A Small Person I am ?
So… I got into another weird type of argument with the boyfriend. It wasn’t exactly an argument it just one of those situations where you immediately feel like shit afterwards. I swear, him and grandmother are the only people with the ability to make me feel that way. So small and worthless. Well maybe worthless is the wrong word but you know when someone makes you feel like everything you said doesn’t mean nothing and makes you feel completely invalid? That’s how I feel when I get in argument. Somehow he throws everything back at me to the point where I can’t dare say anything because of past mistakes I made. I fight with my actions on every single argument. I feel like the true bad guy and culprit of this failing relationship. The thing is I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong because he rarely points it out until we are in these arguments or weird situations. Now… he’s rarely talking to me and is working later at work. I would say that my suspicions are raised by now I feel like broken record in my insecurities. Sometimes… I truly wonder if I’m meant to be alone in life. I’m 25 and today I actually felt kind of old. I was trying to remember an incident revolving me and being kind of sexual assaulted. Well… technically it was that and a little more but anyway it was about seven years ago. I was 18 going on 19 I believe and I was thinking about that age and it felt like a long time ago. I felt older but the strange thing is that It felt like that age was foreign to me. It makes me sad because I still want to do things that normally someone younger would do. I just feel old and to me that’s just one of the worse feelings in the world.
I’m starting to realize that I am really reclusive and that I hate it. I want to go out and have good times. I really don’t care if I’m by myself but it’s all the time now and I feel really lonely and sad. My boyfriend and I just don’t do much and I hate that. The thing I hate the most is that I settled myself to that sedentary type of lifestyle. Sometimes I would want to go out but feel too lazy. I want a friend outside of my relationship. I feel so desperate to talk to someone about their life, passion, even if we’re talking about what happen in the day. Something active and lively! I only really get that on the weekends with my boyfriend. Now… he’s barely speaking a word. I’m constantly fearing that he’s cheating in some way. Ok… I hate this officially, I hate being in relationships, it’s way too difficult. I’m way too insecure and untrusting. I feel like a crappy individual when I’m with him and it’s not a good feeling at all. I do care about him a lot but where is it all going? I feel so unsure in a relationship that I been in for over two years. At times I feel really trapped that there so much I’m missing. Sometimes I just wish I could leave and come back to him when I’m truly ready. By then… with my luck he’ll be married with children. A marriage and children that he refuses to have with me now. I hate children so scratch that part out. I really do need some outside advice. Anything…
I’m trying so hard to complete my big 25 countdown list but it’s going to be really tough. Right now I am having a really hard time with Chapter 3 in my book. Maybe I’m just in a depressed mood right now. I don’t think I’m writing this chapter well and it’s starting to bother me big time.
In regards to workout out… I was injured recently and it’s a mystery how it happened. It was definitely not while I was working out! Actually when I was working out on Monday my knee was feeling good off and on. It’s only before and afterwards when I’m walking on it, bending down, etc, it’s killing me. I have tendentious in my left knee and periodically the pain comes and it’s like hell. It’s been a while since I activated the pain so something most have happened. A few times my knee just shutdown on me. I couldn’t move my leg at all and I was completely immobile for minutes. That pain was the worst I have ever felt and I hope that doesn’t happen while I’m doing something important. I don’t want to mention my stats for Monday because I was slower than before and that disappointed me. I know I was some pain when I was running but as I kept exercising my knee truly felt better.
I’ve been selected for Jury Duty. Bummer… the only thing I actually like is the fact that I don’t have to spend much time at work. Today I am not going in at all. I was exhausted yesterday after having to go to work and then to jury duty. I woke at 5am for work and didn’t get the house until after 5pm. My whole body feels really sore for some strange reason, especially my upper body. I wish I didn’t have to go in early today so I can make me some lunch beforehand.
Oh well… Not a good week for me so far.