Uh..
Dealing
When you act like boyfriend/girlfriend but you're not actually. It also sometimes does lead to boyfriend/girlfriend potential.
ex. - "We're not together, we're just DEALING."
I really don't want to write. Because writing about it makes it real.
This afternoon, I have either made the best decision I could have ever made, or I've just fucked up more than I ever thought I was capable of. The anxiety is really starting to turn into a nagging, aching feeling in my stomach that makes me want to lay in bed all day and never face the world again. I would maybe like some company while lieing in bed ... but I never want to leave it.
I'm scared. And I was shocked I was able to tell him why. I guess I really am growing up. I'm scared I'm going to mess this up. I think I'm like The Plague. I'm cursed. Everything I touch turns to stone. I want to think that this time will be different. But ... it's hard for me to believe things that I don't have any proof of. I have a major lack of faith.
When I close my eyes, and I'm really still, I can picture it. Being together, and happy, and togetherhappy. I don't know if I've ever been togetherhappy in a steady kind of way. I don't think I've ever been in love. I've been crazyoutofmymind and headoverheels, but I never really got to togetherhappy or steady or in love in a way that makes sense.
I need to stop thinking I'm so messed up. Because I know I'm really not. But I let myself think that I am, so that later I can use it as an excuse. A way out, a way in, a way to stall, a way to rush.
There are so many questions I want to ask him. It's hard to have the patience to wait. I want to know why me. And why now. And for how long. I want to know if he really loved her. I want to know what it's like - to love someone. I want to know if he's ever had sex. I want to tell him about Tyler. I want to tell him everything.
But, despite everything else that I've said. It's nice to be loved. And it's nice to be told. I can't lie and say that I don't feel a little bit guilty because I know that I probably don't love him as much as he loves me, but I guess that one part of my hopelessly romantic side thinks that maybe with time, it'll happen.
It's hard for me to imagine dating him because I don't have the intense feelings like have in the past. But, intensity doesn't last. I've learnt that one the hard way. So maybe the fact that all I want to do is lay in silence and just ... be, is a good thing.
I'm slightly less lost than yesterday, but I'm still not entirely found.
Oh, and I know it's shallow, but I'm terrified of what people are going to say. I'm petrified of what they're going to think. I just got over the whispers and rumors from the last boy, and I just don't know if I can do it again. And that's something he doesn't understand.
But, one thing I know for sure, is that if he promises not to break me, and he really truly means it, I think I could walk through fire for that boy.