Lost ?
At lunch today, I decided that maybe considering me and Daniel together wouldn't be such a terrible idea. I just think that he is exactly what I need in a boyfriend. And although I probably should just focus on myself and not really get involved with someone, I can't help but think about it. It's weird because I don't know if I'm actually attracted to him, or if I just really value our friendship. He is so good to me. Probably a lot better than he should be. I don't really think I deserve it, but it's hard to resist that amount of dedication.
So, the plan was to bring the idea of an 'us' up on the way home. But I chickened out. I just couldn't do it. The timing didn't really seem right. And when we got halfway home, the bus came up from behind us and stopped. Tyler and Matt got off. And I held my breath. It was actually twenty million times better than I thought it would have been. It was like old times, like nothing had every happened. And I used to think that that was a bad thing, but I'm starting to realise that... maybe it's the only way to make it work. We talked, and he didn't ignore me, and I wasn't bitchy. It was just... like a bunch of friends hanging out. And I miss that. And it's so nice to have it all back. But at the same time, knowing what I know about Tyler, and knowing what I know about Daniel, I feel like I'm the only one who really knows the whole story. It's like everyone thinks they know what's going on - but they really have no idea. It's hard. I just want to have it all out in the open, but I know that I can't. There are some things that just shouldn't be said.
And so, I guess I'm back at square one, all over again. I didn't think I was over Tyler, because everytime I saw him, it was like it was getting worse and worse. But I guess we are capable of being like we used to be. And now I can finally say, that I am over it. It doesn't hurt to see him anymore, and it doesn't fill me with dread to hear him talk. I don't resent him, or hate him. And finally, I can move on. Thank the lord.
This leaves me with only one problem. Because frankly, I don't think I'll ever not have that one thing that just won't go away. I swear, when things are going good, I just invent things to be worried about. It's not very healthy. It's annoying. I need to stop. But, what am I supposed to do about Daniel? I guess I could just hold back and not say anything, but is that what I really want? I don't even know what I want.
The Pros :
1. He treats me so well.
2. I wouldn't have to worry about dumb things like him hooking up with other girls, because he's probably the most loyal person I know.
3. He's stable.
4. He makes me feel better about myself - like I'm worth all the fuss.
5. He's cute - in a 'nice guy' kind of way.
6. It wouldn't be just a stupid hook up.
The Cons :
1. The reaction from the crispy crew would be bad.
2. It will probably ruin any chance of a friendship with Tyler.
3. People will probably look at me differently.
4. I risk losing one of my best friends.
In theory, the pros outweight the cons. But in practise, it's a whole other ball park. I don't know if I can deal with the people talking, and the whispering, and the taunting. Everyone else might think that I'm strong enough to get over it, but I just don't know.
And that's why I'm so lost, I feel like I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what to think, what to say, what to do. I don't even know what I want anymore.