Messy, Like My Life.
This post isn't going to be organized or anything, because I'm too tired to sort it all out. So it'll just be one big blob of thoughts.
It's been a few weeks since the last post. I had my birthday, and March Break is coming up. I've done my best to keep my chin up and not let things get to me, but on the inside - I think i'm falling apart. Not a lot, a lot. Just a little. Nothing that I will leave permenanty damage, just marks that will heal over time. I used to think that once it was over, it would just be over, and that would be it. But it's not. And it's not like I think about him a lot - because I don't. I don't sit around and obsess. And it's not like every little thing reminds me of him - because it doesn't. And it's not like I want him back - because I really don't. I haven't really moved on, but I really don't want to go back. It's like I wouldn't think about it for a whole day, and then someone in will sit beside me in class, and they will smell like him, and I will start thinking about everything. Then I will see him in the hallway, or I'll see one of his friends, and I'll get so self-conscious, and really just pissed off. I hate how just seeing him messes me up.
As you can probably tell, I'm in a bit of a rut. I'm past the point where I think random hook ups in Washington will help. I'm past the point where I want to get even and maybe almost past the point where I want to make him jealous. In a sick, sad, pathetic way, I just want him to be happy. And generally, this sounds really good. It shows that I'm mature and kind and that I really am over it. But, honestly, what about me? I should want to make myself happy. I shouldn't be worrying about him or how happy he is, I should be focusing on myself, and what I need to do to make ME happy again. But I can't. And it's not fair - because all he ever was was selfish. And it was him, him, him, all the time. And that wasn't fair to me, and it still isn't. I deserve something pure, and true and kind and simple. I deserve someone who's going to be there for me when I need them, not just when it's convient for them. And most of all, I deserve someone who isn't going to treat me a princess when they want me, and treat me like crap when they don't. I'm not going to be that girl. Not ever again.
I hate that I'll be SOOO over it, then I'll go to school, and something will happen. Either I'll see him, or people will tell me more 'stories' about him or me or us or whatever, and it changes everything. I don't want it to, but it does. Everything is different because the way I see it, and the way I see him isn't how it used to be, and it sucks, I want to be able to remember everything happily and maybe that's naive, but I was enjoying my ignorant bliss before everyone decided they needed to pop my bubble. I mean, I guess I don't want to live a lie and be completely oblivious to everything that happened, but at the same time, the truth hurts, and I don't see how it's helping at all.
I don't like how my perception has been altered so much, but what I hate more is that if now I'm 'seeing clear' than before I must have been so out of it. I was a classic stupid, naive, innocent little girl, and I know it sound like I'm blaming him and not being responsible for my own actions, but I feel corrupted. And I don't mean it in the way that everyone else thinks he 'corrupted' me, but I just feel like I've lost my innocence, like it'll never be the same.
"There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save" - Your Ex-Lover is Dead, The Stars.
I'm not sorry I did it, and I'm not sorry about any of it. I've decided I can't regret it, because regretting it now will do me no good. But the real question is, if I had the chance to go back, the chance to do it all over again, would I? Would it really be worth it? Would I really be missing out if I didn't? I hate not knowing. I hate that I can't just answer yes or no. I hate it. I just don't know. It was a good experience - no matter what anyone says, it was. I learnt so much, and it's just one of those things that everyone has to do once, just to see. But. Knowing what I know now, I can't decide.
And I'm just so confused because I can't see how we can ever be friends. I just can't see how it will work. I can't see how I can keep him in my life and have the stregnth to get over it. I just can't.
So, that only leaves me with one option, I need to get away. To heal and move past it. And maybe, some other time, we can go back to the way we were before everthing got complicated. I think I would like that. I can't stand to see everything go to waste, to just not talk when I feel like I know him better than alot of people. But for now, I need to let go. And I need to let myself move on, and to just be happy, because somewhere deep inside, I know that he cared, and, hey, maybe he still does, but it's just not worth it. And I need to stop worrying about making other people happy, I need to put myself first, and get me back on track before I think about anyone else. And that sounds stupid, and dumb and selfish. But I think that's the point. I need to be a little selfish here, or it's going to snowball into one of those things where I can never get over it. Because Tyler really has been the anti-Jake, and I'd like to come full circle here and keep things the same.