fuck feelings
I just found out that the last kid i was dating has a girlfriend. I dated him mostly from march to july...not a long time, but long enough to leave an imprint. The whole time we were dating he said that he didn't have time for a girlfriend and that if we became official all he would do is disappoint me because he was always so busy. I didn't care about his reasons. I've always been the girl who freaks whenever a relationship gets too serious. The idea of being with just one person used to terrify me! (not like I was dating around either...) I guess it was just always that feeling.... "what if something better comes along?" I know, its awful, but its honest.
Last year, i thought that forcing myself into a relationship would cure my committment phobia. It didn't. It made it worse, and made me hurt someone i really cared about. It wasn't until this march-july person came along that i actually wanted to be exclusive with someone. I didn't care that he didn't want to be my boyfriend, but i did care when he hung out with other girls. I've always told myself that i wouldn't be a jealous person, but when that someone isn't yours, then they're are easily lost, and the jealousy emotions are hightened.
I don't even care about this person anymore, well, i don't think about him. He crosses my mind every now and then, but its nothing i get upset over. But just today i looked at his myspace page and noticed that it says he is in a relationship. I think was really bothers me is that its only a couple months after us...and all i can think is "oh so now his not to busy for a girlfriend?" And then of course there's the self- demeaning thoughts of "it was me...he just didn't want ME to be his girlfriend" . . .
what do i do that repels guys so well?? I asked this "march-july" person why guys always complain about bitchy girls, and complain that their ex's were bitches and so on and so forth. He told me he thinks its because bitches make it interesting. that explains a lot. Maybe i'm just too laid back, maybe guys find me boring because i don't get upset about every little thing and i'm not a jealous nag. that sucks. i would have thought guys would appreciate that, but...i guess not.
"i'm so lonesome i could cry"
My best friend is in spain, has been for a week and will be for another week and a half. Despite how ragefully jealous i am, i miss her. My mom is leaving in about two weeks for another job. And i won't have anyone to hang out with. That's one reason i think having a boyfriend right now would be super. Someone who's forced to hang out with me by means of boyfriend/girlfriend by-laws. Someone i could call just for no reason, just to say hi, (even though i hate pointless phone conversations), someone i could call and say, "i'm bored, lets go get some lunch, or watch a movie or something" and they would be more then happy to oblige. :(
A couple months ago, I was having this conversation with this girl who had just moved here. She said that even though she has people to hang out with, parties to go to, etc. that she still has this overwhelming sense of loneliness. She explained how you can't really feel like you belong anywhere unless you really do. Unless you have that group that you see or at least talk to everyday, and when you aren't around something is missing in the group.....then you don't really have a group to call your own.
I had that this summer. Then my house couldn't be the hang out place anymore and everyone scattered. I know that they weren't just using me for my house, but of course that has to be a thought that crosses my mind. And they can say that they miss me all they want, but when someone doesn't answer or return your phone calls and never calls you.... you can't really believe them.
That reminds me. I've definatly given up on that boy. i guess he's just the kind of boy that flirts a lot, and i shouldn't have gotten excited and read into it. I haven't talked to him in two weeks.... and not because i haven't tried. I left my last message.
I'll end this entry now so that it doesn't get too long. But I'm going to move onto another one cause i have more thoughts....
Ta ta for now
Crystal~
Last year, i thought that forcing myself into a relationship would cure my committment phobia. It didn't. It made it worse, and made me hurt someone i really cared about. It wasn't until this march-july person came along that i actually wanted to be exclusive with someone. I didn't care that he didn't want to be my boyfriend, but i did care when he hung out with other girls. I've always told myself that i wouldn't be a jealous person, but when that someone isn't yours, then they're are easily lost, and the jealousy emotions are hightened.
I don't even care about this person anymore, well, i don't think about him. He crosses my mind every now and then, but its nothing i get upset over. But just today i looked at his myspace page and noticed that it says he is in a relationship. I think was really bothers me is that its only a couple months after us...and all i can think is "oh so now his not to busy for a girlfriend?" And then of course there's the self- demeaning thoughts of "it was me...he just didn't want ME to be his girlfriend" . . .
what do i do that repels guys so well?? I asked this "march-july" person why guys always complain about bitchy girls, and complain that their ex's were bitches and so on and so forth. He told me he thinks its because bitches make it interesting. that explains a lot. Maybe i'm just too laid back, maybe guys find me boring because i don't get upset about every little thing and i'm not a jealous nag. that sucks. i would have thought guys would appreciate that, but...i guess not.
"i'm so lonesome i could cry"
My best friend is in spain, has been for a week and will be for another week and a half. Despite how ragefully jealous i am, i miss her. My mom is leaving in about two weeks for another job. And i won't have anyone to hang out with. That's one reason i think having a boyfriend right now would be super. Someone who's forced to hang out with me by means of boyfriend/girlfriend by-laws. Someone i could call just for no reason, just to say hi, (even though i hate pointless phone conversations), someone i could call and say, "i'm bored, lets go get some lunch, or watch a movie or something" and they would be more then happy to oblige. :(
A couple months ago, I was having this conversation with this girl who had just moved here. She said that even though she has people to hang out with, parties to go to, etc. that she still has this overwhelming sense of loneliness. She explained how you can't really feel like you belong anywhere unless you really do. Unless you have that group that you see or at least talk to everyday, and when you aren't around something is missing in the group.....then you don't really have a group to call your own.
I had that this summer. Then my house couldn't be the hang out place anymore and everyone scattered. I know that they weren't just using me for my house, but of course that has to be a thought that crosses my mind. And they can say that they miss me all they want, but when someone doesn't answer or return your phone calls and never calls you.... you can't really believe them.
That reminds me. I've definatly given up on that boy. i guess he's just the kind of boy that flirts a lot, and i shouldn't have gotten excited and read into it. I haven't talked to him in two weeks.... and not because i haven't tried. I left my last message.
I'll end this entry now so that it doesn't get too long. But I'm going to move onto another one cause i have more thoughts....
Ta ta for now
Crystal~