bad dreams to balance out a perfect reality?
So, it's 3:52 am on a Saturday night, and I'm wide awake in my bed, afraid to fall asleep. I feel like I'm six years old. I went to sleep at about 10:30 pm, and slept fairly soundly, then I started having weird dreams, except they were more like nightmares. I'll start this story from the beginning.
A few nights ago, I had such a strange dream. It was so livid when I woke up, I thought it had actually happened. At one point, I could remember the entire thing, but now I can only recall vague pieces. The general idea was that I was making out in some kind of an apartment, on a bed, with some guy who vaguely resembled Ian (Tyler's friend). Already, as I'm sure you can tell, this dream is incredibly strange, because I'm not attracted to Ian in the slightest, but anyways, I'll keep telling the story. So, somehow, on the table, I find a letter. It's written in pen, and the writing is too neat to be Ty's, but I still know that it is. I start to read it, and it's a huge mess of single lines, like he wrote one sentence at a time. The just of the paper is that, he knew this would happen, he knew that they would try to take me away, but he didn't think it would work on me, he thought I was different. During the dream, it made alot of sense, now, as I write this, it doesn't really. Anyways, I have this vague flashback of Tyler telling me something about how when he first starts dating someone, none of his friends really like her. But slowly, they each try to steal her away from him. Now, the weird part is that I can't remember if he actually said this in real life, or if it's just something I made up in my dream. So, anyways, Tyler is clearly upset, and I'm the one that's making him sad. I leave this apartment, and go to see him. Next thing I know I am in his bedroom sitting on the bed, my face soaked in tears. I tell him that it's the biggest mistake of my entire life, and that I didn't even know what I was doing. He just sits there, he won't look at me, and he won't answer. I beg and beg, and he still just looks at the ground. He has his thinking face on, where he pulled his lips together and gets little wrinkles in his forhead and stares into space. No matter what I say, nothing works. All I can think about it how I let him down; how he trusted me and I broke him.
The most bizzare part of this dream is that when I woke up from it, I actually thought it had really happened. I rolled around in bed, tossing and turning, thinking about what I was going to do to fix this. I was so concerned I couldn't sleep for hours, I just kept telling myself it was just a dream, but something about it seemed so real. I hated myself and I wanted to just curl up and die.
Now, tonight I had a similar experience, only the dreams are getting more life-like.
We're at a pool in someone's backyard. There's some kind of bar or tables to the side, sheltered from the sun light. All around, people are having fun and enjoying the nice weather. Two girls sit with us and the tension is high. The thing that really confuses me in this dream is that the guy is a mixture of Jake and Tyler. Everyone seems to be calling him Tyler, but he has Jake's eyes and he kind of talks like him. But really, he doesn't look like either of them. It's like it's Jake, but not my Jake. And it's Tyler, but it's not my Tyler. And that pisses me off. So, anyways, there is some kind of weird tension going around the circle, everyone can sense it, but me. I seem to be having a good time, just relaxing with some friends. And then it happens. Jake/Tyler goes, "guess what guys?" and one of the girls just says, "you're going to dump her, aren't you?" And I wait, just wait. "Yes. I have to; I feel so trapped. All I can see if choice A and choice B." It's not even shock that takes over me, even though I am clearly surprized. It's confusion and anger. I fight back this time, I ask him why, I tell him he can't do this to me, not this way, not this time. He doesn't listen. I walk away. Somehow I end up laying in the back of one of those cars where the seats go down and you can camp in them. We're in like the desert. I think it's me, Maria and Claire. They talk about how he is a jerk, how could he do this to me? I just sit and listen, I'm not in shock, I just feel like I am going to die. I get that feeling of impending doom, and it makes me not want to breathe. They keep talking, but all I can think about is that he promised. He told me he wouldn't mess me up, and then he went right ahead and did it anyways.
Alot of things creep me out about this dream. The Jake/Tyler thing is scary because I don't want to have the two put in the same category in any way, shape or form. They are seperate ideas in my head, and I want to keep it that way. Next, this whole thing remind me of last summer when Jake broke up with me. Everything is so different, yet I can't help thinking it's the same thing over and over. The way he tells me in person (rather than on the phone) isn't what's important, it's the way that he does it in front of others. The way he makes it seem so casual, like he's telling us he bought new shoes. But this time I bite back, and it feels good. Last time, I didn't stick up for myself, I didn't make myself heard. I care enough this time to tell him it's not okay. That part makes me feel good.
But then I remember that everyone in the dream seems to think that this boy is Tyler, even though he clearly wasn't. Then I start thinking, how could Tyler do that to me? How could he do that to the girl he says he loves? If he really loved me, he wouldn't break his promise, he wouldn't break my heart.
When I wake up this time, the amount of time I think the dream actually happened isn't as long. But I start to cry anyways. I don't want to be the girl that cries because of some silly dream, but I can't help it. It hurts so much. When I realise that it was only a dream, my paranoia kicks in. I start to panic: would he really do that, is he thinking of doing that, does he really love me? I sent him a text hoping for some reassurance, but he's clearly sleeping, so that isn't going to work. I layed awake for about an hour, just worrying and worrying about it, until finally I turned on the computer and focused my mind on some french verbs. It made me feel better; it made me feel normal. But I still can't help wondering why I keep having such strange dreams. And why I keep thinking they're real.
I should put this in another post, but I'm lazy. I just want to put a little 'what's going on in my life' part on here, for bookkeeping sake. I had a job interview at Dominion today, it went good, hopefully I get it because I don't want to have to tell people I got rejected. I think I have some issues. I spent the day shopping with Lina; it was just like the it used to be, but better because I was actually happy and content the whole time. My life always seems like a movie now, no one can really be happy this long in real life. He makes me happy, so happy, too happy. He makes me want to be happy when I really shouldn't feel good, when I should be stressing about exams, when I should be upset at Maria, when I should be concerned about the future. It feels good to be happy, like I never want it to end.
Tyler wants us to be 50-50. It made me worry that he thinks he has to do everything first. Like he has to say he loves me before I'd say it back. Like he has to guide my hand and show me what to do. Like he has to make the arrangements. Like he has to make me happy all the time. Like I ask too much. I don't want him to think that at all. I made a pact with myself that from now on I will be selfless and bold, even if it kills me. I will be happy, selfless and bold. I will minimize the freak outs, and I will try not to push him away. I need him now, if he goes away all the pieces will start to fall apart again.
A few nights ago, I had such a strange dream. It was so livid when I woke up, I thought it had actually happened. At one point, I could remember the entire thing, but now I can only recall vague pieces. The general idea was that I was making out in some kind of an apartment, on a bed, with some guy who vaguely resembled Ian (Tyler's friend). Already, as I'm sure you can tell, this dream is incredibly strange, because I'm not attracted to Ian in the slightest, but anyways, I'll keep telling the story. So, somehow, on the table, I find a letter. It's written in pen, and the writing is too neat to be Ty's, but I still know that it is. I start to read it, and it's a huge mess of single lines, like he wrote one sentence at a time. The just of the paper is that, he knew this would happen, he knew that they would try to take me away, but he didn't think it would work on me, he thought I was different. During the dream, it made alot of sense, now, as I write this, it doesn't really. Anyways, I have this vague flashback of Tyler telling me something about how when he first starts dating someone, none of his friends really like her. But slowly, they each try to steal her away from him. Now, the weird part is that I can't remember if he actually said this in real life, or if it's just something I made up in my dream. So, anyways, Tyler is clearly upset, and I'm the one that's making him sad. I leave this apartment, and go to see him. Next thing I know I am in his bedroom sitting on the bed, my face soaked in tears. I tell him that it's the biggest mistake of my entire life, and that I didn't even know what I was doing. He just sits there, he won't look at me, and he won't answer. I beg and beg, and he still just looks at the ground. He has his thinking face on, where he pulled his lips together and gets little wrinkles in his forhead and stares into space. No matter what I say, nothing works. All I can think about it how I let him down; how he trusted me and I broke him.
The most bizzare part of this dream is that when I woke up from it, I actually thought it had really happened. I rolled around in bed, tossing and turning, thinking about what I was going to do to fix this. I was so concerned I couldn't sleep for hours, I just kept telling myself it was just a dream, but something about it seemed so real. I hated myself and I wanted to just curl up and die.
Now, tonight I had a similar experience, only the dreams are getting more life-like.
We're at a pool in someone's backyard. There's some kind of bar or tables to the side, sheltered from the sun light. All around, people are having fun and enjoying the nice weather. Two girls sit with us and the tension is high. The thing that really confuses me in this dream is that the guy is a mixture of Jake and Tyler. Everyone seems to be calling him Tyler, but he has Jake's eyes and he kind of talks like him. But really, he doesn't look like either of them. It's like it's Jake, but not my Jake. And it's Tyler, but it's not my Tyler. And that pisses me off. So, anyways, there is some kind of weird tension going around the circle, everyone can sense it, but me. I seem to be having a good time, just relaxing with some friends. And then it happens. Jake/Tyler goes, "guess what guys?" and one of the girls just says, "you're going to dump her, aren't you?" And I wait, just wait. "Yes. I have to; I feel so trapped. All I can see if choice A and choice B." It's not even shock that takes over me, even though I am clearly surprized. It's confusion and anger. I fight back this time, I ask him why, I tell him he can't do this to me, not this way, not this time. He doesn't listen. I walk away. Somehow I end up laying in the back of one of those cars where the seats go down and you can camp in them. We're in like the desert. I think it's me, Maria and Claire. They talk about how he is a jerk, how could he do this to me? I just sit and listen, I'm not in shock, I just feel like I am going to die. I get that feeling of impending doom, and it makes me not want to breathe. They keep talking, but all I can think about is that he promised. He told me he wouldn't mess me up, and then he went right ahead and did it anyways.
Alot of things creep me out about this dream. The Jake/Tyler thing is scary because I don't want to have the two put in the same category in any way, shape or form. They are seperate ideas in my head, and I want to keep it that way. Next, this whole thing remind me of last summer when Jake broke up with me. Everything is so different, yet I can't help thinking it's the same thing over and over. The way he tells me in person (rather than on the phone) isn't what's important, it's the way that he does it in front of others. The way he makes it seem so casual, like he's telling us he bought new shoes. But this time I bite back, and it feels good. Last time, I didn't stick up for myself, I didn't make myself heard. I care enough this time to tell him it's not okay. That part makes me feel good.
But then I remember that everyone in the dream seems to think that this boy is Tyler, even though he clearly wasn't. Then I start thinking, how could Tyler do that to me? How could he do that to the girl he says he loves? If he really loved me, he wouldn't break his promise, he wouldn't break my heart.
When I wake up this time, the amount of time I think the dream actually happened isn't as long. But I start to cry anyways. I don't want to be the girl that cries because of some silly dream, but I can't help it. It hurts so much. When I realise that it was only a dream, my paranoia kicks in. I start to panic: would he really do that, is he thinking of doing that, does he really love me? I sent him a text hoping for some reassurance, but he's clearly sleeping, so that isn't going to work. I layed awake for about an hour, just worrying and worrying about it, until finally I turned on the computer and focused my mind on some french verbs. It made me feel better; it made me feel normal. But I still can't help wondering why I keep having such strange dreams. And why I keep thinking they're real.
I should put this in another post, but I'm lazy. I just want to put a little 'what's going on in my life' part on here, for bookkeeping sake. I had a job interview at Dominion today, it went good, hopefully I get it because I don't want to have to tell people I got rejected. I think I have some issues. I spent the day shopping with Lina; it was just like the it used to be, but better because I was actually happy and content the whole time. My life always seems like a movie now, no one can really be happy this long in real life. He makes me happy, so happy, too happy. He makes me want to be happy when I really shouldn't feel good, when I should be stressing about exams, when I should be upset at Maria, when I should be concerned about the future. It feels good to be happy, like I never want it to end.
Tyler wants us to be 50-50. It made me worry that he thinks he has to do everything first. Like he has to say he loves me before I'd say it back. Like he has to guide my hand and show me what to do. Like he has to make the arrangements. Like he has to make me happy all the time. Like I ask too much. I don't want him to think that at all. I made a pact with myself that from now on I will be selfless and bold, even if it kills me. I will be happy, selfless and bold. I will minimize the freak outs, and I will try not to push him away. I need him now, if he goes away all the pieces will start to fall apart again.