"Taurus April 20 - May 20

Years of treating your body like a temple will backfire this Thursday when savage hordes of Turkish soldiers ruthlessly plunder its depths."

I was planning to go to Macedonia in February, but now I'm not so sure. What if hordes of Ottoman soldiers are lying in wait?

"You’ll run out of your secret ingredient of love halfway through baking a batch of lemon squares this week. Thankfully, you’ll have enough hate and jealousy on hand for an infinite number of desserts." - The Onion

No way, man. I never make lemon squares.

"The fear of being buried alive has often consumed your thoughts, but as you'll soon discover, the alternative is much, much worse."

I will find you, secret Onion agent. I will.

I swear - there is someone working at The Onion who either knows me or has been secretly stalking me for years. What is this horoscope, huh? A little too apropos circa August 2003 ( Read more... )

Here's some advice I would do well to heed ( Read more... )

"The stars will weep over your plight this week, which will offer little comfort, as their tears are made of excruciatingly hot stellar plasma." - The Onion horoscope ( Read more... )