-in and day-out? When they break your heart over and over? What do you rely on during those times when you feel like you've had it with their unfair treatment and you have to leave before your sanity actually fractures?

I've been in the "not having many friends" boat most of my life. I like having only a few, truly close friends to rely on... but it's backfired in the past few years. After moving from the States to Japan and back, I basically have no one anymore. That's probably why the Japanese insincerity hurts so much: I desperately needed a friend, and there wasn't a single person that would accept. I never could have imagined 2 years of isolation would break a person, but I did have someone tell me in response to that comment, "well, they punish prisoners by putting them in isolation, don't they?" So I guess it's not that weird after all.

But the isolation paired with unimaginable scrutiny makes it a million times worse. After living in the countryside for 2 years, I have an empathy for celebrities that I could never have anticipated. I was the topic of everyone's conversation. If I went out drinking for a night, EVERYONE knew about it the next day. I took the wrong train from an unfamiliar station outside of my town once, which made me late getting to my dentist appointment... all my coworkers teased me about it the next morning. I was stared at and whispered about all the time. No one felt any reservations about just walking up to me and invading my privacy... because I don't deserve privacy since my only purpose in existence is to appease their curiosity. It was infuriating, but I didn't dare lose my temper... not ONCE. Because I was The Foreign Ambassador, and everyone would have heard how rude I was. It was such an extreme pressure To Perform that when I look back, I don't know how I held it all up. So I don't even blame myself for giving up the chance to just transfer from teaching to translation while in Japan by coming back to the States. Like you, I felt that independence and even career were there... I was just too close to cracking.

And moving back in with my family is exactly what I got stuck doing. But again, like you said, it can't be permanent. I've been going stir crazy for about a year, but I can't afford to move out living only on savings. It's time to GO, almost regardless of WHERE... but if I can get some experience and credentials and a year-long experience living in another country again, it's probably worth any amount of money (^-^")

You translate for a living without credentials, but that's very rare, I think. It's the most coveted situation because you didn't have to spend any money to start getting a paycheck and professional experience, though, so you did very well for yourself.

Anyway, I understand keeping up email convos to keep from going crazy! I don't use any of the other stuff, but there's no reason to why I don't... other than having no one to use it with (-_-) I've heard a lot about LINE, though, so maybe I'll just get that. I'd appreciate having someone to chat with, too (^^")

[kikuko_kamimura]

You know, I think I've just stopped trying to discuss some things, and started to look at friendships the way that I've always viewed lending out money: don't even bother doing it in the first place if you expect to get anything back, or think you'll be hurt too much when you don't, because it's not worth doing in the first place.

I think I've always just been a very zen, forgiving person when it comes to other people; I mean, when you pretty much view yourself as a burden that no one would want in their lives, it makes you of course very moved and thankful when someone gives the impression they're still willing to associate with you (I find myself moved deeply by basic kindness anymore, honestly), but at the same time you don't begrudge them at all for not wanting to deal with you when there are so many other, better, people they could be associating with instead. Part of you always kind of hopes they'll take the hard road and choose you--and I'm generous to a fault with the people who do, a trait of mine that has left me thoroughly fucked more than once--but you're never really surprised or hurt when they don't. Except when you're dumb enough to get your hopes up, of course. I try not to do that anymore.

As for how I deal with it, well...some days are certainly better than others, but I find that if I can just get myself out of public spaces, if I can just get home where I'm safe and I get to choose my company, I still feel in control of the most important aspect of my life--and I think that's a major part of where our experiences differ. I always kind of took it upon myself to live fairly far away from work--at first it just happened to me, but after that I never moved closer than half an hour from where I work. Being afraid to go to the grocery store because your students/co-workers might see what you're buying and feel the need to comment (just as a common example) was something that I knew I could not deal with. I suppose that no matter what happened, I always steadfastly kept to the notion that my private life is mine, and I guarded it JEALOUSLY. But, I also had the resources and ability to do so, which you certainly did not--it totally wasn't viable for you to move an hour out of town and commute, or whatever. Commuting is certainly a bitch, but there's something very, very comforting about that total divorce from your work day--the minute you get on that train home, it's your time and you know that no one will take that from you, no one will know what you do, let alone comment on it--and if they do, then you will be able to come back on them with 'why the ever loving fuck were you following me home, creeper'. I think that's why, no matter how inconvenient it is to leave the house by 8 to be to work for 10, I'll never move into Tokyo. Too many people, too close to work, too many people giving too much of a shit about what you're doing (and too many damn tourists who don't seem to realize that some people LIVE here and don't have the time for you to fuck around taking selfies in the middle of a crosswalk or somewhere).

(oh my god I have to reply twice again)

[kikuko_kamimura]

But, you know, everyone's life experiences are very different--for sure, if my last school hadn't been so liberal with work schedules, I don't know what would have happened to me in the depths of my serious depression/when I started getting migraines that would keep me home from work (or I just used them as a convenient excuse to not even try going to work because really who gives a shit). I would have most certainly lost my job at some point, and my ass could very well be sitting back in the States right now if not for a series of very, very fortunate circumstances...which is probably why I don't fully believe in all that BOOTSTRAPS!!!1 kind of crap either. Because really, even personally? When I got the opportunities, you bet I busted my butt--when I was scouted for this job, it was literally a holy shit you need a resume and CV in Japanese in the next 24 hours, ordering a suit off of Rakuten for your interview in three days and praying that it fits situation--but it would have never happened if some random guy from some random company I had never heard of wouldn't have not only scouted me, but also turned out to be a decent, reputable company that wasn't just jerking me around--and nor are the people I am now employed with. No amount of butt-busting will materialize opportunities out of the air...there's horrible, horrible people who for some reason get handed everything in life and never have to try for anything, but there's also wonderful, amazing people who have had to work so hard for every little thing they have, suffer for every success...but seem to be deathly allergic to anything resembling good luck.

I know I am so, so lucky, because I could certainly have seen myself in a very, very bad place. The people who knew me best were starting to worry about me--to the point that one of my friends would remind me constantly that he would never, ever forgive me if I did anything to hurt myself...so it really can happen to anyone, and all it takes is that one horrible experience, or that last little slight...but that doesn't mean that person isn't strong or somehow failed.

Even so, I'm glad I haven't had to experience the loss of my six years here, because I know I very well could have, in one way or another, if things would have been different.